DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Is it more rude than OP cancelling her access to a bedroom at short notice and not actually specifically telling her?

But that’s fine - OP has 3 perfectly good rooms to host people in.

Why does it matter if he’s 20mins or 5hrs away? Either way, they want to stay and there’s room to do so. The more the merrier.

Except daughter doesn’t seem to like anyone in her family. Instead of turning down Christmas months ago, she accepted and waited until 72hrs before, once all the food and presents are bought, to then decline with no good reason.

I couldn’t agree more with you.

If you are young and dont like kids, being forced to interact with them is embarrassing, annoying and cringeworthy.

Why cant you respect your daughter?
She is an adult and she doesnt like kids. Let it go. Stop being controlling and trying to force it or you are gonna lose her forever.

I have a relative who worked for a big law firm in London

• up at 6am
• at her desk by 7.30am
• sent home by taxi at 1am ... just to start the process again a few hours later

.... burnt out by 30

Why do you say that? Her son could be a high level engineer at the power plant, is that not a career? Even a lower level engineer is still a career. You can get qualifications without going to uni. Good thing too, as only a 3rd of people actually go to uni.

That’s complete nonsense. She may not feel embarrassed at all but is overwhelmed by the thoughts of having to play doting aunt to eight nieces/nephews and the children of her cousins. Having to sleep in a fold out bed in a dining room for five nights and spend her days with siblings who she has absolutely nothing in common with. She hasn’t re-invented herself at all, she simply has gone down a different path to her siblings. Why should she have stayed in the same lane as her siblings when she clearly wanted other a different path ? You could say perhaps that it’s her parents and siblings who treat her as somehow different because she ventured outside her local area.

A PP did, she said all the other kids had jobs and not careers

Sorry OP but Christmas on a fold up bed for 5 days and loads of kids around sounds like hell to me - I'd want to stay in a hotel for some headspace. There's so many weird things going on - you don't seem to want to acknowledge her success for fear of offending the other siblings. My mum was like that - refused to show any Grad pics because her favourite son didn't get a degree - I don't think it needs to be a competition but in a way you've made it that by your insistence that a TA job is the same as a lawyer working in an American firm (notoriously demanding of time), trying to suggest her brother is on the same salary if you allow for cost of living differences - you just can't allow her to have her moment - like everyone else has with their kids, marriages and other life changing events. I think it's likely you've gone out of your way to celebrate things that others in the family have achieved that don't seem to have require as much work. I think you may have a bit of a chip on your shoulder against your dd.

Of course she was rude to cancel last minute but reading all your posts I wondered how she would feel during g the visit. It seems that you expect her to come as a duty but there is no any positives in it for her, it’s just a hassle. You are going to have very children/ family oriented Christmas which is understandable but for your DD it looks like a waste of time. She doesn’t have common topic with her siblings, they are on a very different stages of life, they have different lifestyles, habits etc
Plus 15 children !!!! Even if it’s just for 2 hours. I would rather volunteer at a building site.

I think your daughter is different and doesn’t fit at your set up. If I were you I would facilitate your relationship with her and leave her siblings and nephew and nieces out of it.

Do you understand that the son is a short car ride away yet he took two guest rooms while OP and her boyfriend got relegated to the dining room after a six hour journey?

that sends a very loud message. I would feel unwelcome if my parents did that.

@stomachamelon my sister is ten years younger than me, I ‘pumped’ early and hit every other negative class ridden connotations you have listed.
Thank goodness most people don’t think like that about their families.

I stand by you get out of relationships what you put in.

But it’s acceptable for someone who earns less to spend less?

It’s about showing the kids you care. But the daughter doesn’t care - which is evident and unkind. But yes, is ultimately her choice. Hopefully she expects her family to be just as distant and disengaged when/if she chooses to have kids.

She has been rude. But it does sound like she meant to go up to yours for Christmas but is totally exhausted from her no doubt insane work schedule, and just can't face a long journey up and back, sleeping on the floor and having her nerves torn to shreds by screaming kids. It is understandable.

This says it all
As the youngest she almost always got hand me downs, a lot of her big life events were overshadowed by an older siblings/cousins “bigger” life event. We tried to balance it but she certainly wasn’t spoiled.
She looks quite different from her siblings (although they share the same parents) she is taller, different hair and eye colour and was always told she was the pretty one by strangers. She was also the sportiest, and did the best at school so I think there is an element of her thinking she is better than the rest of the family

The hand me downs, the big life events being overshadowed. A recipe for potential issues on their own but knowing she 'looked different' would have just added to it.
The other children followed a more 'expected' path as well so even though she may have been 'driven' to stand out, it just made her even more 'different'. I doubt that its her thinking she is better than the rest of the family but more that she made a life where she does fit in and is not the 'different' one 🤷‍♀️

I think you are probably the issue. It sounds like she's never 'fit in' and you've added to that. I'm sure it's not something you've done purposefully or consciously but your own words are very telling on this thread.

No matter how successful and happy she is in her own surroundings, it sounds like 'speaking up' isn't necessarily an option when it comes to this part of her life. Perhaps she thought she could step into that environment that is totally foreign to her but found she just couldn't? Maybe the fact that her sibling who lives 20mins away being given priority was just another example of her 'place' in the family. Perhaps her friends 'get' her and accept her far more than her own family. There could be a number of reasons why she cancelled so last minute but it doesn't sound like you've looked past the 'wrong' she's done to the 'why' is it like this.

Yes, it's inconvenient and yes, it's rude on the surface but I'm sensing that your upset is more about her not playing the 'role' you want her to play 🤷‍♀️

But you don't seem bothered about taking care of your daughter "as family" - she booked to stay back in October and would have been happy to stay in a hotel at the time - but golden boy son decides at the last minute that doesn't want to travel 20 minutes and she's ousted from the spare room.

You are doing a good job of showing your daughter how low she comes on your list of priorities!

Good for her for backing out. Sounds like a chaotic household. Too many people in staying together, let alone 15 kids alone on the day! And to top it off, 8 kids to buy for. Lots of research , time and money! And why would she want to sleep in a fold up when she’s an independent grown woman with a place of her own and bed and downgraded to the dining room. I can’t see wanting to bring a partner who is an only child into this chaos.

I agree. It's rude to cancel at the last minute because she wants to spend Xmas with friends instead. That is a really poor excuse and I would have a conversation with her about that.

I would not get involved with what relationship she would or would not like to have with her adult siblings. I understand that you would want everyone to get along but clearly the bond isn't strong with most of her siblings at the moment and now they are adults this isn't your business to fix. I can totally see how at 26 with a brilliant career she feels like she has not much in common anymore with her siblings and as far as I am concerned that's ok. I think there's a good chance this will change again as she gets older but the more you push this, berate her for her interactions or lack thereof with her siblings the less likely this is to happen. If your other DCs are bothered about this they can reach out to her to have this conversation.

And absolutely 100% agree with this ^

I’m getting narcopath vibes from the OP.

When did you start pumping out your kids?
Starting a family in your twenties, at your most fertile and healthy, is an intelligent choice. As is valuing family and roots. They may not be your choices but that does not mean that they are not worthy of respect.

100% this.

Of course I understand that. I also understand that a couple in their 20s can share a pull out sofa bed. They’re not in their 70s, they’re young and should be well able to sleep on a sofa bed for a few days, knowing that means her niece/nephews can bed next to their parents and can have the fun of sleeping at grannies house with extended family.

Maybe I’m extremely fortunate to have a loving family - we genuinely enjoy each others company. Things aren’t perfect but we place the value of the family about the small annoyances that happen. But that’s being a rational grown up who can give and take. OPs daughter has clearly checked out of the family - if only she had turned down the invite originally and not messed everyone around.

There is nothing wrong with the choices made by anyone in this family. That does not change the fact that they are incredibly different choices leaving them with little in common on which to build strong relationships.

And bloody good for her to step away from this madness. Your ds who lives around the corner can’t sleep in his own house, yet your dd who must travel six hours gets a fold up.?
Im certain that her version of her life will be very different and her reasons will be very justified.