Things my DH has found to do while we are trying to leave for Christmas

[Bluebells81]

6hr car journey to PiL today. Thought it would be good to leave in morning. Stop for lunch etc So got everyone packed and ready yesterday, or so I thought...

So far DH has filled the morning with:

1. Buying special fuel for garden tool.
2. Filling said tool with fuel on allotment.
3. Buying Xmas present for child that I could have bought yesterday if I'd known he hadn't done this.
4. Vacuuming (he never vacuums under normal circumstances)
5. Winding DCs up with playfighting to the point that everyone got sent to separate rooms.
6. Buying (separate shopping trip) extra food for pet and present for next door neighbour.
7. washing and drying a load of laundry.

I can't even pack the car because he keeps using it for his errands.

There is no end in sight to this sudden domesticity. Nearly 1pm... still a 6hr journey ahead.

Yep, this is me too. Then get yelled at when we get wherever we're going because we came without some thing that I didn't bring because I got rushed out the door earlier than expected.

My grandad was like this. It was a control thing, he liked keeping grandma stuck there, getting stressed and begging him to hurry up. Made him feel important, "the man in charge", I guess. Twat.

I can't believe so many wives here are tolerating it - or even excusing it with ADHD. Come on! If "his brain is suddenly in doing-things mode" then he can bloody well do something relevant. He's purposefully wasting time. It's about staying in control and/or winding you up.

So you’d smack into traffic at 7am then or you’d arrive well after bedtime? Why? What an odd choice

Ex would do this.
It is on purpose.
It is not funny.

No offence but I just don't get this - to me that is so unbelievably selfish! What about the effort your parents had put in making dinner? Even without dinner turning up 2hours late is so rude.
And because he wanted to watch something? An absolute no from me 'Get in the car now or I am leaving' would have been the only sensible response!
Maybe this shit hits too much of a nerve.....my ex was a bit like this - he would have been happy for me to be late for my own sisters wedding because he couldn't possibly leave without having his breakfast first (should have got up earlier then mate!) but the upshot was that I was on time, he was hungry and it didn't take too much longer for him to become and Ex!

Then there is also the Ritual of the Satnav. Mine will either: spend 10 minutes fiddling about with it to find our destination, then halfway down the road he will ignore it and go a different way because he knows better, or he will jump in and drive off without setting it , then decides he needs it after all so I have to reach over and set the bloody thing. Then see above, he goes a different way because it’s better ..,

I would love if point 5 applied to husband as well!

(Can totally picture this! 😂)

I do one better and start unpacking telling him I wasn't going at all. He could finish packing up the car and go by himself

My DP is like this!! Or he was, until I very firmly tell him now "What time actually do you want us to be out of the door by, because that is the time I will work to, not some arbitrary earlier time" and laying that out to him has made him reel it in a bit more.

I got so fed up with him saying "We'll leave at 11" but then from about 10.15am onwards he starts doing his anxiety dance and "well think about the traffic, we'd really better get going now, SHOES ON DD!!!!" - and I'd be in a flap because my timings were all based around 11. I had enough of it and he's better now.

Mine does shit like this. I still remember being in full blown labour and telling him he had to get me to the hospital, whilst he decided it would be a great time to wash and dry the dishes! Never, ever does it normally, but at 4am when I was about to give birth on the living room floor, it was the most important thing in the world apparently.

Am I the only one thinking “tranquilliser darts”

Happens here every time too!! The garden suddenly needs something done or something else totally random. Then he packs for himself 20 mins before we leave. And he can't find his razor so it's all my fault. What is it with men?! 🤣

Are you staying silent and watching while all this is going on?

I’m like this and I have ADHD. It’s known as time blindness. I don’t, however, hold things up as much as this man and for special journeys etc I have strategies to make sure I’m out of the door in enough time as I know I need to be. An example - if I have any jobs/projects hanging over me I know I will struggle to go (this is a genuine struggle) so about a week before, I make a list of what’s bugging me and then I try to be sensible and whittle this down to what’s really bugging me and what can wait. Then I get those things done in the time before we go (even if that means I’m up early or later to bed in an unnecessarily self-punishing sort of way), and then I can leave with a relatively calm mind.

I am so grateful for this thread. I've found my tribe. I've already posted a few times about stupid shit DH did. I'm wondering now what strategies worked to help things? Is there any hope? One thing Dh doesn't seem to get is that the stress is cumulative. If I see him doing something silly under time pressure I can overreact because i presume he will screw up, after the 500 times previously of course it's what I think. I also now get stressed before he even starts because I anticipate it. He had the nerve to tell someone recently that I find travel really difficult and stressful. I very publicly corrected that I find travel with him stressful but am perfectly happy to go alone.

I remind at 5 min intervals and ask him about an hour or again 30 mins before departure what his plans are for that time and how long he thinks each thing will take. On occasion I've written it out on a timeline to illustrate why he doesn't have time for whatever. I lie about bookings and invitation times sometimes. I've also said that I won't host or do certain things again if he messes up in the moment. Like if I'm hosting his family I pull him aside and say if he goes off doing random jobs then I won't be hosting next time. He knows I mean it and usually gets his act together then. I have to be tough all the time and manage him.. it's exhausting. He is improving though if I keep the pressure on.

That's horrible to read. Almost a form of abuse. If you gave birth right there and something went wrong, because he was deliberately ignoring you... too awful to think about

Well obviously she’s screaming at him and lashing him with a cat o’ nine tails.

I don’t doubt that some men do this to control, but it can also be ADHD. But in that cases, strategies should be adopted to minimise it.

But clearly he's bringing it back?

My DH likes to look at our quiet, absorbed and engaged children and decide to leave, slap his thighs and declare ‘RIGHT!’.He’ll immediately turn off the tv or gather up the game DC have been playing and bark at them to hurry and get ready or we’ll leave without them. DC then all wander around like drunk cats simultaneously losing all their clothing, drifting upstairs and demanding to bring various impractical items while we all bump into eachother in the hall trying to get ready simultaneously in a hurry. DH is bounding up and down yelling he can’t find his keys/wallet/shoes. Someone has knocked over the 3yo. Everyone seems to need to triangulate all queries through me. Drives me up the fucking wall!

Get yourself ready, calmly, quietly. Source everything you need. Then, and only then drag the kids away from whatever they’re doing ffs…

Does he have ADHD?! I always do this to put off getting ready for my appointments, then I end up being late. Can sympathise that it must be infuriating being on the receiving end of it!

Oops I pressed the wrong button YADNBU! Hahaha though, at him getting sent to his room for playfighting! Hope you got there safely in the end. Plus, now you know how much he can achieve in a few hours, what a help he’ll be in 2026.

Is he trying to piss you off or make some kind of point - like for example impress on you that he is the important one because he has the power to decide when you should leave.

Narcissiistic abusive exDP used to behave like this to be in control. Whenever we went to visit my parents when the DCs were toddlers, we were always an hour or more late because he would go for a shower about 10 minutes after we were due to leave and then would spend 45 minutes in the bathroom.

More recently, while I was still with him, I developed a chronic illness, which includes lots of fatigue. The medical advice is to rest a lot. One Sunday we had planned to meet DC1 and take them a suitcase and some
Other stuff. We agreed that exDP would
Get the suitcase out of the loft and I would search for the other bits and bobs. About 10 minutes before we were due to leave, I asked him where the suitcase was and he started yelling at me about it being my fault that he hadn't got it out because I had left him to clean up the kitchen on his own. This is the same man that would cook a massive fry up for himself and leave the greasy pans on the hob for days on end. He hardly ever cleaned up the kitchen. Maybe he did it once every 6 months and especially not if he had to go out. He did it so he could feel justified in telling me I was lazy.

Would you really though?
It seems like a massive overraction to an irritating issue.
I do wonder how those who suggest such nuclear reactions to relatively minor misdemeanours manage to stay in a relationship.

Oh yes, my ex H would always ask, in the car when nearly at our destination "Did you bring my xxx?".