DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

I have children that age and would be incredibly disappointed if one of them hadn't come home in 2 years. I also can't get my head around her not seeing her new niece/nephews. I was 26 when my sister had her first baby and I was nearly as excited as she was.

Nothing you can do OP - she has remarkably little interest in her family. I would drop any expectations tbh.

She’s rude. My brother was like this, he existed in some kind of London bubble and had no consideration for his family for many years. Now he has moved out of the city and has dc, he suddenly wants my mum to —babysit— be around. My father has zero time for him following the way he treated our family for so long.

She was rude to cancel last minute. It’s a shitty thing to do.

I’d be interested to know what her feelings are around her family as she seems really detached from all of you and not just the children. I can see the lack of interest in her nieces/nephews/cousins. She doesn’t have to have a relationship with them. It would be nice but it’s her choice.

Is there really no falling out or back story?

Unfortunately it may be just a case that your DD is selfish, uncaring and does not like her family.

Sorry. You may have to accept that she is unilaterally stepping away from your family. I would just match her energy. A text on Christmas, no presents or further invitations.

WHY? why on earth would the poor girl be expected to "interact" with children?

That's enough to make most people run a mile. She has no children and you are making it all about other people's children. That's not kind. Who cares about their "cousins children"?

It's late but not exactly last minute to cancel. I wouldn't be surprised if she never intended to come, but found it easier to say "yes" to avoid non-stop argument, and left it as late as she could to say she wasn't coming.

Maybe she'll come back when you stop having unreasonable expectations.

I also don’t believe there is any anxiety at play, she’s forever out clubbing and partying, has lots of friends and a very busy social life.
From other friends who have had children move to London it seems quite common for them to stay in the young child free phase much longer than they would at home.

I am child free and very close to my neice and nephew. But even I would find your Christmas a lot. Why does she have to meet her cousins children?

i used to hate big family gatherings because people used to ask me about having children all the bloody time. It was infuriating and awkward.

you are very focused on the babies and children I. Your family. One of the first things you told is about your daughter was she doesn’t have children.

Yes it was rude of her to cancel at the last minute - but the pressure you place on her sounds crushing.

I think this is your reason. She has moved away and on in her life. The rest of her family have stayed local and continue in the way you always have / will. I was the child who moved away for uni / work and stayed away in London. My siblings went to uni but moved back home into the comfortable existence they knew. At 26 when you are childless London with friends is so much more appealing and you can do “adult things” lazy brunches with friends / late night dinner with plenty of wine / late night at the local pub etc. all easy to organise, easy transport and fluid arrangements which are easily changed. I didn’t go home for family Christmas’ for years because we just didn’t live the same lives / have the same interests.

If the family traditions are set in stone Christmas Day at yours / Boxing Day at in laws with cousins / kids and conversations likely to be completely different topics / stilted as how interested will cousins be about nights out in London / pressured days in the office when they will be talking about kids etc. sadly it would be difficult to sit through this when used to being with friends and living the life of adults in the city.

Your DD was wrong to accept the invite and should have been more honest about it not being her thing but the reality is that she is in a different phase in her life from you and family. In time she may realign - possibly if she has children - but it may be that she has found a new life which works differently to the one you and your family have closer to home.

This screams to me 'circumstances she hasn't told you about'. Contraception fails - an unplanned and unexpected pregnancy followed by a loss as you are dealing with your emotions could feasibly be one scenario.

Or maybe she didn't want to come but felt obligated and having really thought about how many people are coming and the expectations of making it special for the kids just can't face it.

Maybe she has something happening with her mental health that she doesn't want to share with you.

There are so many possibilities, and I know you are disappointed, but if this is unusual behaviour (i.e. the cancelling last minute) I would be would be worried rather than angry. Why not message and ask if she fancies coming for a visit in the new year when its quieter as you would like to see her?

This is the kind of thing my sister would do. She’s now 20 yrs older than your DD and still at it.. I’d be frank with her now rather than tiptoeing around it. Say look I got you a stocking and bought things I know you like- I feel very disappointed.
Don't worry too much long term. She just sounds selfish and she’ll need you soon enough when it’s her turn for kids… 😆

OP, she's only 26. It's totally, totally normal for 26 year olds to be more interested in friends and socialising than babies and changing nappies.

That's very sad. It sounds as though she doesn't want to.he particularly close to her siblings or nieces and nephews. Has she always been like this? How did they get on growing up?

I do have children, 26, 22 and 17. They all get on well and the one who doesn’t live with us has chosen to spend Xmas with us every year but one. However, I don’t put pressure on them and let them have their own relationships with each other. I don’t comment on whether I think they see each other enough. I definitely wouldn’t judge them for not seeing their cousins children. They are their own people and although we are close, it’s important to accept they have their own lives and that they may make different choices to us.

To not congratulate a sister on having a child for 2 weeks says that there are big problems in this family, which OP is either not aware of, is in denial about or just doesn’t want to admit here.

Yeah she’s rude to cancel at the last minute. What can you do about it though - she doesn’t sound like someone you can reason with?

It sounds like she's living quite a different life from the rest of the family, what with going to uni, moving away, not wanting kids (not now, maybe never). Maybe she feels a bit of a black sheep for not being like everyone else? She's at a completely different life stage. Are you proud of her and have you said so?

I don't have kids that age yet but I'd be fuming.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect 26 year old to be around small children. I found them absolutely unbearable when I was in my 20s and was 100% positive I'd never have them. But I did show up to family events and politely coo at a baby when required because at that age I knew my family members were proud and happy to be parents and appreciated it. One day of that, rest of the time out with my mates. Easy. Families require a bit of give and take and I'd be pissed off that she's got no give.

I live just outside london and my two closest friends are child free Londoners. But they both make an effort with my kids. Being in london and child free does not equal literally cannot bear to spend any time with children at all. People who feel that way exist in and outside london, probably in equal measure.

But it isn't really the point. The issue is that she either felt she had to say yes and didn't mean it or is just really flakey and inconsiderate. Going off on a rant about it as if YOU are the one who has wronged HER really takes the cake. Unless she felt a little coerced into agreeing in the first place...? Is that a possibility?

I think on her part choosing to stay Mon to Sat was probably a bit ambitious to start with!
2-3 nights is probably more realistic especially if she isbt used to be9ng around you all and/or been back to the family home for 3 years

She sounds like she is not being deliberately selfish, but at a stage in her life where she is very self centred, and has been thoughtless.
If she has gone through childhood with you making everything you do and the effort you put in to things seem like a breeze, then I can understand her thinking 'its just 2 less people staying, what's the big deal'.
I can look back and I was very self centred for a few years, but probably at a younger age, maybe 17- 22??

She might come round in the next few years to want to spend more time with her siblings, or she might just keep carving out her own path.

Blimey, if she has to face that attitude from her own mother, and a ridiculous fuss about other people's children, can't blame her for staying well away.

She's 26! She went to uni, so she can't have been living a young professional life for very long! She's way too young to have kids and put her life on hold for her kids.

You should be proud of her and support her instead of being so obviously judgmental.

Of course they do! They're pursuing their careers and professions, and making the most of having a fantastic life in the city.... who wouldn't, if they had the chance?

she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin.

That sounds a very valid reason. And you then came back at her I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year

That's pretty tone deaf. She's saying she feels you pressurise her to be a fun and involved aunt/cousin and your response is immediately about them.

What about "I'd love to see you for Christmas - you're important to me"?

And that’s her prerogative. Being related to people doesn’t guarantee that you’ll like them and clearly she doesn’t particularly like or care for her immediate family. She should never have said yes to the plans, rather than cancelling last minute, but ultimately good for her for being true to herself. More people should try it! I don’t buy the fertility issues theory either. Some people just don’t like kids. I’m 10 years older than your daughter and feel exactly the same way she does.

You’re not being unreasonable about her cancelling last minute. It’s hurtful and rude to let you all down like that. She may not enjoy children but she shouldn’t be rejecting her family.

Having said that, she shouldn’t be pressured to interact with small children. Other people’s children are tedious, draining and irritating and many people don’t enjoy being around them. Perhaps this has come out as a rant and letting you down last minute because she doesn’t feel you will understand.

depends on your family.

If you are met with constant comments, criticism, negative judgment because you have no children, for living stay in the young child free longer that you should! and are only 26, it's healthier to stay well away from people who are so negative towards you.

When I was her age and living on my own in London I was a terrible daughter, I didnt call, didn't write 😀 but I was the eldest so no niblings to miss out on. As and when she has children herself she will probably come back into the fold as she will appreciate how important family is. She is being selfish and rude. But you probably have to let it go for now and await her growing up a bit.