DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

She is being very unfair to decide not to come last minute. But despite her being selfish you may need to tread carefully if you want to maintain a relationship with her. Will she visit you another time?

Are her thoughts rational? Is she expected to perform/babysit/be something she isn't when you all get together?

She obviously doesn't want to be with you all, would you rather she came under duress and brought a miserable mood? I understand you're upset, I would be, but I can't help think there must be strong reasons why she doesn't want to come

God forbid an adult should have a different view of Christmas than you do…

Yes very rude of her. I'd be bitterly disappointed and would tell her as much.

She hasn’t visited home in almost 2 years now, we have visited her in London 3 times a year both this year and last, taking on all the costs of travel and hotels.

She is expected to interact with her nieces/nephews and cousins children but not to babysit or perform.

Sounds like she finds being around all of the children tedious/stressful. Perhaps she was going to come to you but couldn't face it. It is a bit much when you;re not as invested as, say, a young child or the parents of children.

I think it's unreasonable of her to cancel at the last minute, but you should cut her some slack. You can say you're disappointed/will miss her and hope to see her after the festivities die down.

Cancelling at the last minute is rude. Is she expected to “perform” the role of doting aunt / babysitter? Her own siblings kids I would expect her to be interested in not necessarily her cousins kids.

As a pp said tread carefully - keep it breezy “sorry you’re not going to be here, was looking forward to seeing you both. Hope you have a lovely time with your friends. Will give you a call on the day.”

That's you. She isn't interested/has other things to do. She may change but not for the moment.

It sounds like she doesn’t like the pressure of big family gatherings, that she feels she should say yes so does, but the reality as it gets closer is too much. Some people just don’t enjoy it. It sounds like you have expectations of her which she doesn’t want.

I’d invite her and her boyfriend for a day/ weekend at a less busy time of year.

Honestly, at 26, I would have hated a full on Xmas with my cousins kids.

She’s welcome to any view but cancelling a couple of days before a big event that you know people have been planning for and where parts of that planning will be specifically for you is rude.

If she has children of her own/settles down/gets married/her siblings start having children I expect she will feel differently. This is just a phase IMO.

She sounds like a brat! Give her prese to to charity.

Not coming if she doesn’t want to is a bit selfish but fine. Cancelling the day of, after arrangements have been made (again) is incredibly selfish and entitled.
It’s probably rather tricky as you don’t want to alienate her, it sounds like despite her selfishness you still want a relationship. If it were me, if she says she will come next year just don’t but anything in for her, don’t set up beds etc until she’s actually there. Maybe she’ll grow up and stop being so entitled one day….

Do her siblings keep in touch with her? Do you invite her to come home for a quieter visit during the year or go and visit her? I don’t see why she should be expected to want to meet her cousins’ children. Maybe she isn’t as close with her siblings as you think?
It was rude of her not to tell you earlier but I don’t think she ever intended coming home for Christmas. Not everyone likes a big family party. DH would be happy if we ignored Christmas all together!

Same.

This makes me think there are bigger issues in your family. I’d concentrate on trying to sort those, not add pressure at Xmas and being disappointed.

Think there is more to this. Are you sure she doesn’t want kids? Is there a possibility she is struggling with infertility and finds being around kids hard? My ds avoided all family gatherings for this reason.
She is wrong to leave it so last minute. It’s very rude.

I will be furious if my young adult children behaved like this. Forget the family relationships even, it is just a rude thing to do to anyone. Awful to cancel anything that someone has prepped for, at such short notice without a decent excuse.

Has she always been selfish? What are her sibling relationships like?

She sounds selfish and doesn't give a shit about you. I wouldn't bother in the future. No invites or gifts etc. If she wants to make an effort she will. If not it's her loss.

I think I can understand her perspective to a point. She shouldn’t have agreed to come then changed her mind so last minute, that part isn’t on. I can totally understand her not wanting to spend Christmas surrounded by young children though when she’s so young, childless and it sounds like she isn’t super maternal. Childless young people often struggle to be around small kids in particular- they’re often loud and can be screechy and wild, it isn’t fun to be around for many.

She is being quite petulant and immature. Is she quite young for her age? She may grow out of it. I'd leave it tbh and just wait for her to grow up.

I know some people hate being around kids and it's completely up to them to decide if they want to make the effort to build relationships with children in their family. But letting you down last minute and then ranting about kids being around is not something I'd expect from a 26 yo. She could've declined much further in advance rather than let you down so close to the day.

Bad form for her to cancel at the last minute. She obviously doesn't share your view of how Christmas is celebrated. I suppose next Christmas you know not to include her in any of your plans.

She hardly interacts with her siblings these days. She sees DS but never with his wife or children, doesn’t bother with her sisters at all. Barely replies in the family group chat. Took her 2 weeks to congratulate her sister on the birth of their last baby.

She is not unreasonable to spend it elsewhere, she is an adult. It's saying she will cone and cancelling last minute that is rude.