To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

Perhaps another way of looking at this is that your dad chose to have two children with this woman, so from that moment onwards he has to be responsible for that choice. He chose to have her in his life for as long as his eldest children are alive. He’s brought this onto himself. It’s also really quite pathetic to have let a situation persist for 40 YEARS and not to have been able to do something about it. I mean, come on. It’s not like there are unfortunate and irresolvable issues at play. He just can’t handle a woman trying to emotionally manipulate him. And his two eldest daughters are no better (so much so you’d think that at least one of them would have the support of her DH to back out at least one year and spend Christmas with her dad….makes you wonder whether they actually want to).

Are you sure this isn’t just your dad being miserable, guilty, a bit useless and taking it out on you and your mum? Honestly, he sounds pretty lame

He could have taken her to court years ago.

I've been married for 25 years and have 3 lovely adult sons.

I do not hate men.

I hate selfish nasty men, particularly one who would gladly ruin his daughter's Christmas by being a miserable git and would actually throw his roast dinner in the bin if you cooked it.

And have you ever actually heard her saying she'll slit her wrists, or is that what your sisters have told you is the reason they don't want to be with their dad on Christmas day?

It doesn't matter - he should still be grown up enough not to sit there with a face like a smacked arse.

Or do you and his wife not matter enough for him to do that?

I agree with the new years idea. Could you all gather new years, maybe have small gifts and a board game. Make a new tradition for your nephew.
I do think he needs to give his head a wobble as many families out there who can't see each other at all. Let their mum have christmas and he have NY

He sounds awful. He's spent a lifetime telling you all his problems are down to her and yet her daughters would rather be with their mother.

Even if it does make him desperately sad, what kind of father makes Christmas miserable for the daughter (and wife) who is present?

What about having your christmas get together on christmas eve?

How dare you cast aspersions like that? Of course the woman who threatens to slit her wrists whenever it doesn’t go her way is innocent though! She’s totally entitled to do that.

Let me guess he ran off with your mum…

You sound utterly ridiculous OP. Yes you and your dad are being unreasonable.

Nope. They were divorced 10 years before he met my mum and it was another 5 before they had me via IVF. She has always hated me though, always believed that if I wasn’t born they’d have got back together.

Your sisters are grown adults now. It’s no good blaming their mum. If they wanted to spend Christmas Day with you and your dad, then they would. Their relationship with your dad is going to be very different than yours. Perhaps they just don’t have that intensity of feeling for him as you do?

They have their way of doing Christmas and they’re obviously happy with that. And what about their husbands/partners? Perhaps they hate not spending the day with their families? Perhaps they’d like to shut the door on the lot of you and just stay at home? Perhaps they’re picking up on your dad’s wish to spend Christmas with them and they’re feeling pressured because they don’t really want to?

Also, ‘horrendous’? If it’s your dad moping about, then perhaps you would have a better Christmas if you didn’t see him until Boxing Day either. It might him appreciate the family who do want to spend Christmas Day with him.

Change it up a bit. A ready roast is never going to appeal the day after Christmas dinner. Give the nephew a couple of paracetamol and some orange juice. That might make them feel a bit more enthusiastic about it.

And again, have you ever heard her threatening to slit her wrists?

Your father sounds churlish and childish. It’s only one day, My family all have our own Christmas Day and we meet for dinner in the 26th and have a great time.
There’s nothing stopping your family from having a lovely day on the 26th all together.
Its clear the first wife won’t change and the daughters won’t challenge her on it so move on and plan your own family day together and ditch the petty behaviour

I didn't say she was innocent

But your dad has been doing this for FORTY YEARS. He's ruined that many Christmases for you and his wife for no actual reason and you're okay with that?

Eurgh. Stop babying him. He's an adult man who needs to get a grip of himself.

You can't change the Christmas Day arrangements. But why don't you all choose a different day? Have your celebration the Sunday before Christmas? Steal her thunder. Spread the joy. Take the little ones to meet Santa.
That doesn't help you this year but plan ahead for next?

My dh has 2 older kids who always spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with their mum. Dh never saw them on Christmas morning since the time they split up. It's shit. Even now they are adults they have Christmas Eve and most of the day with their mum.

I’ve seen the messages come through with my own eyes.

Just do your own Christmas on Christmas Eve. It’s a better day full of anticipation anyway.

Your dad needs to get over it. Its one day. 30 years of christmas bei g "horrendous" is absolutely ridiculous.

YABU on so many levels. Wishing someone dead is vile, but wishing them dead because of one day is beyond. My DH has to work xmas day so we've always celebrated on boxing day. It's life.
As someone else said it's the day not date. 25th is arbitrary, no reason why you can't do presents, dinner with all the trimmings and make core memories (please 🙄) on any other day.

As a parent, having one of my children with me would be enough to make me happy. As long as I know the others are okay

I'm a step mum to two adults DDs. We have never had them visit us on Christmas day because their mother displays the same behaviour and has the same mental health struggles as you dad's ex wife.

My DH has never ever sulked or created a bad atmosphere on Christmas day because he was sad they weren't here. He's happy because they are happy and is content that additional stress is not being added to them in an emotional tug of war.

Your dad is not being fair to you or his wife. You've bought into the narrative that he is a victim but he isn't and he really isn't being kind or fair to his wife and youngest daughter.

Him sulking is not being reasonable whatever way you look at it and you need to take a step back from the situation. You and his wife should be enough.

This is just what happens with split families though isn’t it? If I was one of the elder daughters, I wouldn’t want to leave my Mum alone, especially when my Dad has gone on to remarry and have more children (the OP).

When marriages break down, you kinda kiss goodbye to the wholesome family sitting down on Christmas Day with all the kids from different marriages all tucking in to the turkey together. When he decided to impregnate more than one woman it’s kind obvious Christmas routine will change for both himself and the different sets of children. It’s rare Fathers can have all their children there on Christmas Day - especially in this instance when the first wife is alone. Surely you can see that they can’t leave their Mum on Christmas Day. Would your Mum and Dad consider inviting the first wife to join you all?

If your Dad has had forty years of it, you think he’d be used to it by now - is he still genuinely heartbroken that he sees adult children on Boxing Day? It’s not like they’re toddlers and he’s missing them opening presents. They’re grown women.

If it’s just one day, why does she have to have the 25th every damn year? It’s surely not a big deal if she’s alone just once.

If it’s just one day, why does she have to have the 25th every damn year? It’s surely not a big deal if she’s alone just once.

I’m sorry it’s upsetting you all so much, but it does all sound a little bit dramatic? We have two celebrations in my family due to circumstances, and the Boxing Day meal is just as much fun tbh (I go to both every year) and despite the children’s ages ranging from 1 to 9 none of them are tired & grumpy on Boxing Day, nor are any of the adults hungover and miserable? It kind of feels like you’re all determined not to have a good time on either of the days.