Would you drop this friend

[ARunByFruiting]

Old work colleague but we've kept in touch. Went to her wedding evening do back in September, I got them a lovely afternoon tea with voucher with champagne that cost circa £100 which is alot for me as I'm not that well off. Put the envelope on the gift table at the reception.
After the reception I hadn't heard anything for over a week so messaged "lovely reception, hope you enjoy the afternoon tea". The reply i got was "Yeah we are looking forward to it, we will have to get your address to send a thank you card". Not heard a word since.
I know people are busy, I know especially after a wedding (to be fair theirs was very casual) that people have stuff to do. But not even a text to say thanks, I had to message them and then nothing since. Is this rude?

I have noticed the last few years that people sending thank you cards after a wedding seems to have gone out of fashion for a lot of people

If some people think this friends behaviour is ok they must be very rude and inconsiderate. A thank you card or at least a text is so low effort and easy to do. I wouldn’t dream of not saying thank you. Being busy isn’t an excuse. I’m busy but not rude.

I agree this appears to be normal IME. Both DS and DD got married this year. After the wedding they had to wait for wedding pictures and then replicated one or more of the pictures on their thank you cards which had to be ordered and printed then hand written with personalised messages and posted. DD and husband finished theirs in November for their September wedding.

English wedding, I assumed it was the norm now for that type of thing, based on what they and their friends did.

I know some people do photo cards which I wouldn't expect to be ready after a week. A month would be more likely.

Obviously cards only work when you give them the bloody address.

You should have given them your address and waited to see if they sent you a thank you card.

why did you go breaking your bank with £100 gift you couldn't afford. That's not their fault, you chose to do that. They were only a former colleague. I would have given them a £50 John Lewis voucher which would have been fine for that type of relationship

I do agree that not saying thank you for a present is really rude though. I have reconciled it myself over the years. One particular friend, I could send them £1000 gift voucher and they'd never say thanks. It's something about upbringing I think. So I just let it go.

My thank you cards had a wedding photo on the cover, so we had to wait for the photographer to send them and to get them back from the printers. Definitely didn’t happen inside of a week and I think the done thing is within a month. It was a bit rude to send nothing in the end but did you give her your address? I don’t see the link with having to get trains from London to St Albans, why did you need help from your brother?

Shes rude and ill mannered…as many are these days. I wouldn’t dump her as a friend for this but i most certainly wouldn’t be making any effort for future occasions.

You can’t work out how to get the tube to St Pancras and need someone to accompany you? Even if you’re not from London (nor am I) that is pretty pathetic from a grown adult.

Listen OP, her manners aren't quite to the standard of yours.

Does that really matter though? I mean if that's the most important thing then yes drop the friendship - you don't need anyone else's permission to do this..

But where I object is that you are making assumptions based on her actions that are likely not true.

Ok so it was her birthday and she didn't pay a lot of attention to you getting there safely. She may have been stressed getting the party organised. I was on my last one, everything was going wrong. I didn't have bandwidth for checking up on people individually. They all managed to get there.

The wedding present - just because you would have sent thank you cards doesn't mean that she's great at that sort of thing. She did acknowledge your generous gift and hopefully when they go they will send you a photo and thank you properly. That's what I would do and that's what I've received from people too.

This doesn't mean you're the filler friend. Or maybe you are but not in a nasty way. Perhaps she has a big circle and you're not part of the inner circle. That can feel hurtful but it doesn't mean ill intent. It's just different sorts of people. Perhaps she has a different attitude to friends - my partner definitely does. He's not a bad person, he likes his friends but he doesn't get very attached, he's more family oriented.

My final point. From your posts, you are coming across like someone who wants to be right on this matter, to prove she's a bad person / friend and you're good. You're looking to be offended. It's really tiring to be on the receiving end of that. Don't be surprised if she steps away from you rather than the other way around.

Really ! I know the addresses of all my friends.

Chasing a new bride and mother of three after only a week is crazy. She certainly had her hands full. You don't give a gift to be thanked, you give a gift because you want to give something lovely and see her happy.
And your comment about having to get a train on your own, well, you're a grown up. It really shouldn't be an issue.
It sounds like you expect more from this friendship than she has to give, so probably better for everyone if you let it drift.

I don't get the train thing at all. Unless the adult was vulnerable in some way I'd expect them to be able to manage a train journey by themselves.

You're making it sound as though the journey across London to St Albans is some kind of a world trek. It's a daily commuting route.
Surely you can read a tube map at 40 years old. Getting to St Pancras is hardly difficult and pretty much every train (apart from the Eurostar) goes to St Albans.

Or if it’s really that difficult to navigate jumping on a tube then most adults would think ‘sod this Ill get a cab’

Its hardly race across the world it’s a journey 1000’s do daily

Sorry I've just reread this and realised this was on your way HOME? So her party was still going on? Honestly you need to give yourself a shake and stop being so demanding.

I’m laughing a bit at ‘followed guidance and instinct’. As if getting to St Albans involved navigating by the stars and crossing fierce rivers.

sorry OP, I’m sure it was a bit scary if you hadn’t prepared any back up plan at all if someone wasn’t with you. I wouldn’t have loved it in a strange city, but that’s what mobiles and uber are for.

Her dc are all mid to late teens so she doesn't have little kids running around and the wedding was very casual so no tying things up afterwards.

The tubes, well it was half 11 at night, i'd been drinking and navigating getting across London on your own in a strange city that time of night can be quite scary, especially when some lines were shut. They all decided to go on to somewhere else but I left because I didn't want to be trying to get back in the middle of the night. If it were the daytime I might have felt differently.

I'm guessing from the thread iabu so I'll leave it there.

I think as usual OP it comes down to just trying to match other people's energy and have realistic expectations. Just because you invest a lot in a relationship or give an expensive gift it doesn't mean that others will reciprocate.

I'm with you op and wouldn't bother with her anymore.
Even i can send a text in 2 minutes.
We went to dhs nieces wedding and got a small card a week later thanking us for the gift and our attendance. They were obviously pre printed and weren't personalised but they were thoughtful and sent immediately.
It's sad really that manners aren't valued any more and people don't see why they should bother.

I wouldn't have chased her after a week to be honest.

She obviously has a busy home life and maybe figured the acknowledgement / text would suffice as a thank you (even if she didn't use those words!).

After a week I just text to say I enjoyed the do and hope they enjoy the afternoon tea. She just replied oh yeah we are looking forward to it, I'll have to get your address to send a card. I didn't expect a card, just a text would have been fine. Not heard from her since except to say they were busy when I invited them to a party.

Folks seem to be trying themselves into a pretzel to make this all your fault (a charming MN trait!) - quite simply, it is rude to not acknowledge and thank you for a gift or to change plans in the last minute which would have an impact on you (without acknowledging and checking with in with you). She seems self-absorbed and rude. No need to drop her as a friend but I would scale down the effort I make for this friend, and definitely no more gifts.

But she did thank OP for the gift.

I’m not sure what you are expecting people to say? She’s clearly not up to your standard of friend behaviour so why are you asking a bunch of strangers if you should drop her?

you are a grown woman capable of making your own decisions. She’s a peripheral friend at best so just stop making an effort and I’m sure she’d not bother back so there’s really no issue.

perhaps she feels the same about you

Only after OP wrote to her and only saying she looked forward to the tea, not thanking OP for it. Assuming they've actually had the tea sometime in the last four months, again, rude to not write in after saying she enjoyed it. This isn't just about social graces, it is just entitled behaviour, and not suitably appreciative of the effort/money spent by OP. Even if it wasn't a gift she particularly enjoyed or liked. In any case, this isn't the way I would behave with a friend who'd come to my wedding and given me a generous gift.

OP she's waiting for you to send her your address. Maybe she's someone who has beautiful thank you cards that she's been looking forward to send to her guests.