To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

For what? There’s no point because it’s just not a celebration at all.

Your dad needs to get a grip and appreciate the family he has around him instead of moping and making it miserable for them.

Loads of families move Christmas Day, it’s not a bad thing to do. We are having out big family day on the 27th, as some siblings are working or seeing other relatives. Christmas is what and when you make it.

But it feels like we don’t have the day. We don’t have the magic of seeing the little one all excited, we get the tired, grumpy kid who’s too full of chocolate and roast dinner to be happy, and the hungover sisters and brothers in law who would rather be at home. It just feels so unfair

Plenty of parents don't get to see their children on Christmas day due to family dynamics including one of my in-laws. There's no conflict there it's just how it works out and we see them another time. This sounds quite dramatic to say he's miserable when he gets to see them boxing day. Plenty of people don't get that either.

they never really want to be there

are you sure the ex is making threats and them
not just saying that? Maybe they dont actually enjoy xmas with you guys?

Well perhaps if you made more of an effort it'd make for a better day.

Is he really so selfish that he wouldn't cook a roast dinner with you, pop some champagne, open presents and actually celebrate?

Dad (and you) need to shift your mindset.
How do you think folk who have to work on Christmas day manage?
They tend to have "their" Christmas day on another day when they're off and can get together with their family.
If he chooses to be maudlin because he gets to be with everyone on Friday, but not Thursday, he needs a boot up the bum.

I think you have to look at this differently. When you have a split family like this, just have ‘Christmas day number 1’ and ‘Christmas day number 2’. We do this and we treat each day the same, whether it’s Christmas Day or Boxing Day, we open presents, have a lovely dinner and if anything it makes the whole holiday last longer. I actually feel fortunate that though all the people I love can’t be in the same room at the same time, we still get to celebrate in groups.

Lots of parents don't see their kids on Christmas Day for all kinds of reasons - it sounds like your dad needs to get a bit of a grip, really.

I think your dad needs to get his head out of his arse and make an effort to enjoy the day as it is. It's really unfair on the rest of you if he's sat with a slapped arse face. Honestly, he's a grown up acting like a sulky child.

So have your 'other' day on Christmas eve so everyone is still fresh. You are all being massive drama-llamas about this.

Does the date day actually matter? If you do all the trimmings the next day then it’s fine no?

you are an adult you can manage this. Even a child could tbh.

But we don’t have either. We have Wednesday and then hungover family day and it just really aggravates me. I’ve seen first hand the type of things that she’s said when it’s been suggested that it’s reversed (Christmas at ours and Boxing Day with her), ranging from “well you’ll never see me again” to threatening to take her own life.

I'd be very insulted if my dad was miserable on Christmas day because I was the only daughter there.

Especially when he'll be seeing the other two the following day.

Well, that's on him. That is ridiculously indulgent. It sounds like he has cast a pall over your Christmas for as long as you can all remember, when he needed to get a grip and enjoy the day, and the re-do after.

Presumably his other daughters are adults who could choose to see their dad on Xmas day if they wished?

I don't think wishing death on people is a good idea just because there's a fall out and disagreement over one day of the year. I don't see why your dad doesn't enjoy Christmas ever?

This
You spend boxing day together as a family.
I think YABU OP and need to get a reality check.
There are very real reasons why people don't like Christmas. To describe your situation as Horrendous is completely ott

If I cooked a roast it would get binned, all he wants is to spend one Christmas with all his children together, like she gets to every year.

She sounds mentally unwell.

But your dad needs to get a bloody grip himself. I'd be really offended if I was in your shoes and he couldn't sort his attitude out for one day.

So they "never really want to be there" on Boxing Day? I assume they don't really want to be there on Christmas Day either in that case! If they were that excited to spend time with their Dad they wouldn't be hungover either would they? As for his first wife having plenty of other people to spend the day with - plenty of other people is not the same as your own children. In fact in your own words "it's not the same is it"? Your Dad sounds like a typical bloke making it all about him and his bloody heart break. Your mother must be a saint for putting up with this sulking shit every Christmas Day. Tell him to get over himself,.

Really? He doesn't sound very nice.

Be honest with yourself OP, is your dad's disappointment making you feel like second best? Like you are not enough to make him happy on Christmas day.

It would be perfectly natural for you to feel and internalise this but it's not on you or your sisters to make a grown man feel grateful for what he has.

Honestly I'm judging your dad's attitude more than his ex wife's to be honest. He is the one spoiling it rather than being pragmatic and making his youngest daughter feel she is enough.

Are you sure your dad is this heartbroken about it?

He's getting a family occasion with everyone there. There are loads of reasons people don't get to celebrate on 25th.

This is on your sisters, not their mother now, but if their mother would be alone otherwise, and your father has a new family, I can see why they'd choose their mum.

He sounds petulant.