DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

She's feeling out of her depth and over whelmed at the thought of a big family Christmas where she is on the sidelines and can't relate to a lot of what is going on. Sounds as if she's gone into flight or fight. No one will be meaning to but she'll be feeling like the odd one out by virtue of the fact she has no kids. That's her out of half the conversations. If you have no children it can be a huge effort to interact with other people's. It doesn't come naturally to everyone. She's hurting and confused and anxious. Tell her you understand and you'll see her in the new year x

@calypsolypso do you think her partner could be controlling her?

Is she secretly desperately trying to conceive? Maybe even a recent miscarriage? I didn't tell anyone about our problems, easier to just say maybe one day, no rush or some other platitude. But did always turn up and interact with everyone else's children for years. Did have my own eventually, but I remember it was hard sometimes.

Exactly. It's the inability to just come out and say what she wants to do, (instead of kicking the can down the road and then having an anti-kid rant), which sound very childish to me. It is how I behaved in my teens when I didn't want to do something.

This obviously is based on op not being coercive or manipulative. Some people have speculated that op would have tried to talk the dd round if she'd tried to say no earlier, which would change things a lot if true.

Another reason to drop Christmas. Too many expectations and stress for one day.

the idea of the perfect christmas in your 20s can be lots of drink, food and banter. I guess her siblings and cousins got this at home before having kids, amd the christmases became child-centric. She wants a christmas that is boozy and chatty, and wont get this from her family.

I agree that she probably agreed because she knew it was important to you then got cold feet as the day got closer. Arriving today for Christmas is a LONG time at home unless she has lots of friends to catch up with. And I can see why a Christmas with friends is much more appealing in your 20s than a big family do with lots of children.

I can see why it feels rude, but I bet she'll be back for Christmas if she has children. All you can do is say that you'll miss her, hope that she has a lovely time, let's have a chat/Facetime over the holiday and see you in the NY.

Some young people seem to need to put a distance between themselves and their family in order to become fully independent. Doesn't mean that they don't care about them and love them.

Try not to keep score if what you regard as her shortcomings about her contact with family. If she's well and happy and would turn to you in a crisis, that's all good at 26 I would say.

No because if OP and the others enjoy it, they should go ahead. But her daughter can choose a different Xmas and that’s ok.

It sounds harsh but it just sounds like she'd rather spend Christmas with friends than with her family. Very rude to cancel at such short notice though. I assume she'll go to her DP's family next year? I suggest you respond in a neutral way so she doesn't cut you off completely.

A few posters saying "she's an adult, she can do what she wants", doesn't mean that the OP has to like it, and OP has every right to be hurt. Similar situation here with my DD. Your post resonates in every way OP, not just Xmas. Yes, my DD is an adult - doesn't mean I can't be hurt and upset by her decision to revoke our invite to hers Xmas day because of a fall out with her sibling.

It is rude to leave it so late to cancel, I agree.

However, at 26 it is perfectly normal to want to spend Christmas either as just the two of them, or with their friends. Why would they want to see a bunch of relatives, including children, who they hardly know?
Plus, if they're busy at work, they just want to relax at home for a few days. We stopped travelling to see family at Christmas for that reason from our own mid-20s.

Just throwing this out there OP but could she be in a controlling relationship and she’s making excuses because he refuses to come?

I think it’s fair enough.

I’m her age and love my nieces and nephews. But being around all of them can be a lot!

If there has been no falling out why wouldn’t you expect her to make a tiny effort to see her siblings. She can be busy and still manage 1 visit a year or a text message to congratulate on a new baby.
The bar you’re setting is so incredibly low. Do you have kids? Can you honestly say you’ll be fine with them making absolutely no effort at all to see you when they’re adults? They might be busy after all.

Exactly - let's be real, the vast majority of 26 year olds don't want to spend Christmas day playing with a bunch of over-excited, whinging and crying toddlers.

I really don’t believe this is a case of infertility/ttc issues. She isn’t the type who would rush into children anyway and hasn’t been with her boyfriend for that long. She has also been uninterested in children since she was young, before infertility would have been on her radar. I know she is on the pill as she took it at lunch the last time we visited her.
I also don’t think her partner is controlling as her disinterest predates him.

I think what she did was fine but how she went about it is shit - most people her age know that changing the number of guests last minute can be tricky for the host.

Are you going to say anything about giving you more notice next time OP?

I wonder if she may regret her actions one day if she does want kids in the future and by then none of her siblings have any sort of relationship with her

Cancelling at the last minute is bad, but from your post it sounds as though you place huge expectations on her and want to control what she does and who she sees. I don't blame her for preferring to spend the time with her friends. She's not just your daughter, she's a person with her own life.

She sounds incredibly rude and selfish.
No doubt when family start treating her 'possible ' children similarly, everyone will hear how her uncaring her family is/no-one takes an interest in her children, yada yada yah...

Very rude to cancel at the last minute, whether for Christmas/a wedding/big family event is so disrespectful imho. She knows you will have got all the food in etc and just to say ‘sorry cba’ (essentially) - is crap.
Illness or unforeseen circumstances obvious us very different? But that’s not the case here.

How is she if you know with other arranged parties? Or big group gatherings.

I can love the idea and then agree and then I dread it, I still attend but the week leading up to it I might as well be in death row dreading it.

Do hers siblings make any effort to visit her, or is it only the childfree family member who's expected to do all the work?

It’s very hard to accept that adult children don’t enjoy the company of their parents, siblings and wider families. It feels like a rejection (because it is).
But spending time with people you haven’t seen in a long time can feel overwhelming. I think it’s a good sign that she originally said she would come. It suggests that she wants to want to. But now that it’s about to happen, it’s not appealing. It is arguably rude and selfish but it’s just as likely to be more complicated than that.

Another vote for a back story. You just never know what someone has been through or is going through. Or what they think they can face and when it comes to it....they can't. Or what seemingly innocent thing is a massive trigger for them and can send them spiralling for weeks. That most people know nothing about.

And maybe she is just being inconsiderate and rude, you just don't know.

In that case then she’s just rude. She should have been honest and not strung you along. It wouldn’t hurt her to do it at least every few years.