BIL on his own over xmas

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Wondering what people's arrangements usually are regarding adult siblings. We never really celebrated Xmas with Dh's family but MIL passed away and now his brother will be alone over Xmas. Dh is spending it with him this year but going forth what do people do about adult siblings if they have no other family?

BIL was a carer for MIL for many years and has never had a partner or friends.

Not sure whether we should alternate Xms from now on, one with him, one with my family? How much do people care if their brother or sister is on their own over Xmas?

So.....you can't have BIL at yours because your house isn't big enough. Your parents won't have BIL over to theirs because they don't like people

I'm not really sure what you want people to suggest?

You and your DH and children sack off your parents and have Christmas Day at BILs?

Once your parents have passed do ^

It seems sad that BIL looked after MIL for so long and will now be left alone on Christmas day.....DH going over to BIL on his own every Christmas day isn't a workable solution imo

Well if your parents wouldn't welcome him and he wouldn't come the solutions are spend alternate Christmas's with him and have dinner out or at your/his house or you just let him have it on his own, they have lost their mum and you are sounding like you don't want your Christmas to change, what do you want people to say ?

Mu parents are in their 80s and barely cope with all of us coming to theirs. They like family Xmas in theory but in practice see Xmas as a very close family affair.

We do appreciate that BIL put his life on hold for MIL. To be fair, we always offered to move her into a home and said he shouldn't. But he always lived at home, MIL used to cry she can't go into a home so it continued to decades. I do feel very sorry for him. His life has been irreparably changed by this.

Then find a solution. He can't be left alone on Christmas day imo. Next year you DH and children go to BILs. See your parents on boxing day

But you don't want to change for him? I am assuming you always spend Christmas with your parents ?

Before kids we didn't live in the UK and often didn't come back home for Xmas.

I love being on my own at christmas and always choose to be. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate being being thought about and asked if I would like to join people.

What has that got to do with your brother in law ?

It was in reply as to whether I always done Xmas at my parents. No we didn't used to before kids.

I'm really not sure why you've chucked this into the pot. Find a way to make sure BIL isn't on his own on Christmas day. See your parents on boxing day

Then it is absolutely your turn to give back and do whatever your bil would like. It is far past your turn really.

Next year, invite everyone to yours-I'm sure you can have 3 extra people in your house; borrow three chairs.

If your parents don't want to come, that's their prerogative. Tell them today that's what you'll be doing so they have time to get used to it.

Ah ok, I do think you might need to remodel your Christmas's going forward your parents are elderly and your Bil is alone.

Did this impact your BILs chance at a life?
it could be that your dh has been beyond selfish for years leaving his brother to do all the caring, or it could equally be that your bil was happy with it.

@arethereanyleftatall caring absolutely impacted on his life but he also point blank refused to move MIL into a home and lived with her. There was nothing Dh could do about that bar moving in with them and ruining his life.....

BIL has saved you £1500.00 a WEEK.

For fucks sake find some bloody compassion .....Jesus 🙄

Being alone over Christmas is pretty fabulous. I’d give a lot to have that again and hopefully will 2 years from now. So don’t blanket assume that he doesn’t want to be alone, he may love it

Your parents don't have to know. Just have him turn up. I bet it would be fine.

come on. He could have at least lived in the same country and given his BIL some respite occasionally.

I agree. I gave declined many invitations if it didn't suit me. This year I have decided to accept an invitation.

Especially after all that caring.

It takes years and years to get your own life back. Some people don't. I have two friends who died within months of the deaths of the people they cared for. As a carer myself I found that really scary and feel lucky to have both my life and career after years of intensive caring responsibilities.

If your parents won’t have your BIL/he wouldn’t want to go then I think alternating is the only option. Could you do Boxing Day with the one and Xmas day with another? Then swap the next year?

You've hit the nail on the head! Personally I love to spend Christmas alone, it absolutely suits me fine although I do have great memories of busier times. BUT - it seems to really bother other people who cannot accept that this is my preference. I find myself agreeing to things purely to keep other people happy - but this is the last time.
It's important to remember that everyone is different & that for some of us, being alone is exactly what we actually want to do.

To those who say we didn't help that's not true. Dh offered to arrange for a care home, he would also spend half his holidays at home so his brother could go on holidays and went over one weekend a month. All inheritance is also going to his brother. So yes we are very sorry for how his life turned out but it was partly also his own choice.

What would he actually like?