To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

Is that what your dad tells you?

I’ve seen it with my own eyes. We’ve had girls nights where they’ve shown me the texts. My dad has as minimal contact with her as possible due to her hatred for me.

Because it would mean she’s not been the sole centre of attention.

So she’s a fucking selfish narcissistic drama queen who emotionally blackmails her adult DC to make sure she gets everything her own way.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to have those dark thoughts - she sounds hideous and thinks the world should revolve around her.

They’re still married.

If she raised them, they should spend Christmas with her -if that's what they want.

Your dad needs to stop sulking and you all need to stop letting his first wife "ruin" Christmas. You are all ruining your own Christmas, the day is what you make it.

This is how I feel. She’s mad it very clear that she despises me. In her mind, I’m the reason her and my dad never got back together. Despite the fact they’d been split up 15 years when I was born!

It was 50/50. When my mum and dad got married my eldest sister actually moved in with my parents full time.

Sorry your dad is just as dysfunctional as his ex.

everyone needs to get a grip. It’s just a day.

Not so much with flu/ cold type things, but if it involves vomiting I’m a huge baby. I’ve hated vomitting since I was a child. Well, I know no one exactly ‘likes’ it, but I have a particular hatred of feeling nauseous and being sick.

So the solution is that you want her to die??

do you not thing that might mean they won’t be in the right mindset to start celebrating Christmas with your dad as a replacement?
for one they’ll be heartbroken, for 2…they might still not want it with you, their dad and stepmum anyway. Doesn’t sound like they’re too bothered about Boxing Day.

how much time do you all spend together the rest of the year?

Not at all. I think it’s lovely that you care about your dad. I think it’s desperately sad that he’s so wrapped up in himself and how unhappy he is that you’re having horrendous Christmases each year because he won’t make an effort for you.

What you’re being awful about is blaming a woman for his unhappiness, to the point of wishing death on her, because it’s easier to do that than face the fact that your sisters very clearly do not want to spend their Christmases, or their Boxing Days with your dad.

You're a bit crazy 😂
I have half siblings.
Much younger than me, sometimes my dad invites us as he likes having all his kids but on special days?
We don't really share it, he might pop by at some point, or we might pop over to say hi, late at night.

And that's your dad's problem. He wants to play happy families, just accept it, there's no playing happy families without the mum's being happy, get it?

It’s one day.
How many people do you think are dreading this Christmas because they have had a bereavement or will be totally alone. You have had so long to form family of three traditions, not everyone gets the perfect hallmark Christmas, in fact very few do.
You and your Dad really do need to count your blessings on Christmas Day and then again on Boxing Day when you’re all together, and let this one go.

YANBU to dislike her - she’s sounds unpleasant, however the way you are allowing this to affect you and your dad is totally OTT and un-necessary.

It really doesn’t matter if it’s 25th or 26th or any other day really. As long as he gets to see them and spend time with them over the Xmas festivities that should be fine.

The mother sounds awful but you could do a Xmas eve or Boxing Day get together if you wanted to. I always remember my Boxing Day meals with my grandfather - it was just as enjoyable as Xmas day and I’m sure he wasn’t moping about on Xmas day because my dad chose to spend Xmas day with his mum each year.

Make the most of Xmas day with your dad - why have a ready meal Xmas dinner? It sounds intentionally depressing! Have a slap up meal or go out for Xmas dinner somewhere. Just make a slightly different Xmas tradition for your family - so much hype is given to the one day of Christmas.

Christmas is just one day, this isn't a massive deal and certainly not worth wishing someone dead for 😳

He won’t go out, it’s just a shit day all around. I hate it all

So your poor sisters are basically emotionally blackmailed by both their parents every year. I wonder how they (the sisters) feel about it. Unfair by both parents..

Having said that, I do think your sisters should be firm with their mother for at least one year and spend it with dad

But you still haven't answered my question. How does she feel about her husband's behavior and his treatment of you and her? And is she not kind to you on Christmas Day? Why do you care more about what your father thinks than about what your own mother thinks? (You care so little about her, it seems, that you can't bring yourself to give her a voice.)

There’s a touch of the Cinderella to all this.

Do you realise you’ve criticised three whole independent women to the point of wishing death upon one of them, not said a word even in passing about your own mother - and yet your poor, woebegotten father, the browbeaten hero of the story, gets not just a pass but is treated as the downtrodden victim of FORTY YEARS of Christmas misery??

Can you hear what you yourself are describing?

Are you sure this isn’t about your two half-sisters being more to him than you and his current wife are?

What kind of man is so inept, so weak in front of his first wife and so cruel to his current wife?

No I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I have a couple of family members who are unpleasant and cause the same sort of upset at Christmas for myself and DM & DF, and I often think especially at this time of year that I wish they were dead.

She sends the messages to your dad?

It's beyond belief that after forty years no one in this family has called her bluff. The whole story sounds completely implausible. If your sisters wanted to spend Christmas with you, their dad, and their stepmom, they would do so.

Also why don't you make the 24th your big family Christmas then the ex-wife can have the cranky nephew.

She's clearly a nightmare but your Dad needs to accept that he will never have all his children together on Christmas Day while she's around and make the best of it.