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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you drop this friend

209 replies

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 00:12

Old work colleague but we've kept in touch. Went to her wedding evening do back in September, I got them a lovely afternoon tea with voucher with champagne that cost circa £100 which is alot for me as I'm not that well off. Put the envelope on the gift table at the reception.
After the reception I hadn't heard anything for over a week so messaged "lovely reception, hope you enjoy the afternoon tea". The reply i got was "Yeah we are looking forward to it, we will have to get your address to send a thank you card". Not heard a word since.
I know people are busy, I know especially after a wedding (to be fair theirs was very casual) that people have stuff to do. But not even a text to say thanks, I had to message them and then nothing since. Is this rude?

OP posts:
dontmalbeconme · 23/12/2025 14:41

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:11

There's other stuff too, they were just examples. Im going through my life at the moment and as I had a really shit birthday where only 2 people wished me happy birthday I'm contemplating who I want to go into 2026 with. No big announcements just quietly drift. I already cut of my best friend this year so it's been shite.

Multiple posting glitch.

dontmalbeconme · 23/12/2025 14:41

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:11

There's other stuff too, they were just examples. Im going through my life at the moment and as I had a really shit birthday where only 2 people wished me happy birthday I'm contemplating who I want to go into 2026 with. No big announcements just quietly drift. I already cut of my best friend this year so it's been shite.

Multiple posting glitch

dontmalbeconme · 23/12/2025 14:41

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:11

There's other stuff too, they were just examples. Im going through my life at the moment and as I had a really shit birthday where only 2 people wished me happy birthday I'm contemplating who I want to go into 2026 with. No big announcements just quietly drift. I already cut of my best friend this year so it's been shite.

Multiple posting glitch

dontmalbeconme · 23/12/2025 14:41

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:11

There's other stuff too, they were just examples. Im going through my life at the moment and as I had a really shit birthday where only 2 people wished me happy birthday I'm contemplating who I want to go into 2026 with. No big announcements just quietly drift. I already cut of my best friend this year so it's been shite.

Multiple posting glitch

dontmalbeconme · 23/12/2025 14:41

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:11

There's other stuff too, they were just examples. Im going through my life at the moment and as I had a really shit birthday where only 2 people wished me happy birthday I'm contemplating who I want to go into 2026 with. No big announcements just quietly drift. I already cut of my best friend this year so it's been shite.

Has it occured to you that these multiple friendship failures might be a "you" problem rather than a "everybody else but you" problem. Because you are the common denominator here, and you come across as very inflexible and demanding, and I can see how you might be difficult to get along with.

Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 14:44

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:33

It's other stuff too, she can be quite judgemental and vocal about my choices with my dc which don't affect her in any way. I don't want to be cold but this year has taught me alot and holding on to people for the sake of it seems pointless to me now.

Honestly you sound vulnerable and angry and wanting to lash out. And if youve had a breakdown and fallen out with your best friend over something substantial its no wonder. But reactively culling your circle may make it worse not better.

If you haven't told this friend how and whys hurt you id do that first

TwistedWonder · 23/12/2025 14:49

Honestly OP you do sound like you are very inflexible, think that your way is the right way and everyone should stick to your idea of standards.

It does seem you were fishing for gratitude after overspending on a gift for a former workmate at a casual wedding and because she didn’t fawn over you with gushing thanks, you’ve copped the hump and looking for reasons to feel aggrieved.

Your updates all do scream ‘me me me me me’ and justifying why you’re right and she’s wrong

I don’t think this woman can go right for doing wrong in your mind so just fade the friendship - it doesn’t sound like it’ll be a great loss to either of you.

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:52

Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 14:41

Dare I ask what?

I think this is the point tho. Best friend was awful. This ones been a bit inconsiderate at best. Its not the same. Id talk to your friend about feeling taken for granted and if she doesnt care maybe then end the friendship.

But I wouldnt just drop her if youre reeling for a recent hurt

She picked up with a wrongon bloke about 5 years ago. He "liked me" on a dating app whilst they were together, I told her and he wormed his way out of it and she believed his spiel about why he was on a dating app. I obviously stayed friends with her (we were friends for 30 years) but it wasn't the same as I couldn't stand this bloke but she seemed to like him so that's her choice.

Then back in the summer we went out as a group for her birthday in town and as we were stood in the queue her boyfriend walked past me and grabbed my arse. I told my dp who was obviously fuming but I said I didn't want to ruin her birthday. When we got inside dp just wanted to punch him (he didn't and wouldn't) and i took a mutual friend aside, explained what had happened and said I'm not going to tell my friend tonight but I need to leave, so dp and I left.

I spoke to her after that night, explained what happened (she had already been told by mutual friend) and she basically let him talk his way out of it so I decided I couldn't support her being with this man anymore and cut her off, which sounds harsh but she basically let her dick head boyfriend grab my arse and get away with it over a 30 year friendship. This man then went on a few months later to rape her teenage daughter (after which i did reach out in support but she didn't reply).

OP posts:
Whatwouldnanado · 23/12/2025 14:56

Really why is her friendship so important to you? She doesn’t seem very kind or considerate to you, has different priorities. I wouldn’t give her any more headspace. I doubt she will invite you to anything, but be busy if she does and concentrate on widening your circle.

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:56

dontmalbeconme · 23/12/2025 14:41

Has it occured to you that these multiple friendship failures might be a "you" problem rather than a "everybody else but you" problem. Because you are the common denominator here, and you come across as very inflexible and demanding, and I can see how you might be difficult to get along with.

Not inflexible or demanding, I'm actually working on trying to stop being a people pleaser!

OP posts:
Heyhelga · 23/12/2025 14:58

I wouldn't drop her but I wouldn't try with her again until she prompts. I would be open to letting it go, but also be prepared to never hear from her again. A lot of people go off in a new direction when they get married. It happens.

InBedBy10 · 23/12/2025 15:14

You are not friends, you are acquaintances. This is a low effort friendship. People you only see at parties, special occasions etc. You dont talk or meet up beyond that.
There's nothing wrong with that as long as you know thats your place with her.

You seem to be holding alot of resentment towards her. Probably because you thought your friendship was deeper than it was and feel hurt by her seemingly indifference to you. Drop her if you are not happy with being an acquaintance.

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 15:24

I actually regret giving that gift now. Not because of the thank you, but because now looking back it was too extravagant. I was worried before as I've previously done £25 in a card type thing and thought maybe that was tight so that's why I thought afternoon tea was a nice treat for them. Maybe £50 in a card might have been better 🤔

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 15:31

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:52

She picked up with a wrongon bloke about 5 years ago. He "liked me" on a dating app whilst they were together, I told her and he wormed his way out of it and she believed his spiel about why he was on a dating app. I obviously stayed friends with her (we were friends for 30 years) but it wasn't the same as I couldn't stand this bloke but she seemed to like him so that's her choice.

Then back in the summer we went out as a group for her birthday in town and as we were stood in the queue her boyfriend walked past me and grabbed my arse. I told my dp who was obviously fuming but I said I didn't want to ruin her birthday. When we got inside dp just wanted to punch him (he didn't and wouldn't) and i took a mutual friend aside, explained what had happened and said I'm not going to tell my friend tonight but I need to leave, so dp and I left.

I spoke to her after that night, explained what happened (she had already been told by mutual friend) and she basically let him talk his way out of it so I decided I couldn't support her being with this man anymore and cut her off, which sounds harsh but she basically let her dick head boyfriend grab my arse and get away with it over a 30 year friendship. This man then went on a few months later to rape her teenage daughter (after which i did reach out in support but she didn't reply).

Thats all horrific. She should have supported you, its terrible she didnt. And the consequences of that were unthinkable. Especially as I imagine you were close to her daughter.

And your relationship must have been new if you were also on apps. So this friend not standing by you must have hurt.

I can understand why that would be a reason to end a friendship. But you sound like youre still angry and then over reacting to slight infringements. Im not saying your friend is perfect but they are minor things you could discuss, sounds to me like you need more goof friends not less

Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 15:38

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:56

Not inflexible or demanding, I'm actually working on trying to stop being a people pleaser!

I could absolutely believe that. But you dont become more arresting by just avoiding conflict and cutting people off.

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 15:38

Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 15:31

Thats all horrific. She should have supported you, its terrible she didnt. And the consequences of that were unthinkable. Especially as I imagine you were close to her daughter.

And your relationship must have been new if you were also on apps. So this friend not standing by you must have hurt.

I can understand why that would be a reason to end a friendship. But you sound like youre still angry and then over reacting to slight infringements. Im not saying your friend is perfect but they are minor things you could discuss, sounds to me like you need more goof friends not less

The "liking" on the dating app was about 3 years ago and he told her he only went on there to "flatter women" as it was a nice thing to do apparently 🤨 She stuck with him though, I think because he was abusive in the opposite way to her ex of 15 years (and dad to her dc) she didn't think her new dp was abusive.

Yes I was close to her dd as I've known her since birth. I'm not with my dp now, it only lasted 8 months and ended in October this year but he was supportive when that dickhead grabbed my bum.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 23/12/2025 15:40

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 14:35

I was referring to my 40th birthday a few years ago with the presents, my birthday this year only had 2 birthday wishes.

Sorry that was very unclear.

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 15:42

Arlanymor · 23/12/2025 15:40

Sorry that was very unclear.

I can see that it was unclear 🙂

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 15:42

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 15:38

The "liking" on the dating app was about 3 years ago and he told her he only went on there to "flatter women" as it was a nice thing to do apparently 🤨 She stuck with him though, I think because he was abusive in the opposite way to her ex of 15 years (and dad to her dc) she didn't think her new dp was abusive.

Yes I was close to her dd as I've known her since birth. I'm not with my dp now, it only lasted 8 months and ended in October this year but he was supportive when that dickhead grabbed my bum.

All that sounds so much more important than this thank you text stuff.

You need to work on facing conflict, you need to tell the people youre close to when theyre being inconsiderate or hurtful to you and hold them accountable for fixing it with you.

Otherwise youll risk losing good friends. Im sorry about your best friend

UnintentionalArcher · 23/12/2025 15:46

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 01:49

We were in east London and I'm not from London it's a 2 hour train journey from where I live so I was clueless

@ARunByFruiting Ok, she perhaps could have made more of an effort to thank you. Not everyone does handwritten notes these days - I would still send handwritten notes to certain family members but texts to friends - although I agree that ‘‘I’ll have to get your address’ probably was her asking for it.

I don’t think, however, most people would expect to help their friend navigate across London on the tube unless there was a specific reason, like being non-English speaking or knowing that they were a really nervous/inexperienced traveller. You’re in your forties - are you ok with technology? Google Maps will really tell you everything you need to know to navigate the tube, and tube maps are easy to use.

Some posters have noticed that you seem a bit inflexible in your thinking - this stood out to me too. Not seeing ‘I’ll have to get your address’ as actually being the request for your address really stands out to me. I say this because my brain can work that way too - I have ADHD, which can have traits which overlap with autism. When I was younger, I could be an extremely black-and-white thinker about what people said. I was actually pretty emotionally intuitive about people but I would get tied up in knots about the actual language they used and question my intuition.

Lots of people are quite slapdash/imprecise about the language they use - no criticism of others; we’ve all got different strengths and weaknesses - and this could cause problems for me with my language-focused brain. I can imagine teenage or even twenties me thinking ‘ah, she’s said that she’ll have to get my address. That means she’s busy now but she will ask for it in the future when she’s got time to send a thank you’. Now, I laugh a bit at my own ridiculousness in some situations, but at the same time I try to think kindly about my brain; the upside, of course, is that precision and detail focus can be a strength academically and professionally.

That’s my longwinded way of asking if you are, or think you might be, neurodivergent?

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 15:48

Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 15:42

All that sounds so much more important than this thank you text stuff.

You need to work on facing conflict, you need to tell the people youre close to when theyre being inconsiderate or hurtful to you and hold them accountable for fixing it with you.

Otherwise youll risk losing good friends. Im sorry about your best friend

Having her out of life for 6 months has actually made me realise we had massively drifted apart, especially over the past 5 years where she was with that no mark bloke so I don't really miss her and think maybe with hindsight i'd maintained the friendship purely because of it's longevity.

I'm not great at conflict tbh, I get quite panicky.

OP posts:
ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 15:54

UnintentionalArcher · 23/12/2025 15:46

@ARunByFruiting Ok, she perhaps could have made more of an effort to thank you. Not everyone does handwritten notes these days - I would still send handwritten notes to certain family members but texts to friends - although I agree that ‘‘I’ll have to get your address’ probably was her asking for it.

I don’t think, however, most people would expect to help their friend navigate across London on the tube unless there was a specific reason, like being non-English speaking or knowing that they were a really nervous/inexperienced traveller. You’re in your forties - are you ok with technology? Google Maps will really tell you everything you need to know to navigate the tube, and tube maps are easy to use.

Some posters have noticed that you seem a bit inflexible in your thinking - this stood out to me too. Not seeing ‘I’ll have to get your address’ as actually being the request for your address really stands out to me. I say this because my brain can work that way too - I have ADHD, which can have traits which overlap with autism. When I was younger, I could be an extremely black-and-white thinker about what people said. I was actually pretty emotionally intuitive about people but I would get tied up in knots about the actual language they used and question my intuition.

Lots of people are quite slapdash/imprecise about the language they use - no criticism of others; we’ve all got different strengths and weaknesses - and this could cause problems for me with my language-focused brain. I can imagine teenage or even twenties me thinking ‘ah, she’s said that she’ll have to get my address. That means she’s busy now but she will ask for it in the future when she’s got time to send a thank you’. Now, I laugh a bit at my own ridiculousness in some situations, but at the same time I try to think kindly about my brain; the upside, of course, is that precision and detail focus can be a strength academically and professionally.

That’s my longwinded way of asking if you are, or think you might be, neurodivergent?

I am dyslexic and dyscalculia so process things slower than most (instructions, written words). I do get fixated on something, let it upset me to the point of obsessive thinking but then the next day for example don't care at all about it.

OP posts:
Getdne · 23/12/2025 15:56

She's rude.
Stop chasing this friendship.
That was a huge present for an evening do.
Too much IMO.

Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 16:05

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 15:48

Having her out of life for 6 months has actually made me realise we had massively drifted apart, especially over the past 5 years where she was with that no mark bloke so I don't really miss her and think maybe with hindsight i'd maintained the friendship purely because of it's longevity.

I'm not great at conflict tbh, I get quite panicky.

I can tell.

But going from tolerating BS behaviour (from best friend) is the same as "dropping" current friend for no thank you text... its avoiding conflict by either aversion or people pleasing. And its leaving you with a diminishing circle of friends or being taken advantage of.

You need to work on facing difficult conversations and then talk to this friend and see if it can be resolved with an apology

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 16:10

Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 16:05

I can tell.

But going from tolerating BS behaviour (from best friend) is the same as "dropping" current friend for no thank you text... its avoiding conflict by either aversion or people pleasing. And its leaving you with a diminishing circle of friends or being taken advantage of.

You need to work on facing difficult conversations and then talk to this friend and see if it can be resolved with an apology

Thing is when I did confront best friend about it she didn't make any effort to "save" the friendship.

OP posts: