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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL refused our gift

246 replies

Hohummumbum · 23/12/2025 08:25

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

OP posts:
Wowzel · 23/12/2025 08:25

She was extremely rude.

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 23/12/2025 08:27

She’s the problem.

Motnight · 23/12/2025 08:28

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 23/12/2025 08:27

She’s the problem.

And hopefully DH will realise this.

Londonrach1 · 23/12/2025 08:28

What a rude lady. Even if you too much you take the gift say thank you.

YodasHairyButt · 23/12/2025 08:29

Had she previously stated that she didn’t want any gifts this year? If not, then yes she’s very rude and it would be the last time I bought her anything. Enjoy the cheese, her loss.

Craftysue · 23/12/2025 08:30

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CosyMintFish · 23/12/2025 08:30

Maybe both - it’s completely reasonable to feel upset on behalf of your DH, as that sounds pretty bruising. But your MIL sounds lonely and unsettled. No excuse for behaving rudely, but everyone might be happier in the long run if you can respond in a way which removes stress rather than adds to it.

NextDG · 23/12/2025 08:31

Honestly it sounds as if she wasn't really up to engaging with the gift. MH issues (as a hoarder) + moving house for the first time i.n 50 years- that's a lot and I can well imagine that she felt a bit beyond social niceties. Did she know you were coming round?

It's a shame because it was obviously kindly meant. In your husband's position I would not let this damage the relationship further and I'd try again another day

Lazygardener · 23/12/2025 08:31

Very rude. Enjoy the cheese yourselves!

SummerHouse · 23/12/2025 08:33

This just strikes me as someone who is at the end of their tether. Massively rude but she clearly needs understanding and support if you can see past the gift snub.

RacingAcrossTheSofa · 23/12/2025 08:34

She was very rude, but it also sounds like it wasn’t personal, she’d have been that rude to anyone.

Navigating strained family relationships is so difficult, I do feel for your DH. Perhaps better to just back off for now, see if she settles a bit as she gets used to the move.

ShawnaMacallister · 23/12/2025 08:36

I think we can see why the relationship is strained...DH needs to stop trying to appease her and have a nice relationship with her. Brief and functional from now on.

RampantIvy · 23/12/2025 08:37

Could she be starting with dementia? My lovely, late MIL became rude and aggressive when this horrible disease took hold of her.

Butterfly44 · 23/12/2025 08:37

Only you will know if this is out of character or not. To me it sounds like she is extremely unsettled and perhaps has things going on she hasn’t disclosed to you

HectorPlasm · 23/12/2025 08:37

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HectorPlasm · 23/12/2025 08:38

Oops - sorry! Didn't mean to belittle a personal story

RampantIvy · 23/12/2025 08:40

HectorPlasm · 23/12/2025 08:38

Oops - sorry! Didn't mean to belittle a personal story

Edited

It's OK, but it is a possibility.

randomchap · 23/12/2025 08:40

So you've got some extra nice cheese, biscuits, and chutney? I'd focus on that positive.

Also she does sound massively stressed. Unless this oddness is part of ongoing behaviour I'd just ignore it as a one off

Enjoy the cheese

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2025 08:43

She’s massively stressed. Moved home after 50 years, sorted out years of hoarding, trying to settle into a new place just before Christmas. How much practical and moral support has her son offered throughout all this? Maybe cut her some slack and reflect on how hard this process has been for her.

abracadabra1980 · 23/12/2025 08:52

Hmm I have just moved and have a mother who 'gives me things' constantly. It's extremely annoying when you are trying to declutter and more so as I have just moved house too and getting rid of tons of crap. Saying that, I love my kids and would never treat them in that manner. In the first 3 mi the post move, best present would be an afternoons help each week and a few trips to the tip for me though.

Onelifeonly · 23/12/2025 08:55

NextDG · 23/12/2025 08:31

Honestly it sounds as if she wasn't really up to engaging with the gift. MH issues (as a hoarder) + moving house for the first time i.n 50 years- that's a lot and I can well imagine that she felt a bit beyond social niceties. Did she know you were coming round?

It's a shame because it was obviously kindly meant. In your husband's position I would not let this damage the relationship further and I'd try again another day

This
Maybe think more about why she did this than your own reactions?

JingleMyBellsChristmasSmells · 23/12/2025 08:56

Very rude.
You mentioned she was/is a bit of a hoarder so she will be a rather selfish person which I suspect will have something to do with the strained relationship? Their hoard comes above all else and if she has 'lost' her treasures in the move she will be frantic, that shiny new lodge will be full of crap within weeks and she will be back on an even keel.
Both you and your husband need to create mental distance from her, she won't change.

jessycake · 23/12/2025 08:57

Getting rid of many of your possessions and moving to somewhere where you spend the last years of your life is another sort of grief for some people . It would be for me .

Original poster
Hohummumbum · 23/12/2025 08:58

MIL can be very self centred, sometimes her requests are unreasonable and she doesn’t appreciate that we both work and don’t have time to drop everything every time she needs something, then guilt trips us.

We did phone her yesterday to ask if we could come over as it’s a 30 minute drive so wanted to make sure she was home.

OP posts:
senua · 23/12/2025 08:59

Maybe send a text along the lines of "sorry that you were upset by our gift". Then leave the ball in her court.

It seems a short-sighted reaction from someone who will probably want help with the move / settling in.