DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Well OP could have told her that the spare room she had been promised back in October had been given to much more important son who decided last minute that he didn't want to travel for 20 minutes and obviously takes priority

I have been thinking about what this situation reminded me of and it’s come to me now at bedtime!

It’s the bit in one of the Robert Galbraith Strike books when Robin goes back to Masham for Christmas and her siblings all have kids and her mum slags off her job and Strike.

At least Robin got to sleep in her childhood bedroom though…

My brother had kids first - we all bought presents but got no thanks and when we all had kids, he bought nothing! Not that the gifts matter but the first born gets everything.

She lives six hours away. How can she possibly maintain any kid of meaningful relationship with eight nieces and nephews? It'd be hard if you lived fairly locally to give enough time to each of them without family being your entire life and never doing anything but seeing family.

Realistically at 26 seeing parents a few times a year and maybe making an effort with a sibling occasionally when you live 6 houses away is where reasonable and workable lives. Keeping in touch with four siblings alone is a lot tbh. Otherwise she'd have to go home or have visitors at least once a month.

This isn't not caring. This is simply living in a disconnected world from family and having a life elsewhere. It's just not feasible to do a lot more.

And in this case, she isn't going to know the kids to know what to buy them. It really is at the point of buying presents for the sake of it, rather than being it's meaningful.

Poor woman probably feels suffocated by all this family pressure. She has moved away and is living her own life. Yes cancelling last minute is a dick move but I’m betting she has been building up to telling you! Let her live her life.

15 children in a 3 bed house, that is a lot. I have children but I couldn't face 15 in one house, with all their accompanying adults. I think if you want her to come just get her to book a hotel first off (so she can escape the chaos), or maybe ask if she'd like to come when less family was about and she could have a proper bedroom (again somewhere to escape to). She sounds like she's close to her brother but not the sisters who have very different lives, and interests, and are much older. I think you have to accept that she's not going to be attending your Christmas day party for the time being. I agree it was rude to accept the invitation and then change her mind last minute but she may have fully intended on coming but couldn't face it last minute.

The problem with this is that she would then be being demanding, not considerate etc. It would be something else for the family at home to pick holes in.

100% agree - you have it in a nutshell.

So the family living 20 minutes away were taking up two bedrooms and the daughter you rarely see who was planning to travel 5 hours had a fold out bed in the dining room?!

Yeah. I'm with your DD on this one.
Not nice at all.

Do you and your ds not see this as pretty rubbish?!

Daughter doesn’t go back at all to see family. The only few times they see her each year is when parents travel to her.

Is that fair, do you feel?

And she couldn’t post on the family group every few weeks? Ask to see photos of the kids, (insincerely) coo over how much they’ve grown and how funny they are? Post birthday cards?

Or… attend the Christmas she already agreed to? Even if she cut it short and only stayed two nights?

Why is everyone falling over themselves to make excuses for this rudeness? Classic AIBU - must find a way to make this OPs fault.

I think it's the final straw

The DD had broached accommodation with OP back in October - even offering to book a hotel so it was clearly an issue. Then suddenly the DS decides to stay and DD and partner are relegated to the pull out in the dining room.

Same here.

I remember buying expensive clothes and gifts for my first two nephews. I stopped buying anything for them when their parents went on to have more kids. Haven't seen any of them in fifteen years or so......
When I had kids, DC1 got some hand me downs and I dont' think DC2 was even acknowledged.

@lunde Yeah, perhaps it’s a case of two wrongs don’t make a right. I also shudder to think of a camp bed in the living room for five nights!

Yes, you could be right there but we dont really know how the DD feels.

The comments on this thread are absolutely batshit. You haven't favoured any child over another. You haven't put her down or diminished her accomplishments.

I still think they’re reform voters

Don't expect an answer from the OP. She is being very selective when answering questions that might put her in a bad light.

I don’t know why some posters are fixating on the sleeping arrangements, it doesn’t sound like that is the issue for your DD. At 26 I’d have happily slept anywhere and she’s sent a ranty text outlining her issues, if the sleeping arrangements were an issue it sounds like she would have no qualms about saying so.

It is poor form for your DD to have pulled out so last minute, but it sounds like she agreed to Christmas at your house without really thinking it through and now it’s getting closer she’s realising it’s really not the kind of Christmas she wants. 15 children are a lot to host over the course of the day even if they won’t all be there the whole time! I love kids but to be honest I would find that exhausting, it’s also a lot of pressure if she’s expected to buy gifts for her 8 nieces and nephews who she hasn’t seen for over 2 years and doesn’t have a relationship with. I

t sounds like as the day has gotten closer she’s realised the day is going to be centred around the kids, that there will be comments about her not having bought them gifts and that she will be expected to be more interested in them than she is. Maybe the thought of that is just too much, if she hasn’t seen some of her siblings in 2 years then Christmas is a high pressure environment to have to be around them again. It sounds like she is very different to your other kids and the only one without her own children, she probably feels like an outsider at times and like this will just be amplified over Christmas. I can see why she would chicken out and choose to stay in London with friends where she can relax and be herself.

If you want to bring all of your children together maybe it would be better to try and find a weekend in the summer to have a family garden party or similar, without all the pressure of gifts and expectation of Christmas.

I don't know why people are being such arses to the OP - the daughter is rude and wants to spend Christmas in London with her friends. That's it.

I think you just have to accept that your DD is not interested in family, and is not bothered about being close with her siblings, I can kind of understand from that point of view that it would be stressful/overwhelming to come home and be surround by people you have nothing in common with and when you don't even like children but then have to be fake nice to them or be seen as a monster.

Maybe there is some resentment about growing up in a big family, and now that family has got quite a bit bigger, I get the appeal of checking out of it.

It is sad, and rude that she cancelled last minute but as others have said you can't police her feelings or change her attitude.

Ahhh … Christmas brings out the best and worst in families. Bring on January when all this s*^t dies down!! We can all relax and become normal again.
Listen OP it’s one day. I personally think you was wrong regarding the bedding situation. But I also think your DD was wrong not to give more notice. In January pick up the phone arrange to meet half way and talk to each other in a calm and measured manner. There might be more to this than you know. Let her be enjoy the mayhem and start 2026 with that chat to her.

So 15 children? it would be bad enough for most people to spend Christmas with their 4 sibling's children, but another 7 that belong to cousins sound like a nightmare. Add to that probably 15 adults, no wonder she doesn't want to come. Do you always host your brother and sister's families as well?

"Pumping out" is derogatory.
And God forbid that people with different lives and perspectives should be able to get on and take an interest in each other for a couple of hours. God forbid that they should be broadminded enough to tolerate/enjoy/find interesting someone who's made different choices to themselves!

Yes I do. She has four siblings and parents and she lives six hours away.

Should she spend all her leave on seeing family?

Since when is it anything to do with 'fairness' anyway.

It more about how close your relationship is. And that's it. It's ok not to live in your family's pocket.

I don't think your daughter has done much wrong at all. She's protecting herself. More power to her elbow. Next year I hope she unequivocally tells you that she's not coming for Christmas.