To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

You suggesting that a person not having different families suggests that a person has more control over having a family than any male in the UK has.

Once a woman is pregnant, a male has no say, no choice, no power nor influence on the woman’s decision about whether to have the child, abort the child, or give it up for fostering/adoption. A father has no opportunity to say ‘yes please’ or ‘no thank you’

In this case, he has the opportunity to choose how he behaves around Christmas. He has chosen to behave badly.

Which the mother of those two girls does every year yet you are not criticising her at all.

Oh you’re her

Clever. 🙄

What I actually am is a big believer is dealing with the situation in front of me.

The OP's father has no control over his ex-wife's behavior. He can only control his behavior. As such, he has chosen to wallow in self-pity to the point of ruining Christmas for the OP and his current wife, rather than accepting the situation for what it is and make the best of it. In 40 years, that behavior has not made the situation better. Maybe now it's time he tried something else. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry but this is between your dad and his daughters.
this is actually nothing to do with his first wife, his daughters are adults and could (if they wanted to) see their dad on Christmas Day…. It wouldn’t be fair to leave their mum alone either though, but one daughter could see her and the other see your dad, and the switch the following year!

I do think all getting together on Boving day should be enough though!

my mum and dad have seen me and my DD every christmas day… but they have NEVER spent Christmas Day with my sisters children, or my older brother and his children… my younger brother comes every Boxing Day.

It has little to do with his first wife, and more about families in general.

my exH doesn’t bother with our DD… he sent money but didn’t even call her on Christmas ! So I doubt he’ll ever get Christmas with his DD when she’s adult either… and doubt he’ll meet his grandchildren if she has children..

Your Dad needs to ask his grown DD’s if they’d spend Christmas Day with him, if they use the mother as an excuse then it is exactly that… cause… if they wanted to see him on Christmas Day they’d make it happen!

Sorry but you have a dad problem not an ex wife problem.
If he'd bin a roast just because he doesn't get to have all of his dc on Xmas day and makes everyone else miserable with the atmosphere he is creating hes a big baby throwing his toys out of his pram

Agree whole heartedly with you.
OP’s Dad has his new family to spend Christmas with.. why should his first wife be alone at Christmas?

I have friends who do this and every other year the mother is alone and miserable on Christmas while her ex husband gets every single year with either his new family or his new family and his kids from first marriage… any decent father would be happy for his children to stay in their own house with their mum for Christmas Day and make the most of having another Christmas with them on Boxing Day!

He sounds selfish - sulking and ruining everyone else’s Christmas because he doesn’t get his own way!

Also these 2 older sisters are now adults… it’s so unreasonable to still be blaming the first wife and wishing her dead just to pacify a grown arse adult man!!…. Imagine being one of those daughters reading this!! I’d never speak to the OP again knowing she wished my mother dead! It’s not like first wife stopped him seeing them, they went their Boxing Day FFS!

also Salad for brains (or whatever your username is - you’re so wrong!…. While OFCOURSE a woman has control as to whether she keeps or aborts her unborn embryo (hopefully you don’t think men should have control over a woman’s body!!)… you are wrong about after baby is born… if a woman wants to give the baby up for adoption the bio father has every right to say no and raise the child himself! Why on Earth say that without actually knowing your facts?

Have you ever asked yourself why they split up or what sort of dad he was to them as children or in the 10 years that he was divorced or the 5 he was with your mum before you were born?
You are what 25 now and your siblings are in their 40s thats a huge age gap and they will have decades of his selfish behaviour before you were born to judge him on his behaviour and honestly the way he treats you and your mum speaks volumes about what sort of man he is and how he treated your siblings. He's reaping what hes sown here I'm afraid. I suggest that you make other plans for Xmas from now on with people who love AND respect YOU

Why is your dad letting her ruin his ( and other people’s) Christmas?
The situation is what it is and you could all have a wonderful Christmas but you’re dwelling on what could have been.
Sounds like a load of unnecessary drama and angst to me.

I’ve just read that your dad would bin a Christmas dinner if you made it! What a selfish, selfish man.

I agree with others - your dad is the problem here. And I say that as someone who has a similar blended family set up and have had to deal with my sisters mum who is the most selfish person I’ve ever met.

This. You need to grow up OP. This was your dad’s choice when he left and set up a new family. You just need to deal with it.

OP, whatever your feelings about your dad's first wife, has HE ever made your Christmas magical? Did he when you were little or was it always a crappy takeaway roast on the menu? Was making you happy EVER his priority or just his bitter feelings about the terrible ex-wife? What PPs are saying is that he should not make you bear those feelings of misery. He should have shielded you from them tirelessly regardless of his own unresolved grief. You deserve a nice Christmas with all the trimmings. No matter how much you love your dad, he is not more important than your own happiness.