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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you drop this friend

209 replies

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 00:12

Old work colleague but we've kept in touch. Went to her wedding evening do back in September, I got them a lovely afternoon tea with voucher with champagne that cost circa £100 which is alot for me as I'm not that well off. Put the envelope on the gift table at the reception.
After the reception I hadn't heard anything for over a week so messaged "lovely reception, hope you enjoy the afternoon tea". The reply i got was "Yeah we are looking forward to it, we will have to get your address to send a thank you card". Not heard a word since.
I know people are busy, I know especially after a wedding (to be fair theirs was very casual) that people have stuff to do. But not even a text to say thanks, I had to message them and then nothing since. Is this rude?

OP posts:
SallyDraperGetInHere · 23/12/2025 00:44

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 00:38

To be fair unless you're very close to people these days they don't generally know your exact address unless you entertain at home.

When she said ‘I must get your address’ did you give it, or did you say ‘no need’?

Poms · 23/12/2025 00:47

SallyDraperGetInHere · 23/12/2025 00:44

When she said ‘I must get your address’ did you give it, or did you say ‘no need’?

Show quote history

She may well be wondering why you didn’t give your address when asked.

ETA: meant to quote OP

Original poster
ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 00:48

Im starting to think I'm the "filler" friend. The one yiu invite to your 40th party (which cost me ££s to get there and was basically abandoned in london). The one you invite to a random burns party but don't answer your phone when i am completely lost and barely speak to me when I get there. The one who comes to my birthday but "forgets" a gift and acts like you don't want to make the effort and lastly doesn't thank me for a generous wedding gift.

OP posts:
Poms · 23/12/2025 00:51

OP, you seriously dislike this woman. For both your sakes I would leave well alone now.

Original poster
ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 00:53

When I got married and writing the thank you cards I specifically asked for addresses. Hers was more, oh yeah, we are looking forward to it, we'll have to get your address to send a thank you. Which indicates they had no intention and the fact I've heard nothing since, especially a reminder for address, there was no intention in the first place

OP posts:
Poms · 23/12/2025 00:54

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 00:53

When I got married and writing the thank you cards I specifically asked for addresses. Hers was more, oh yeah, we are looking forward to it, we'll have to get your address to send a thank you. Which indicates they had no intention and the fact I've heard nothing since, especially a reminder for address, there was no intention in the first place

You have a victim mentality

Original poster
ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 00:56

Poms · 23/12/2025 00:54

You have a victim mentality

Show quote history

Ok 🤨

OP posts:
Ella31 · 23/12/2025 00:59

Was it a uk based wedding. Here in Ireland, you usually send out the thank you cards 3- 6 plus months after the event. I dont think I've ever gotten or expected a thank you text afterwards and def not a week after the wedding. But I can appreciate it might be different in other countries.

Eenameenadeeka · 23/12/2025 01:08

I wouldn't think it would be a reason to drop a friend, no.

Original poster
ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 01:09

It was a very casual wedding in a room above a pub. The groom wore jeans and the bride a nice pair of trousers and top, it was nothing fancy at all. Uk wedding, very casual and most of the guests were family.

OP posts:
WriterOfWrongs · 23/12/2025 01:13

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 00:48

Im starting to think I'm the "filler" friend. The one yiu invite to your 40th party (which cost me ££s to get there and was basically abandoned in london). The one you invite to a random burns party but don't answer your phone when i am completely lost and barely speak to me when I get there. The one who comes to my birthday but "forgets" a gift and acts like you don't want to make the effort and lastly doesn't thank me for a generous wedding gift.

How were you abandoned in London after her 40th party though? You were always going to go to St Albans, it was your responsibility to know which trains you needed for that. I appreciate your friend’s friend was meant to go with you, and then didn't, But is that really your mutual friend’s fault?

And when she said “we must get your address” one week after her wedding, why on earth didn’t you either give it to get it say no worries, you don’t need to send me a thank you card?!

Original poster
ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 01:18

I just know if it it were me and I had promised my friend who wasn't from London that a friend of mine was getting the same train (hence why I went) which stops at st Albans then at the last second said actually they aren't, i'd be concerned and at least keep track of them whilst they navigated their why across the tubes and to a train which was taking them to Hertfordshire. I heard nothing at all.

OP posts:
Starbursthack · 23/12/2025 01:40

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 01:18

I just know if it it were me and I had promised my friend who wasn't from London that a friend of mine was getting the same train (hence why I went) which stops at st Albans then at the last second said actually they aren't, i'd be concerned and at least keep track of them whilst they navigated their why across the tubes and to a train which was taking them to Hertfordshire. I heard nothing at all.

It's just a train. You are surely more than capable of looking up a timetable.

Springtimehere · 23/12/2025 01:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WriterOfWrongs · 23/12/2025 01:47

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 01:18

I just know if it it were me and I had promised my friend who wasn't from London that a friend of mine was getting the same train (hence why I went) which stops at st Albans then at the last second said actually they aren't, i'd be concerned and at least keep track of them whilst they navigated their why across the tubes and to a train which was taking them to Hertfordshire. I heard nothing at all.

oh come on, the train from St Pancras to St Albans is 31 minutes!! It’s why many people commute from St Albans. It’s hardly a long journey to a dangerous place with few people on the train .

Yes you had to navigate tubes beforehand but again, that’s something thousands of people who aren’t Londoners do every day.

You’re expecting a lot of attention from her. And she can’t give it.

Original poster
ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 01:49

WriterOfWrongs · 23/12/2025 01:47

oh come on, the train from St Pancras to St Albans is 31 minutes!! It’s why many people commute from St Albans. It’s hardly a long journey to a dangerous place with few people on the train .

Yes you had to navigate tubes beforehand but again, that’s something thousands of people who aren’t Londoners do every day.

You’re expecting a lot of attention from her. And she can’t give it.

Show quote history

We were in east London and I'm not from London it's a 2 hour train journey from where I live so I was clueless

OP posts:
SouthernNights59 · 23/12/2025 01:55

Rehab4rightmove · 23/12/2025 00:34

You don't like her very much, and her not thanking you after a week validated how you feel.

'I'm looking forward to it' demonstrates more gratitude than a simple Thank you.

I would be irritated to be chased after a week if i had just got married, had 3 children and wedding admin to complete.
Your thank you card might wait until the others had been written (especially if I didn't have your address).

The wedding was in September - how long does it take to thank someone for a gift? How long does it take to send someone a message asking for their address?

For those hard of reading: OP initially contacted her friend a week after the wedding, hasn't heard a word since.

HeadyLamarr · 23/12/2025 02:09

ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 01:49

We were in east London and I'm not from London it's a 2 hour train journey from where I live so I was clueless

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She assumed you aren't incompetent. London transport isn't hard, for heaven's sake - I live 200 miles away and it's straightforward.

You're needy and resentful.

lifeintheslowlanesuits · 23/12/2025 02:15

3 months after the wedding and not receiving a thank-you card or at least hearing from your friend, especially after you reminded her that you’re still here when inviting her to your October birthday, is rude of her.

Now that you’ve realised that she doesn’t really value your friendship as much as you thought she did, you’re remembering all the other times she’s disappointed you.

I would let this go, and don’t waste anymore time waiting for her to contact you.

She’ll probably next call when she needs a shoulder to cry on.

greenbuckets · 23/12/2025 02:15

I think not saying thank you for gifts is out of order, but some people just don't get round to it. I wouldn't drop her as such, but wouldn't expect too much from her as a friend - she doesn't sound like someone you're very close to, but you might still enjoy her company at points in the future.

PenguinTattoo · 23/12/2025 02:23

I think you might be overinvested in an old work friend as you refer to her. Do you consider her a close friend (regardless of where the friendship started) or is the old workplace structure part of why you are upset? Because this sounds like you were expecting a level of respect that you are not receiving. They didn't respect the effort you made..... Do you actually want a friend (with foibles and all), or do you want this person to finally respect you?

Personally, I think they have behaved ok, not great, but ok. If you want more, which is fine, btw, find a different friend or let this one go!

And I anticipate that if you reply, you might tell me you have lots of friends, most of which behave better. Or at least in a way you tolerate. All of which I 100% believe, because you sound smart and honourable, but this issue is clearly hitting a sore point ....why?

I also struggle with being underappreciated or unacknowledged. But I am old and ugly enough to realise that's a me problem.....not the recipient of my "gift", be that time, money or effort.

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2025 02:26

I think that you are a filler friend, as you said. So pick and choose what invites you want to accept and adjust your expectations. Would she have liked an afternoon tea? It was a lot of money to spend, she should have thanked your generosity, at least.

winter8090 · 23/12/2025 02:28

It is rude but I wouldn’t drop a friend over it.

Original poster
ARunByFruiting · 23/12/2025 02:31

HeadyLamarr · 23/12/2025 02:09

She assumed you aren't incompetent. London transport isn't hard, for heaven's sake - I live 200 miles away and it's straightforward.

You're needy and resentful.

Show quote history

Not really. I travelled 2 hours, my town is nothing like is nothing like London. I was told her friend was traveling my way to my sisters so I thought she would guide the way. Instead I was stuck in east London alone, first time, tubes were not working I recall hence why bil guided me correctly to st pancreas. I'd no idea where I was going , just followed guidance and instinct. Friend never contacted once to make sure I got there safely

OP posts:
Elopeme · 23/12/2025 02:31

Up to you if you drop her as a friend but I also would’ve expected a thank you message too - text would’ve sufficed.