Would you drop this friend

[ARunByFruiting]

Old work colleague but we've kept in touch. Went to her wedding evening do back in September, I got them a lovely afternoon tea with voucher with champagne that cost circa £100 which is alot for me as I'm not that well off. Put the envelope on the gift table at the reception.
After the reception I hadn't heard anything for over a week so messaged "lovely reception, hope you enjoy the afternoon tea". The reply i got was "Yeah we are looking forward to it, we will have to get your address to send a thank you card". Not heard a word since.
I know people are busy, I know especially after a wedding (to be fair theirs was very casual) that people have stuff to do. But not even a text to say thanks, I had to message them and then nothing since. Is this rude?

I wouldn't have texted after a week, I would have let them enjoy their newly married love bubble for longer. It feels pushy to me. But seeing as you did it. Why didn't you just respond with? 'That would be lovely - my address is X'? Would have been the obvious time to share it then? Plus the tone of her text was thankful, even if she didn't explicitly say those exact words.

The last wedding I went to, I got a card thanking me six months later because life is busy for some people - it didn't put my nose out of joint at all. I'm not sure why you mentioned the amount, if you can't comfortably afford it then choose something cheaper to gift. People's gratitude isn't on a variance scale according to how much you spend after all...

Also not sure about the evening in London anecdote - sometimes plans change and East London to St Pancras is a well-worn route for many commuters. It's easy, not complicated and there are plenty of trains. It would have been nice to receive a text to check you were back safely, but maybe they just considered you perfectly competent to make the journey and it's not something they ordinarily do with other adult friends.

This all seems to boil down to the fact that you feel you do more/you communicate more (and better) with her than she does with you. If you feel the friendship is unbalanced then maybe it is better to end it - but do so with grace, this idea of 'dropping' someone sounds brutal and punishing.

I think she isnt responsible for seeing you home safely. You had a plan, and the person you planned with changed their mind. Which a. Theyre entitled to and b. Grown up you should be able to navigate a change of plans. Would it have been considerate to text and check? Sure. But considering it was her bday night out she was likely drunk herself. And some people may have found it patronising to assume you would struggle with a tube route.

Youre entitled to end any friendships you like, for any reason or none

But in 6 years she forgot one thank you card (that she had asked for an address for and you didnt reply with it) and didnt check you got home from a night out 6 years ago. I wouldnt have a. Held onto the night out thing from 6 years ago or b. Consider it friendship ending worthy.

If it bothered me, id certainly tell her and talk about how I felt.

But imo if you haven't raised it with her to try and sort it i dont think those things are reasons to end a friendship.. although if you dont want to be her friend you dont need a reason

No I'm less well off than them, I just thought it looked like a nice gift and they have a choice of cities they can use it. In the past I've put £25 in a card and felt bad because I always wonder if it looks tight so I wanted to get something a bit nicer.

"Promised" 💀

There's other stuff too, they were just examples. Im going through my life at the moment and as I had a really shit birthday where only 2 people wished me happy birthday I'm contemplating who I want to go into 2026 with. No big announcements just quietly drift. I already cut of my best friend this year so it's been shite.

Did she say thank you on the day when you handed it over?

Because if its a 20 guest wedding and v casual. Maybe it was so casual she decided not to send thank you cards.

And when you fished for a thank you she did say she was really looking forward to it. Shes not ungrateful. And she said shed need your address which you forgot to send.

However she did in fact not say thank you in writing. And I dont think its terrible if you would prefer she had. So talk to her? Tell her that? If shes this great friend you bought an expensive gift for?

It might be rude to not say thank you in writing. But its unkind to end a friendship instead of talking to the friend because one time they we rude (and 6 years ago, they didnt pause their birthday party to check you go a tube home)

But honestly you owe noone your friendship so feel free to "drop" her if you want to, you dont need approval.

No the gifts were put on a table so no in person thank you.

You sound quite rigid OP. People have different communication preferences and it sounds like you prefer texts when she was hoping to send you a thank you card. Its ok to have a preference but it's better to be flexible with others rather than expecting them to conform to your way of communicating.

You should have just given her your address for a card.

It’s a lovely present. When is the voucher valid until?

Because isn’t it possible that she just hasn’t used it yet because it’s ‘only’ been 3 months since the wedding, and was going to say thank you and how lovely it was after she’d actually had it?

Ok. I agree she was rude. If thats a deal breaker drop her.

But sacking off a friend of 6+ years without warning is to me disproportionate. So is it really about a thank you text? And maybe a tube ride 6 years ago? Because if it is - and youd rather drop her than tell her shes made you feel unappreciated and fix it. Well imo shes been rude but youre being cold and unkind.

It is valid for a year

I already cut of my best friend this year so it's been shite.

Are you getting a little trigger happy, shedding friends like this? Don't you think it might be your inflexibility that's causing you problems?

Only two people wished you happy birthday? Then how do these two bits make sense?

"For my big birthday I recieved some lovely gifts, I messaged everyone to say thank you straight away because I never expect gifts and they were lovely."

"After my birthday I managed to send thank you texts and I have young dc and a full time job."

So two texts?! In all honesty I think I get where you are at - big birthdays totally make you assess where you are in life, what matters and what doesn't. Is that what is happening here?

I have a whole heap of friends - four who are massively close and I would do anything for - others who kind of float around and are connected to my hobbies, or are from my previous jobs, or who I tend to connect with at certain points in the year. We float away and come back - there's never any hard feelings, it's just the ebb and flow of life. If she's a floating friend then I really wouldn't 'drop' her (as per your title), I would just accept that the tide is going out now and if it comes back in then that's great, if not then that's fine too. You don't need to overthink it or be so rigid in what a friend should/shouldn't do. Friendships come in all shapes and sizes.

I'm going to a wedding in October of a friend I haven't seen for the best part of a decade! In that time I have lived abroad, she's got divorced, met someone new, I still live in a different country to her. Can't wait to see her and so lovely that she has invited me to be part of her celebrations.

It's other stuff too, she can be quite judgemental and vocal about my choices with my dc which don't affect her in any way. I don't want to be cold but this year has taught me alot and holding on to people for the sake of it seems pointless to me now.

People that give gifts in return for thank yous are the worst.

You want some glory out of it, that’s not what gifts are for.

I had a 130 people at my wedding, did I write than all handwritten thank you cards? God no! I went on honeymoon, that went back to work full time.

I would assume my friends and family know I love them and I’m thankful for them coming that’s why I invited them! AND treated them to a canapés and drinks reception and a 3 course meal and an evening disco and more food and free drinks all night.

it’s not about you, it’s about them.

So again imo.. sometimes people pick bad friends and tolerate unacceptable treatment. Then when they stand up for themselves they react overly harshly with other connections.

I dunno what this best friend did, but for whatever reason you ended your friendship. And its made you think youve been too soft and let too much slide so are now racing the other way. Maybe this best friend needed dropping sooner.. that doesnt mean anyone whos ever offended you or taken you for granted needs dropping too. And you may be responding to these 2 events with this current friend disproportionately.

Honestly drop them all if you like but I doubt youd feel better. My advice would be tell this current friend shes hurt your feelings and why.

Couple of instances years a part you haven't raised with her dont make her an awful friend.

Duplicate post

I was referring to my 40th birthday a few years ago with the presents, my birthday this year only had 2 birthday wishes.

Was one of them from the friend in this post?

No, my best friend did something very horrible.

Well, then, surely it’s time to ask yourself why you continue friendships with people you don’t like and who don’t appear to treat you particularly well, and/or why you don’t communicate clearly with them about hurts they’ve caused you, just seethe inwardly, post on the internet and drop them?

Is that because you hold grudges and cut people off for inconsequential things like this?

W in your 40’s, OP. This is teenage behaviour. The fact that so many people think YABU ought to tell you something. Perhaps what you ought to be reassessing for the new year is your attitude and how you approach friendships.

No

No i make lots of effort with people. I think it's because I had a breakdown in October so haven't been in touch with people so I guess they just forgot. Or it could be i stopped using Facebook which reminds people of your birthday?

Dare I ask what?

I think this is the point tho. Best friend was awful. This ones been a bit inconsiderate at best. Its not the same. Id talk to your friend about feeling taken for granted and if she doesnt care maybe then end the friendship.

But I wouldnt just drop her if youre reeling for a recent hurt