BIL on his own over xmas

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Wondering what people's arrangements usually are regarding adult siblings. We never really celebrated Xmas with Dh's family but MIL passed away and now his brother will be alone over Xmas. Dh is spending it with him this year but going forth what do people do about adult siblings if they have no other family?

BIL was a carer for MIL for many years and has never had a partner or friends.

Not sure whether we should alternate Xms from now on, one with him, one with my family? How much do people care if their brother or sister is on their own over Xmas?

I think you need to start hosting at your own home, with your DH, BIL and your DC, and visiting your parents on Boxing or Xmas Eve on at least alternate years. You’ve had 20 years of going to your parents, you really need to include your BIL properly somehow.

Some people do like to be alone at Xmas (I do) but I also have other options in case I don’t want to, which makes a big difference. Being alone because you have no friends and no-one has invited you can be a very different experience to choosing to be alone at home.

Could you host one year OP? Then invite BIL and your family. If your parents are ageing they may appreciate not being the default hosts every year.

We are now the default hosts and we invite all the grandparents and our siblings. The GPs always come and the siblings alternate with their other in-laws. It means that over time (for example) my MIL has got to know my brother’s partner and sends their baby birthday gifts and my dad has got to know my husband’s brother etc. They may not see each other for the rest of the year but I don’t want people left on their own (unless their choice) so if you’re coming to us you bring a bit of grace and you chat to people you may not naturally mix with. Over time, it’s become very easy and my DC love it and feel at the centre of a very connected family.

Im not sure why people are having such a go at OP, some of these dynamics are extremely grey and not black and white as others are presenting

Its clear OP and her husband would have wanted different care for the mum but that cant be forced on any one and the brother didnt want that to happen so her husband couldnt force that

She's not in control of who her parents invite or dont invite to dinner and coming out with 'I wouldnt have a problem with x random strangers coming to dinner' well thats not the point, her parents do, she cant just rock up with someone they dont feel comfortable with for some reason

What you could have done OP is start the conversation a lot earlier in the year becuase theres a few things missing from your post

Does the Brother in law want to be with family or want to be on his own, does he have other friends or associates he can spend time with, is he planning to go to the pub or something like that. Near us there is a small ethnic cafe that is open today, thats where we are going

Is the brother in law likely to be offensive at a familly gathering, does he pose risk to anyone, is he likely to be foul or anti social? If none of those perhaps prepare your parents earlier in the year, but they are not obliged to have people there they dont want

Your last option is that you hold xmas at yours, for a much smaller num ber including him and boxing day you go to your parents. Sounds as if that would actually be better for your parents in any case because they probably get stressed xmas day

We’d often have a random extended family member or even friend of a friend over who would otherwise be alone. I quite liked it as a child. I think you should just invite him to what you do unless he’s awful to be around I think it would be the nice thing to do. Christmas is supposed to be about family after all.

I can’t believe you are asking this question on Christmas morning. You don’t want to invite your bil to your house because it’s too small. For one additional person, really? You don’t want to ask your parents because they wouldn’t appreciate him being there. I wonder what excuse you would have made if the caring role was handed to your husband and you? This guy has no one else and you are questioning whether you should invite him over for Christmas Day. Shame on you, I hope the turkey sticks in your throat.

I also can’t believe that a grown woman hasn’t cooked a Christmas dinner in 20 years of married life.

So am asking this for next year. Dh is with his brother for this year. I have also cooked Xmas dinner for the last few years but at my parents.

We wouldn't have cares for MIL if BIL wasn't doing it but I also don't think that he should have done. MIL was ill for the last 20 years and for the last 5 pretty much didn't recognize anyone. It is very sad but no we wouldn't have done it.

You must have told your parents why your DH was not going to be joining you at their house on Christmas day this year. What was your parent's reaction when you told them? Did they just say 'ok' and not think to offer any suggestions as to how your children could get to spend Christmas day with their Dad?

If you were to tell your parents that next year your BIL was going to spend it alone, would they really not be bothered?

Can't you make a new tradition of having him over on Boxing Day? Make it a bit like a second christmas day, swap gifts, give him a nice dinner, play some games. Then if he is on his own on christmas day he'll have something to look forward to.

There is nothing stopping your BIL from cooking a xmas dinner and inviting all his family and friends round.

@greengreengreengrass yes we told my parents Dh isn't coming because his mum died. We are far and away from Dh or BIL going anywhere other than their parents house this year

I don't understand why you didn't go ?

@Coffeeishot I didn't go because I didn't want to take two little kids to a house with a dead body and Dh and Bil in distress and do Xmas. Not sure that would be very appropriate

I'm even more confused now. Has your MIL died so recently that her body has not yet been taken away to the undertakers?

Then feel grateful you don’t have any weird relatives. I would never invite my brother anywhere because he’s weird and rude.

This is a different angle, but in that position, for me it's not really about Christmas - that is just one day. What's more important is having a feeling of family in general and relatives that you can connect with. You BIL sounds kind and caring, and he has sacrificed a lot.

What so she has literally just died and you are talking about Christmas going forward ?

Yup. This is a variation of the thread earlier this year where the OP wanted validation for her decision to not extend an invite to her sister who had been the long-term carer for their recently departed mother.

OP you aren't going to get validation on this thread. If you want to be selfish own it. But obviously the kind thing to do is extend an invite and forge new relationships.

You’ll need to invite him to what you’re doing each year, it’s up to him whether he joins you or not. Speak to your parents if roles where reversed and your parents where dead and you where buy yourself how would you be feeling if no one invited you

I imagine in this tale she has been kept at home till the funeral.

I find that a very strange attitude. My family come to us and we regularly have strays and waifs join us (housemates of children/niece/nephew), friends of any of us, colleagues etc. I know that's not for everyone but your bil is your dh's family and your dh is part of your parents' family. I can't imagine not making space for someone that closely connected.

You obviously have an extremely unusual family OP. Probs best you stay at your parents each year and DH stay with BIL. There is no other solution is there?

Could you possible hold a BBQ or birthday drinks for DH at your place in the summer where your BIL and your parents could meet informally.

Do your parents live close by? Does BIL drive? Could he just be invited for Christmas lunch.

Her body is still at home? I’d worry about this another time.

Op sorry to hear about xmas being so difficult to arrange but can I make a suggestion thst perhaps you worry less about making sure you spend xmas catering to extended family needs and consider your kids need to make memories with their own mum and dad too. Your husband going off every xmas eve and boxing day to be with his mum (at the time) and you priorising your parents means your kids have missed out on family time with mum and dad together. All these other adults have had their time, put yourselves first.

It might be a bit awkward if your parents and BIL don't really know each other but the wording of them 'not appreciating' him coming over sounds so cold.

My parents-in-law are big on Christmas and have always said to me if I have any family members that are alone then they are very welcome to join us. Hence my brother (before he married) always came along. We also have Christmas altogether with my mum (widowed) when she's not at my brother's.