DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

hhhmn, maybe she has fertility issues. That can make things hard, especially if people keep asking you when you are going to have babies.

Playing devil’s advocate here - while it’s indeed rude to do it last minute, it reads to me like it’s something she dreads and just backs out of last minute perhaps because she just can’t face it. I’d try to get to the bottom of that more gently before I’d be annoyed.

I am the youngest of my family, and about 8 years ago I stopped going home for Christmas because I absolutely cannot handle the drama, arguments over who hosts what meal on what day, one sister being late, the other sister’s kids not eating x y or z. I love my family dearly but I have just realised that I don’t have to spend my Christmas doing things I don’t want to do. I still make a huge effort with family, and see them before Xmas or in the aftermath, but Christmas Day is low key and lovely and that is what works for me. Maybe try broaching the reasons behind why she feels the way she does.

No I’d say she is quite mature. Shes very intelligent and has a very good life in London. She just has no interest in family life especially now everyone else is married with children.

Very bad to cancel last minute.

However clearly your family is very very child focused and she’s very very not a child person.

Even with her not coming and saying she would send your gifts you still managed to make it about gifts for the nieces and nephews.

Maybe this is why she doesn’t visit full stop because it always becomes about a baby/child.

I was wondering this. Maybe deep down she's desperate for kids, and is having problems, so having happy family's shoved in her face just ends up being too much for her. Nonetheless, she should have said she wasn't coming right from the start, rather than stringing you along, and then cancelling last minute.

Is there something more behind this?

Is she the black sheep in your eyes because she hasn't produced children?

Would you have berated her if she told you in good time that she didn't want to come - guilted her, emotional blackmail etc.? So she soared herself that by being rude at the last minute?

Is you husband her dad? If not, how long have you been together and how is their relationship? My mum got with my step dad when I was a young adult and I hated going home after then because it wasn’t ‘home’. Could
or be something similar?

I would be very upset at the rudeness of supposedly arriving today day after you have made plans. She's a dick

She's absolutely within her rights not to want to spend Christmas with you all but she could have told you this months ago when Christmas was first talked about. That's what I would be annoyed about

Yes or she secretly really really wants children and can’t have them so cannot be near them.

Either way if you want your relationship to last you need to remove all child talk with her.

Fair enough but waiting until today to let her mum know is really crap.

I don’t believe this is the case at all. She’s been anti-children since her first niece was born and she was only 20 then and not in a position to be even considering children.

She's selfish but it sounds like she doesn't really love her family if she never sees them, either that or there is a back story and she's reasonable to avoid you all.

From OPs post though, I think her daughter would have felt pressure to come and felt it was easier to say yes at the time. Then as it got closer, just couldn’t face it. Lots of us will have been in similar situations, saying yes to kick the can down the road, putting off dealing with it and wanting a quiet life for a while longer. Then it comes to it, you realise you can’t go and have to say. It’s usually with people you don’t feel completely comfortable with, so I’m sure there are lots of issues here and more of a back story. We can already see that OP has expectations and is judging her daughter not meeting kids etc.

Very rude. She’d get short shrift from me.

Yes DH is her dad.

I would guess shes cancelled last minute because if she'd told you a week ago, you would have tried to work on her and tell her that she has to come when she doesnt want to.

I hated being the childfree aunt and being expected to all or a sudden interact with babies and toddlers, it made me feel really awkward, and wasnt my idea of fun at all. You seem to have an expectation that she behaves a certain way with the family kids.

Then you need to accept she doesn’t want anything to do with children and stop
pushing them on her.

To be honest she sounds like a selfish, spoilt brat!

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute YANBU

…. clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families? YABU

@calypsolypso

I get why you're upset but you can't force her to play happy families when she doesn't want to.

She shouldn't have accepted the invitation but be honest, how much pressure have you put on her to accept?

She obviously doesn't see the family in the same way you do and I think putting expectations on her isn't helpful. She very clearly doesn't enjoy being part of you family circle. I think this is something you may have to accept rather than forcing her into family group chats and social events she doesn't want.

Id love to hear her side of the story.

She was wrong to cancel this late in the day, she shouldn't have accepted. But she's not wrong in how she feels. You need to accept that or you could end up losing her.

Sounds like she doesn't like her family much.

On the face of it she seems very rude but I'm wondering if there is any sort of backstory here to justify her dislike? I'd be interested to hear her side

Maybe they could come to you a few days later and have a Christmas without all the children running around?

Do the others bother with her?

Sounds like there's a backstory somewhere - have you tried to find out what might be underneath it all?

It's not a light decision to step away from family, she must have some reason (even if not one you think is accurate).

There was no pressure. I messaged in October to ask if she was coming home for Christmas or had other plans. She replied with we will come up on the Monday before and leave on the Saturday, can book a hotel if you don’t have the space for us?
Since then she messaged asking if her dad can get them from the train station.
I wouldn’t have been as upset if she had been honest in the first place. I’d still be upset at the lack of interest but I wouldn’t push it.

This!