To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

Of course I’m not enough - I’ll never make up for two other children and a grandchild. But that’s not a slight on me.

Christmas isn’t just Christmas for 24 hours. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day can and are just as special for lots of families. I’ll be having my big Christmas tomorrow, always have done due to divorced families.

I think you need to reframe it and stop putting so much emotion and pressure on one magical date.

So these sisters are in their 40s/50s?

Honestly your dad sounds as passive aggressive as his first wife. Perfectly normal not to spend every Christmas Day with your adult children.

How old is the nephew? Plus, as each year passes he will be able to manage 2 days of celebration more and more, so he won’t be tired and cranky on the 26th forever.

This is how I grew up btw. I moved to the other parent’s house on Christmas Day evening to do a second Christmas on Boxing Day. Now I just consider Christmas to be a multi-day event, with the big day never actually being the best bit - too many expectations around what should happen, so the surrounding days feel more relaxed.

Can you start some Christmas Day traditions, e.g. takeaway/KFC like they do in Japan, more complicated board games that aren’t aimed at kids e.g. Trivial Pursuit, drinking game through Mrs Brown’s Boys 🤭

Stop
Stop
Stop

Yes, it is a slight on you. He's throwing a tantrum and treating you badly because of his mood.

Have you thought about making a 'thing' of, say, New Year so everybody will be up for another big meal and you could have presents then ?

No, it’s not. He doesn’t treat me badly. He just wants all of his children under one roof for one Christmas Day.

In that case I think he is the problem and your sisters are exaggerating the whole situation with their mum, because they don't want to waste their Xmas day with a man so selfish.

I mean they don't even want to drink a bit less booze so they don't turn up on Boxing Day with hangovers.

I'd let your dad wallow to be honest and go find someone else to spend the day with.

hes 4. By the time he can manage it he won’t believe in Father Christmas, so that’s another huge chunk of the magic gone. It just feels very unfair that she can make those threats and that’s that.

Of course he's treating you badly - he's in a foul mood and would chuck your home-cooked roast in the bin!

How is that doing anything but treating you badly?

You just hate men, you have no idea what my dad is like at all. This woman has threatened to slit her wrists so that she gets her own way, but my dad is the problem?!

He’s upset because 40 years on his ex wife is still hell bent on making his life miserable.

Are you the dad?

Then he needs to pull his head out of his arse and spend time with his daughters on another day, instead of letting his ex ruin 40 years of Christmas Days for him.

Honestly, it's all a bit pathetic.

In afraid you are going to have to reframe your Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Instead of having a do over when everyone is tired. Have a buffet and some games. Make it much more relaxed and something everyone desperately wants to be at.

And on Christmas Day you and your Dad should go to Disney land. You’d have a great day! Distraction is your friend here for Christmas Day! Keep busy!

The Christmas “magic” is not Santa? It’s the spirit of giving and kindness. You don’t grow out of that.

See that's where you are wrong. Having his DD and his wife there on Xmas day should be enough and then seeing the rest of them the next day should also be enough. A lot of people don't even have that.

I think you've bought into some dysfunctional thinking and I think it is a slight on you (sorry) but mainly due to his attitude and not anything you've done.

You both should be enough to at least stop him sulking on Christmas day and not spoil it for you both. But deep down he isn't seeing it that way.

I'm sorry OP, but I find your reaction disproportionate to say the least.
You are heart broken by colleagues discussing their plans, and would like a woman to die so you could have 'one good Christmas'? By which you mean, your father having dinner with his three daughters on 25th December?
If you are an adult, your father has had two decades to firstly get a fair contact arrangement when his DDs were children, and now they are adults, invite them to his home. They are grown women, and if they refuse, that's entirely their decision. As is whether they arrange their day so your dad sees his GC.
If I were you, I'd be speaking to your sisters if it means so much to you, because they could easily give your dad his turn if they chose.

No. But I have seen these messages first hand. She makes awful, awful threats any time she’s not prioritised.

Just because she's problematic, doesn't mean your dad isn't also contributing to this shit show.

It’ll never be enough which makes sense. Because I will never be all three of us?

But he chose to have children with two different women so his situation isn't as simple as a nuclear family sitting down to eat.

My brother’s sons always spend Christmas Day with their mum and Boxing Day with their dad (my brother) and my brother isn’t breaking his heart or not enjoying Christmas, or claiming that he never sees them “at Christmas”. But he’s a glass half full sort of guy.

Honestly OP this is just self serving misery and you need to snap out of it and stop moping. Your dad gets to see all his kids and grandkids together on 26th every year so that is your main Christmas Day. If you don’t like them being hungover, do it on 24th instead.