DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

My first thought is she OK? Physically/emotionally/mentally? Is she hiding something from you health wise maybe?

I can see both sides. I would absolutely hate Christmas as your house (no offences meant!) and I avoid my own family Christmas for the same reason. Too many people, loads of kids, mess, noise, chaos etc. literally hate it. But, she should have cancelled sooner than on the day, which is rude on her behalf.

I guess Oniy you. Know her and wether it’s something to be annoyed at or worried about ?

People seem to be writing their own backstories here but it just sounds to me like she doesn’t have an awful lot in common with the rest of the family and doesn’t really want to spend her (no doubt rare) time off work round loads of kids! 26 year old me would have felt the same. No secret pregnancy losses or mad desire for babies.

Why is it sad?

She's poor for cancelling last minute and disappointing you and her father.

I can understand her not wanting to spend her time in a household of young kids. Her sibs' kids are one thing but a bunch of cousins are something else. At 26 I wasn't hugely interested either and stayed that way until they were a good bit older.

As grandma and aunt your perspective is a good bit different that's all.

How horrible of her. She sounds petulant and immature and I think you should tell her how disappointed you are with her.

There is absolutely nothing that would justify her behaviour.

@calypsolypso She's a selfish little madam for not being honest up front, or at least cancelling in good time. She must've known you'd get her favourite food/booze in and cater for her boyfriend too. You aren't a bloody servant OP. But I don't blame her one bit for not being overwhelmed with joy about nieces/nephews or kids in general. That wouldn't be my ideal Christmas at all, especially at the age of 26. Not everyone gets all fuzzy and warm about screaming kids. Why should she be delighted to spend the day with her cousins' children, that's a bit remote surely? I think you're pushing this "big happy family and everybody must love kids" agenda way too far OP. I advise you to ease off on that shit.

The last minute cancellation was rude.

Other than that, she prefers to spend Xmas her way, and that is not with a children focused Xmas. She has little in common with her siblings, she lives in a different area and has a different lifestyle.

The way you speak about her it's pretty clear you don't like her choices and think she should be all over these kids and family and you don't accept that's just not her. Rein that pressure to conform to your standards of family in and you might get a different result.

Yes this. There is so much talk of her not having children, not meeting children, judged for not wanting to be around children. Shes 26. It’s not exactly unusual.

It feels like there is some judgment about her lifestyle. Maybe she picks up on that too? Does she get comments about her ‘London life’ from you and her siblings?

Oh and I was 34 when I had my first and that was quite early in my London circle, so it might be a few years yet.

I remember how annoyed I felt around Christmas once it became all about the grandkids. I was the last to have kids out of the three of us, so for 10 years, I attended Christmases at my parents' home that were completely child-focused (to the point that food went unsalted, bedtimes were prescribed and even certain decorations had to go) So unenjoyable compared to the really fun Christmases before! I would have loved to have opted out! It's a very different story now but I can really see both sides.
Cancelling at such short notice, however, isn't acceptable but might speak to the way she sees her role at Christmas ie she doesn't really see that she'll be properly missed. As in her personality, missed. Of course her disinterest in her nieces and nephews will be noted, but will her presence truly be missed? What about the day, bar the stockings, has her in mind?

Are you sure hes lovely? My 'lovely' exh was a controlling and emotionally abusive twat, but everyone thought he was wonderful

Why assume she'll ever have kids?

I reckon my parents might post the same sort of thing about me. The thing is that I don’t want to be involved in the family Christmas because I’m not close to them but am still expected to play my designates part in the charade. I hate it and these days I don’t go. If the expectation wasn’t there I’d probably still go but the reality is that I would spend the whole being told I’m not xyz well enough, not joining in in the right way…. Much like you’re expecting her to be delighted about everyone’s kids.

your daughter was rude to cancel at the last minute but I bet she was finding it difficult to say no

So stay in a hotel or just go up for a half day on boxing day. Say hello to family and go.

Unless OP and her DH are abusive nutters, she'll regret being so cold to her family in years to come.

You seem focused on wishing you could make her come home, rather than thinking about why she doesn't want to. It sounds like she's disconnected from the family.

Yes, cancelling short notice is a bit rude, but I don't consider all the usual manners apply the same to close family, who you should be able to be honest with about your feelings. She isn't unreasonable to want to live her life differently from her siblings.

I'd work on your relationship at a less pressured time, and accept if you want things to improve it will probably be you who has to do the travelling.

Obviously cancelling last minute is rude, and it would be nice if she was more interested in her siblings (why don't they make the effort with her during th year?), but I was beginning to feel the pressure she must be under before I was halfway through your OP.

I think she’s being rude and inconsiderate. I can only sympathize as I have a very similar situation here with dd24. Drives me mad.

Incredibly nasty and hurtful. I hope her siblings etc treat her in the same way that she treats them? I would not bother doing 3 trips to London next year either.

Have you told her how upsetting it is when she cancels last minute? I'm not advocating guilt tripping anyone into spending Christmas with you, but cancelling so late is really rude and selfish of her.

Sometimes it takes a while for adult children to realise their parents are people with feelings. Was she spoiled a bit as the youngest? Maybe she's not used to thinking about other people's feelings as much as she should.

Spell out that you were excited to host her, had made up their stockings, and had already bought food and drink based on them coming. Her actions have consequences and it doesn't help anyone to spare her feelings.

the abusive ones usually are, its why they are so difficult to leave

You're the one she finds it stressful to be around. The question is why?

You don't seem to want to consider it though.

I wondered this too. I’m several years younger than my siblings, and when I was in my 20s they both had children within a few years of each other. This meant that family gatherings were very child-orientated (which I knew was fair, even if I struggled at bit with it), and that no one seemed very interested in what was going on in my life, which did seem unfair. I also didn’t really know how to interact with small children (being the youngest, and the youngest grandchild), and was criticised for doing things wrong by one sibling.

@calypsolypso You also mention that she’s the only one out of her siblings and cousins to have left your home town and gone to uni. I suspect this also makes her feel more like the odd one out. Do the rest of the family make comments about her moving away/ being too good for us etc?

Selfish & rude to cancel coming at this stage. She owes you an apology for that.

But at 26 I had zero interest in toddlers and babies. Yes even ones related to me.

I suspect there is a lot of baby chat. Very normal if you have lots of young children around, first Christmas's etc, brand new toys to set up, Father Christmas visiting, doting grandparents etc. But if you arent interested in kids it would feel quite overwhelming.

I'd criticise her for the late cancellation but understand that currently its probably best that she doesn't attend under duress. Sugget they come for a random weekend in February or whenever when its not quite so child centric.

There’s the drip. I knew it would either be that the siblings were much older than her or that she was the only one that was an educated professional that had moved away. Sounds like they stayed close and started families rather young, particularly compared to your youngest’s peers.

She needs to give more notice or not commit to things that she knows she doesn’t want to do. However, you need to understand that her life is very different from her siblings and she doesn’t have much in common with them. Your family is very focused on the grandchildren right now and that’s simply not the point where she or her peers are at. Make arrangements to see her at another time, continue to make time for her, but also understand that she doesn’t want to be stuck in as the young aunt right now.