To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

I’m confused. Are you one of three daughters by the first wife? Can you not just say no one year and see your dad?

I’m the only daughter by his second wife (my mum)

It’s as much on her adult daughters now, as it is her.

Or are these your half sisters and he can’t see them on Christmas Day?

The thing is she was able to control it when they were children but it’s not just her now is it? The daughters are adults and can say no we would actually like to spend Christmas Day this year at dads.

So really, whilst you’re angry at the first wife, the adult daughters are still going along with it.

Sounds like his daughters are adults, so it down to them to do what they want not his ex wife.

Maybe read it again?

no reason why your sisters cant tell her no, and see your dad? Its not all on her - to wish her dead is vile.

If they even suggest that they don’t spend Christmas Day with her she goes right off on one. She threatens to withdraw the free childcare she gives to my eldest sister, she threatens to stop taking her medication so she would end up in hospital, she cries and cries about having to spend Christmas alone, she says that she may as well be dead if her children hate her that much. It’s a sorry state of affairs but she very much manipulates them to make sure they spend it with her.

Why will your Christmas Day be horrendous?

YANBU, we all have shitty thoughts, it’s not like your thoughts could make her die or that you are going to kill her.

I’m perplexed as to why her presumably adult daughters couldn’t just see their dad if they wanted to though

Because my dad hates it. He doesn’t get to see his eldest daughters at all, and it’s clear to everyone that he’s not having fun. We have a small ready made roast and that’s it.

I know I’m vile and I don’t wish her dead in that I hope something happens to her. It’s more I wish she wasn’t here. Like she just didn’t exist. Despite having been divorced from my dad for nearly forty years she still finds ways to make his life miserable and i resent her so much for it.

Why are you blaming the first wife because your dad's adult daughters are choosing not to spend Christmas with him?

And yes, that's some worryingly dark thoughts you're having about her.

Are you very young? Because adults don't tend to have huge melodramatic feelings like this about eating a roast dinner. His daughters are all alive and healthy, they are all in contact with him. Really, he doesn't need to be crying into his gravy because he has to see some people on different days.

Sounds like he is choosing to be miserable and make everyone else miserable.

So the first wife would spend Christmas Day alone unless her children joined her? But your Dad has you and your mum to spend the day with? I think that's fair enough. Surely your Dad can suck up one day of the year under those circumstances. Seems a bit dramatic that it "breaks his heart", especially as you all spend Boxing Day together.

YABU. Your dad has a new second family to spend Xmas with. She hasn't, and she shouldn't be alone

Do your sisters know how your dad feels?

Can they split Christmas Day so that they head to your dad’s at around 5pm for Christmas evening / sleep over for a second Christmas Day on Boxing Day?

It’s not just eating a roast dinner though is it? It’s the whole day. By the time we get to see them the next day they’re all tired, my nephew is tired and cranky, we never get those core memories. She manipulates them so much that they feel backed into a corner.

Yes, he’s told them multiple times. If they did that, she would start making all sorts of threats.

Well they’ve been divorced for decades but your dad and his ex wife are both ruining Christmas.
She is by throwing tantrums.
He is by being heartbroken.
Is your mum still around?
And do you have to have ready meals on the day?

So cook a fresh roast then 👀

It’s just never the same. They’re always slightly hungover, my nephew is cranky, they never really want to be there. He’s spent the last 40 years without two of his children there. She wouldn’t be alone, she has plenty of people to spend it with.

I mean, it’s not very fair but it is how it is and your grown up sisters are happy with it.

It’s about the day not the date and you’re having the day on 26th. Kindly, your dad needs to get a grip and you need to encourage him.