To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

Oh for goodness sake. It's just a day. It's not as if he never sees them . They aren't young children absolutely in a frenzy about opening their presents. Have a special meal on new year's Day.

So your adult sisters give in to their mother's pathetic manipulation instead of telling her they have two parents and it's not all about her. Then your dad sits with a face on him all day even though he knows he has another child he's supposed to be happy for, who had nothing to do with the break up of his first marriage? Then you want the solution to be that the first wife just dies instead of everyone else getting a grip? You all sound like amazing craic.

This has been going on for 40 years 😂

how old are you all? he hasn’t seen his daughters on Christmas Day for over 40 years? And has been playing the martyr and ruining Christmas for everyone for all that time

fucking hell

I can only assume that he was never there for them as children either, how old were they when he left them for your mum?

I was really hoping the op would have a revelation that actually it’s shit of her dad to make Christmas miserable. My mum and dad only get 2 of their 5 dc here for Christmas because they are grown up and live overseas. Thats life. Neither of them would dream of not having a big celebratory Christmas with the two of us and if they wanted to cancel we’d have it without them because it’s just such pathetic and childish behaviour. I cannot believe your dad does this every year and treats you like this. COOK THE TURKEY. Nobody has died, and you are enough op. You may not be all 3 dc but that should not matter.

Both your father and his ex wife are behaving abysmally. And encouraging each other's dreadful behaviour. If either of them stopped making such a fuss about this one day, the other would lose their power. Your dad could host on Christmas Eve. He could decide to stop being miserable on both Christmas Day and Boxing Day. He could be grateful he has a loving wife, three healthy daughters and a grandchild and that he gets to spend time with them all together.

Then don't tell her. She doesn't need to know everything your family is doing, and to be honest, maybe she shouldn't if her reaction is threats of suicide.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I've read all your comments and replies. I can understand how hard it has been on you and your Dad, but you seem to be making it worse for yourself by focusing on the negative and what isn't possible. How about you all concentrate on what IS possible and make it happen. Life doesn't have to be that hard. Or miserable. That's up to you.

This with bells on

Heartbreaking

Hands up, I have not read all of the replies and your responses so this may have been covered already. But I read quite a few and was just wondering why you never got in first and had everyone over for a big dinner and presents on Christmas Eve?? Then the ex-wife gets the tired cranky kid and slightly hungover adults ..? Genuine question.

Who died and put the ex wife in charge - talk to your sisters and arrange it, if they are frightened of their Mum they may need some persuading, but I'm sure you can do it, just cut her out for one year.

Your dad seems to be the one spoiling xmas. He should grow up and not ruin xmas Day. As for having a pre cooked roast ,that is adding to misery for everyone.
Boxing Day can be just as fun. Can't think why everyone so tired. I love entertaining on Boxing Day. The pressure is off and people enjoy it. You have three problems. One his ex wife holding a grudge after so long. But your Dad obviously caused her great pain when he dumped her. Second your Dad is being childish and petty ruining your xmas Day by showing his misery. He needs to stop wallowing. And thirdly whoever is responsible for buying a precooked roast and making no effort to celebrate xmas Day ,is also at fault.

Did your dad leave his first wife for your mum? If so, it probably makes sense that she would be bitter.

Your dad is being ridiculous as well though. He still has Christmas Day with your mum and you and sees his other children and grandchild the next day. I'm not sure why he makes such a big deal of being sad. It sounds pretty childish to me.

I think the problem is your dad. He sounds ridiculously childish and self-centred.

Honestly, it sounds like he's a manipulative drama queen as well. Nobody needs this crap - but, if everyone continues to feel responsible for their parents' emotions, crap is what everyone will get.

Happy Christmas anyway!

OP's dad sounds as manipulative and attention-seeking as his first wife. She threatens suicide if she had to spend Christmas Day without her daughters and OP's dad refuses to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day without his two elder daughters, to the extent that if OP and her mum cooked a proper Christmas dinner, he would throw it in the bin in a fit of pique.

OP wants her dad's first wife to die so that her dad can have all his children together on Christmas Day. It's all massively disfunctional.

OP's snippy and rude responses also show that the apple hasn't fallen very far from the tree.

Oh dear, she sounds dramatic but both you and your dad sound terribly self pitying and need to pull yourselves together. It’s only a day and can be celebrated any day. Masses of people do split celebrations for any number of reasons and having worked in a pub last night I can assure you there is going to be A LOT of hangovers today too. You say your sisters don’t even want to be there on Boxing Day along with the ‘going missing’ on his birthday. Sounds like an excuse to leave. How would they discover her missing if they were busy with your dad? If it’s really that awful on the 26th then pick another day - 23/24/27. Moping around on 25 is ridiculous just because they have other plans

I was just thinking if op’s comments are true I can see why the dad and first wife split up. Dad and first wife seem petty, vile and selfish and as you say, daughter seems to have the traits of her father. Instead of being grateful that they see each other on Boxing Day as a whole family, the focus on it not being Christmas Day. I feel sorry for the sisters (and OP’s mother), they either have a great Christmas with there mum getting pissed or a miserable on getting drunk to get through it, and then have to put up with a stroppy selfish father and half sister. If we’re them I’d dread Christmas.

There are lots of senarios where whole families don’t get together year on year or ever at Christmas, people in military deployed abroad, people who have family in Australia/different countries, illness.
OP is I think about 15 years at least younger than her siblings (her dad and mum married 10 years after divorce and 5 years of ivf, 40 years without daughters on Christmas) so a least 25, the age when some kids spend Christmas not with their own family but girlfriends/boyfriends family. So I wonder what would happen if OP got a partner and partner wanted to spend every other Christmas at their place with their family- that’s going to be an interesting scenario!

He's just as manipulative and unpleasant as the ex tbh.

Merry Christmas OP, I hope all goes well for you today and tomorrow ❤

Tbh from your posts I'm struggling to understand what Christmas Day looks like for you - in the one reference to your Mum you say she 'throws herself into hosting'. Is that on Boxing Day? Because from your previous posts it sounds like you, Mum and Dad are together and you have a ready meal today for some reason? Because apparently your Dad will bin any attempt at a Christmas dinner simply because his other two daughters and his grandchild aren't there to share it?

When you say that do you mean just his portion or he wouldn't want anyone to have Christmas dinner?

The ex does sound a nightmare but as I've heard in counselling so many times - you can't control her or her reaction, you can only control you. You can't even control your Dad who I think needs to snap out of it tbh. Many spend today alone (I am but by choice), there's no reason why he can't enjoy his day with you and his wife then just look forward to continuing the celebrations tomorrow?

Many have two Christmas' - you seem to be piling 100% of the blame onto ex but it sounds like Dad sulks whilst your sisters are turning up too hungover and not exactly bringing the 'Christmas magic' that you all seem to think will magically appear if they arrive on Christmas Day instead? If they're there out of duty rather than actually wanting to be there it will probably always be a little disappointing - particularly since your Dad seems to have placed such high importance on it!

Look I don't claim to know your Dad but it sounds to me that he has to be the victim. There's no reason you couldn't all go out somewhere nice today or try and make it as nice as possible but that wouldn't fit his victim narrative. If your sisters did one year decide to go to him he'd probably still be all melancholy making comments about 'oh I wish every year were like this, oh woe is me' rather than actually enjoying himself.

Your Christmas Day sounds unnecessarily miserable and I'd have a think about whether you and your Mum could actually have a nice day without him constantly ruining it because he's decided the two of you aren't good enough for whatever reason.

Hey OP , I just wanted to give you a bit of support as there's a lot of sanctimonious muppets on these Christmas forums giving people grief because they obviously have perfect families and perfect Christmases and don't see the other side of it. I get why you wish the ex wife would die, my mum was and still can be pretty narcissistic and mentally abusive since my dad died, suicide threats have always been fairly common and they was times when I wished she would just do it! Not because I'm vile but because it sets everyone free from they way she treats them at times and it sets her free!
I think the boxing day hangovers are quite telling because potentially your sisters feel they have to drink to get through a day with their mother! I sometimes have to have a drink to even call my mother!

NRTFT but sounds to me like you have a lot of resentment towards your dad's first wife (hence wishing her dead) and this whole sorry mess is more of a power struggle and control issue!

I’m appalled at the number of contributors here who haven’t really understood the long term trauma that you and your parents have experienced at the hands of the manipulative person who is the mother of your sisters.

I had a sister who used all sorts of manipulations like this to keep our mother entirely to herself, using threats of self-harm and suicide, and ultimately, bullied and abused our mother into not seeing anyone in the family at all. Our mother was terrified of displeasing my sister because of the months of repurcussions that would follow if my mother was found to have even had a telephone call with me.

I really empathise with you and your parents, and your sisters who are likely doing their best to avoid confrontations with whatever condition their mother is enduring.

It’s an astonishingly difficult scenario.

I found and worked with a therapist for a few years who encouraged those ‘awful’ and ‘self-judged’ feelings we can have, he allowed me to express those feelings, encouraged their full horror, within the safety of the therapy room, and the validation it gave me was incredibly helpful.

You’re not mad or evil to want your blood family to have a reasonable share of shared Christmas Days together without abuse or interference from another branch of the family.

To everyone’s surprise my sister did suicide and the problems disappeared overnight. It may sound callous, but along with all of the other difficult emotions at her death, relief was a part of it.

I hope your Dad gets to have all of his children together one Christmas very soon.

Having children by different women means you likely don't get to see all your children on Christmas day.

That's it.

Unnecessarily lacking any compassion.
Sometimes, even if it’s only one year out of four, with genuinely child-focussed behaviour by the parents and step-parents involved, it is possible.

It does take all of the adults to behave like grown-ups..

It's not lacking compassion, it's just factual.

Why would a man with more than one family expect to have all of his DC with him on Xmas day?

That will always leave the Mother or Mothers alone or at least without their DC.

This is what happens when you have DC from different relationships and are not the primary care giver.

Don't have different families if you expect to be treated like the focus of their lives on holidays when you're not the primary care-giver and never have been.