What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

I’m aware I have not aged well.

I'm sorry to hear this, I really am. I think this may be the root of what you're feeling - there are obviously things you're aware of in your health conditions, that you understandably haven't shared here, that perhaps are playing a big factor.

Does your DH also look young for his age? It might be a combination of things, dress sense, mobility, hobbies, jobs, relationships.... people use lots of pieces of information when making judgements like age, not just what our faces look like.

Does dh look young?

Feck em. I bet you look just lovely.

You're focusing on you but what about dh? Is he slightly overweight with a bit of a baby face and sandy hair which hides greys? This kind of man I always think looks a good bit younger than their age.

Maybe it's him looking younger rather than you looking far older?

Hi OP, sorry you’re going through this, sounds rough and must be really disconcerting. FWIW, while you’re right, there’s not a massive amount to be done about aging skin once it’s set in short of serious lasers and/or surgery, I think there’s an awful lot to be said for focusing on things like hair and especially teeth, which may be more in reach. How is your dental health? Could you go for a consultation to see if there’s anything to be done there? I think bad teeth (which I’m not saying yours necessarily are!) can be hugely aging.

Similarly, is it worth going to a really great salon for a chat? Then perhaps something like a personal shopping appt (John Lewis I believe is free, for example)

That said, I agree with PPs that this is their issue, not theirs, and yes, fuck ‘em. But if you feel like you would like to make some positive changes for you and your own self-image and wellbeing (because I know I always feel better when I know I look put together - not necessarily dressed up, but a little more polished and cohesive)

Your dh shouldn't have told you what his colleague said or shown you the card. Of he cared then he would've hidden both from you.
I do think that people who drink loads or have done will age faster though, my high school friend went through a phase of drinking very heavily to the point that shes had her stomach pumped 3 times and she also dabbled in drugs, shes since cleaned herself up and its been about 15 years since shes drank much at all but whenever she sees me she comments how she looks a lot older than I do.
Could you try some new skincare and maybe facial exercises, it would help if you are wanting to look fresher.
But first thing id do is tell your dh how badly it makes you feel when he tells you things like this even if hes just passing on what somebody else has said

Is it possible that they think your DH is younger than he is/ he has aged very well?

My husband and I are similar age (he is 9 months older) but he is a total baby face - especially if he goes clean shaven. People genuinely think he is 8-10 years younger than he is.

If you look only slightly older, and he looks younger, that could be where the mistake is happening. Rather than you looking like you are in your 70s.

I guess the neighbours haven’t come up with it independently. Probably one of them decided you were his mum and told the others so. They may not have questioned it, may be admiring how young you look for a how old they think you are, etc etc.

I tend to get mistaken for a man :-( I guess it’s my scruffy androgynous clothing, big nose and unfeminine posture. I definitely don’t actually look like a man though, I have boobs and long hair.

Next time you bump into them with dh, lean in and give him a massive snog.

That would probably set them straight.

why dont you go out with your dh and hold hands and kiss in front of these ignorant people

cross posts @Kagoule

I hope i can put this in a sensitive way! I've observed a brief window where couples of similar age can suddenly look like there's a gap such as you've described. Possibly meno related. It tends to even out again quite quickly but I wonder if you're in that moment.

If you've moved to a small place, all it takes is one neighbour chatting to another and saying: "They are nice people that have moved into Number Ten... I've met the chap, I think he lives with his mother but I haven't met her myself."

And then suddenly it's gospel truth! The neighbourhood grapevine should never be underestimated. There's an easy way to stop it - the next time someone mentions it - you just correct them, breezily, with humour if you can: "Oh he's actually my husband not my son, if he was my son I would have grounded him when he didn't do his chores last week!"

Everyone twists themselves into human pretzels so as 'not to cause offence' - so if they think they know a fact (even if it doesn't fit with what they are seeing in front of them) they will doggedly cling to that notion out of politeness. By not correcting them you are doing the same - thinking you are being polite, but actually people would much rather be corrected than continue inadvertently causing offence.

If you're unhappy with your looks and want to do something about them, then more power to you - I'm sorting out my birds nest of a hair do next year because I have let it slide with all of the misery of perimenopause. But the easiest way to fix this particular issue is just to set the record straight.

Oh ouch op. I can see why this hurts. However, could it be a combination of things? Your Dh looking particularly young as others have said. Perhaps something about the way you dress or conduct yourself suggesting you are older than your years. The fact your DH happily told you what his colleague said makes me suspicious that he is somehow deliberately giving this impression to people or at least not making it obvious/correcting them.

So sorry, thats really shattering for your self esteem.
Could you go for a restyle, new hair do etc? Different clothes?
Is your hair dyed? I know people adovate embracing the grey but its aging and they will never prise my box dyes from me.
If I could afford "procedures" I would like a shot. Nothing drastic but every 50 something has saggy bits. But I cant alas.

What’s that expression- what other people think of me is none of my business.

Try to update your looks etc if you think it would help, but my advice is to just put it out of your head. What does it matter?

Guessing ages is so hard to tell. If you look 5-10 years older than you are and your DH looks 5-10 years younger then that could easily be enough for someone to think there's a generation between you.

I don't look old for my age but when I've been around people 10 years younger than me for study reasons I was mistaken for one of their mums on two separate occasions! It really is hard to judge ages and it's so easy to be 5 years out. That added to your DH maybe looking a bit younger and you maybe looking a little older would explain the confusion.

There are things you can do to help though - how do you carry yourself? Is it with confidence or a slight 'hunchiness'? Also you say you're in good shape, which is obviously a good thing but I do find that slim people can look older?

I bet you look great!

I find it weird that they have just assumed the two people are mother and son, even if there is an apparent visual age gap. Like if you saw two people who you'd estimate to be 20 years apart (and it seems fairly unlikely that OP and her husband do look that different in age), that still doesn't rule out that they are a couple with a large age gap. So why would you assume?

Maybe the one neighbour you didn’t correct then confirmed to everyone you were his mum -stuff gets round villages fast. Everyone thought dh and I were siblings in the first village we lived in - dh did look about 12 in his 20s!

I do think men can age well (especially if they have hair). I’d make sure you pop a card through the neighbours door with a note to clarify the mix up and be very to the point (we are married and dh 2 years older than me so I’m definitely not his mum!)

Then I’d get my hair done (and honestly, I’d probably get Botox… I’m 43 but feel there will come a point I’ll freak out about aging)

They don’t know you, haven’t seen you in close detail. An assumption has been made probably by one person and then taken as truth from others. Your dh shouldn’t have told you what his colleague said or given you the card. What he should have done was told his colleague where to go and quietly explained to the neighbour that you are husband and wife and he is older than you.

Guessing ages is so hard to tell. If you look 5-10 years older than you are and your DH looks 5-10 years younger then that could easily be enough for someone to think there's a generation between you.

I agree. It's tricky. My mum was a heavy smoker all her life. My dad was 10 years older than my mum, but they looked the same age. She looked older and he looked younger.

So sorry OP, this sounds tough. It’s particularly difficult for women to contend with. This reminds me of Keanu Reeves and his partner, I think they’re the same age or he’s even a bit older but she is regularly called out for being older. He does look good and young for his age, I’m wondering if your DH is particularly attractive and looks younger than his years maybe?

Botox and /or filler and some highlights (if you’re grey) if it bothers you. I also think perhaps it could be your clothing if people are seeing you from a distance or whatever and assuming you’re a lot older?

Like PP have said, perhaps your DH looks young for his age or perhaps just 1 person thought it and mentioned it to others who automatically assumed they were correct.

Unfortunately there’s really no way of knowing unless you post a picture

Without seeing you it’s difficult but like others have mentioned, it could be your hair or clothes that are aging you. Do you wear make up? You sound active so I don’t expect it’s your weight or posture

I think you could make small changes to make yourself feel better 💐