DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Rude to cancel so close to the occasion but she clearly has a different notion about family and obligations.

You do seem to ‘measure’ her involvement - ‘quiet on the family WhatsApp’ for example. Maybe she finds the whole ‘family’ thing overwhelming.

I agree with PP - be nice and breezy this time but maybe have a low key chat with her in the new year. See if there’s an issue you or the rest of the family have caused. She may just be someone who doesn’t enjoy the Big Family Get Together or there may be a bigger issue.

ETA on the basis of your last post ahead of mine… how’s the BF? You met him? Potential controlling bastard stopping her from attending?

On the face of it she is very rude, sometimes being an adult is having to do things we don’t particularly want to. Cancelling so late without a valid reason such as illness or transport problems is not acceptable.

What is her partner like, is it possible he is influencing her position. When you have visited her are you able to spend time with her on her own or is the boyfriend always there.

Spending Christmas in a busy house full of kids sounds like an absolute nightmare to me, and I have my own children. When I was a 26 year old I would have hated it, especially if the alternative would have been an adult only affair with peers. Bad form to cancel so late but sometimes we agree to things then the hard reality sets in and we realise it’s not going to work for us.

My own brother isn’t really very kid friendly and hasn’t seen my kids for years. I saw him last month, without them. I’m fine with that.

Then it's no surprise that she doesn't want to join in with a big family Christmas full of babies and toddlers. Hell, I'm 37 and I'd avoid it too.

I do agree with those saying she shouldn't have agreed to come in the first place, but are you pressuring her into joining you? Your comment about "not seeing her siblings for a year" suggests you might be.

No massive backstory as far as I know. She’s our only child to have gone to uni and moved away so doesn’t have loads in common with her siblings and cousins but no big fall outs etc.

Is the family WhatsApp and family get togethers very child focused?

It is extremely rude, she knew her siblings and various children would be there when she accepted the invitation, nothing has changed (or has it?).

I have a sister like this. She’s living with her partner who none of us have ever met and never comes home or keeps in touch. She’s never met my / her niece and she’s almost 5 now. She sometimes sends a text on birthdays / Christmas but not always. We were close as children and I find it hurtful tbh.

Could it also be the other way around, in that she feels she isn't interested in having kids? Does the family gathering mean lots of 'it's your turn next, when will we hear the patter of tiny feet' comments?

Agree it's rude of her to cancel last minute. Say that in future she should just say if she doesn't want to be there.

i’d be pissed off
I sort of see her point but she should have made this clear before saying she was coming
is there not an option perhaps to come just after Christmas and not see all the cousins etc. I find extended families hard work, then again at Christmas I suck it up!

This is terribly sad, and I assume there’s a back story? Did she fall out with her sisters? Does she dislike your DS’s wife?

Sounds as though she doesn’t like any of you!

My ds is 23, he hasn't come home in the last 5 years BUT I always know well in advance that he's spending Christmas and New Year with friends. So, she's being rude for not telling you before today, but not actually coming is a normal thing for that age group

Adults are entitled to do what they wish at Christmas (or any other time). But it’s very rude to change your mind at this stage on the day you were expected.

Not wanting to come is fair enough, but cancelling last minute is not on at all. Could there be more to this, her boyfriend putting pressure? Medical issues around children you don’t know about (saying she isn’t wanted kids could be a front because she can’t have children?)

In fairness i dont think this is a simple issue of a "view of Christmas".
To cancel at the 11 th hour saying its because she doesnt fancy a family Christmas with expectations to entertain children seems rude.
Perhaps there is more to this .
I think the OP is understandable in being disappointed and upset particularly due to the timing.
If the DD had said shed prefer a friends Christmas at home rather than a family Christmas in good time,there may have been a disappointment at missing the DD but it would possibly have gone better for everyone.

My friend had a sister like this

funnily enough, when she went on to have kids she expected the world to revolve around her and her kid!!

Obviously it's fine for adult dc to have a different view of Xmas to that of their parents. It is however, very rude to cancel at this late stage, when food etc will probably have been organised.
Not to mention the hurt the op will feel at being let down at the 11th hour by her dd

Rude to cancel so late but I wonder if she feels like the odd one out? If all the focus is on the kids maybe she doesn’t feel like she has anything in common with the others any more? How much does she get asked about her life when she is there? Or is it all kid focused? Maybe she feels like you value the siblings with kids more than her?

He’s lovely, we see her both with and without him. He’s an only child though so no big family Christmas and his parents go abroad every second year.

I think it’s rude to leave it very last minute but it sounds like there’s a lot of children about, which really isn’t for everyone. She should have told you sooner though

This.

It sounds as though there is a lot of emphasis on children and as though your daughter won't feel welcome or valued for herself but only for fulfilling a role. It sounds as though you are proud of yourself for being tolerant of her not wanting children any time soon.

I think it sounds as though Christmas with all of you was something she was going to put herself through outvof duty, and her friends have persuaded her to join them for a Christmas she'll actually enjoy.

I absolutely agree accepting then snubbing you at the last minute is very rude, but I sympathise with her because it sounds as though she's expected to pretend to be thrilled about being a bit part aunt who's rather let thecside down by not being married with children, and play along with focussing on the children above all else, which won't be enjoyable if she's not really fond of children en masse.

I'm 50, have adult children and love kids but I'm rather team daughter here!

Christmas used to be all about obligations and doing what my mother felt we should, rather than what we enjoyed, in my family growing up, and I always dreaded it too. I'm not doing thatvto my kids, but am following my in-laws far more relaxed and model without expectations placed on anyone but myself (because I choose to cook).

From what you have posted, I really don’t believe that you wouldn’t have been upset and that your judgement and disappointment wouldn’t show. Commenting on how long she hasn’t seen siblings for, how she hasn’t met cousins kids, it’s all very judgy. Shes young, let her live her life. Accept that she doesn’t enjoy the big family expectations and presuming you want a relationship with her, compromise and make a relationship with her that’s she’s happy with and stop with the judging and expectations.

She sounds uninterested in any of you to be honest. It’s extremely rude and unkind of her to cancel plans last minute. Her family is definitely not a priority in her life. I would be hurt and very sad if this was my child.

Are you sure she isn’t being prevented by her partner? Or discouraged to visit? Is it definitely a balanced and healthy partnership?

It might just be the whole family crowd is just too much - it does sound like a lot of people which is always chaos no matter how organised and friendly everyone is. Sometimes the dynamic of being ‘back at home’ can feel infantilising too.

I’m going to guess that there’s a lot more to this than she’s letting on and perhaps she’s going through something right now.