What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

I would send christmas cards back signed “imnotlaughing & her husband imnotlaughinghusband.” Rip the bandaid off op and just do it. They are being incredibly rude.

Of you’d corrected the first neighbour, the second incident probably wouldn’t have happened.
Next time you see a neighbour I’d make a joke of it and hope the grapevine spreads it around.

It could be weight. Some women look much older when they’re slim. A bit of fat can add some shape to the face and make you look less gaunt.

I also just checked and Keanu Reeves’ partner is a decade younger, she’s always called out for looking older. If your DH is attractive and young looking it could explain it.

What do you think it is about your appearance that would make them think this, and do uou want to change it?
Have you let your hair grow grey? I think this is hugely aging. My friend is the same age as me and someone on holiday thought she was my mum. She dresses quite young and her skin is good so I think this was the only reason.
Skin can be improved massively with tretinoin/skin peels/laser/ botox
Clothes - do you dress in old fashioned clothes?JAgain, hugely aging. JL personal shoppers are great. I went with my mum and they found her some lovely things.
The most important factors in skin aging are genetics and sun damage.

I think some new make up ( need a slightly warmer shade as you get older ) ,and a hairdo (always colour mine .Grey is very ageing ) Maybe see if you can chat to a neighbour and mention "My husband" several times! People can age differently .Also are you quite thin because this always shows in your face if you are older I think.

I know you mentioned about your health issues making you look older but is there anything else you’re doing that makes you look older?

Some people just are “old” regardless of their actual age. They act old with the way they speak and their mannerisms, as well as their interests and how they dress. There’s nothing wrong with settling into being an old lady if that’s what you want to do but it sounds like for you, that’s not the case.

Some women don’t bother with their hair, make up, nails, or clothes. All fine but if you don’t then you will look older.

obviously you don’t want to post a picture but then MN can’t honestly comment. Do you have a good friend you can ask ? Hairdresser ,nail tech ? Sister ?

Obviously nobody can say how old you look without a picture. But I totally understand why you don’t want to post one.

It doesn’t sound like DH cares if people think you’re older. So what if you were? Are you a good person? Kind, thoughtful and caring? Isn’t that higher value than your appearance?

If you feel like you want to change your appearance maybe look into what improvements you can make in 2026 but please don’t let it get you down. 💐

I mean DH does carry a little too much weight but he is 6’ 5” to my 5’ 8” so he gets away with it to an extent but he is definitely a young looking 54/55 and I’m aware of that but as much as I am aware I haven’t aged well, I genuinely don’t think I look the age these people clearly think I am. I don’t think I am in denial but then people who are in denial never think they are.

I dress nicely, not older than myself but I like comfortable clothes. I certainly don’t think I need to call in an image consultant just yet anyway but if this had stayed at one person making the assumption it would be long forgotten.

What stings a bit is that it seems to have become more noticeable to other people and I know the more recent two don’t really speak to each other and will have made the assumption independently of each other.

There are certain things with my condition that does cause tiredness but I counter that by being as active as possible. I’m always out doing something physical. If I looked in the mirror and thought god I look much older than I really am I could understand it. But I genuinely don’t see what they are seeing.

My dp is 14yrs older than me, when I told friends (after meeting him) they were surprised as they thought we were the same age . Yeah, compliment for him but for me 😱

Good idea. A good youthful haircut can help. And some nice clothes.

If I’ve understood correctly the neighbours have met your DH (enough to know him by name) but not you?

In which case how is he talking about you? Because I can’t imagine a conversation with a new neighbour in which my DH wouldnt say “my wife” or “my wife Smiley”

I can’t remember the name of the show but there was a makeover programme (prob C4) that did ‘guess the age’ before and after and it was amazing to see hair, make up and clothes take 20 years off what strangers guessed. You could search it out on YouTube for ideas if that sort of thing appeals. However, you don’t need to change for anybody. I’d let it be known that you are the age you are so more people can’t unintentionally upset you.
Also, it might only have been one neighbour who assumed you were DH’s mum, maybe from a distance, maybe when you were looking especially windswept, and the other neighbours might have heard it from them.

You need to put them straight OP; like a previous poster said it only takes one neighbour to say something then everyone repeats it. When me & DH moved, our hard of hearing neighbour got DH's name wrong; another mixed me up with my younger sister who they knew vaguely, and before I knew it we were getting Christmas cards to "Jane & John" ( not our actual names). I put people straight quite briskly, when I told one neighbour DH's actual name, she said "Are you sure?" Ffs! It shows how quickly people decide who/what you are; you need to nip this in the bud, and stand up for yourself.

You could say lightly that you've had some health issues in the past, but you're ok now, and looking forward to getting to know everyone.

Try not to focus on how you look, and other people won't either.

Or start some crazy rumours!

Sorry you're going through this shit, OP. To be honest I think people don't look that closely at other people, or I don't anyway. The walking frame might be what makes them assume you're elderly.

How rude, especially from the colleague.
I would say embrace looking older I the same age as you, I always looked way younger, but now,menopause has happened, I think I start to look quite old.Hey that's life I am quite old.I can only say, doing exercise yoga, qigong has helped my posture, this makes you feel better and look better. I want to do weights, look good for my age and feel good about myself.

A good, regular haircut makes all of the difference IMO. And for thr 50+ age group, no longer than shoulder length.

Is it your hair clothes etc my MIL is the same age as DM but looks yeaea older cos she makes zero effort with self care ie hair ,dress sense ,,eyebrows ,,nails and d she acts older and infirm due to mobility issues,,but strip everything back they both have same wrinkles and facial age DM just presents it better .

This was my initial response. I genuinely don’t think I look old enough to be his mum and am baffled because even though he looks younger than his age I really don’t look 20 years older. I think most of us can usually tell a parent and adult child together from a married couple together. I remember when I was 16 a new lady aged 30 joined the company I worked for and I thought she was a lot older but I was a school leaver with no real life experience then. These are parents of grown adult children mistaking me for DH mum.

Oh blimey, this made me chuckle 😃 🤣

It's embarrassing for your neighbours. I think what happened was one person said you were a mum and son and then word spread round to a few others without it being corrected.

I am sure you don't look ancient. Your DH probably is just lucky and looks younger. He loves you for the way you are so sod the others!

Like pp have said, it’s probably an easy fix like your hair that can be solved with a fiver spent on a box of hair dye.

I went through a scruffy phase a few years ago where I’d wear my anorak with unstyled hair and no make up because “it doesn’t matter what I wear, I can’t be bothered getting all dolled up to go to shopping”. One day, I was in a clothes shop and glanced at some woman and thought “bloody hell, she looks rough!” And then realised it was my reflection in the mirror!

It was a bit of a wake up call and I now make a little bit of an effort. I run the straighteners over at least the top layer of my hair, pop a bit of mascara, tinted moisturiser and lipstick on and wear something comfortable that makes me feel good.

Sending love. I'd like to add some thoughts from my own experience.

Three times in the last year, I've been mistaken for my son's grandma (I had him at 35 and he's now 4). All of the people doing the mistaking were considerably older than me.

For my money, I look exactly the age that I am - no better or worse. However I refuse to use Botox or filler and because a lot of women my age now do, it's changing people's perception of what 40 looks like. (It probably doesn't help that I rarely wear makeup.)

Personally, I couldn't give a shit. I'm healthy, I scrub up well when I want to, and like you am physically active and a healthy weight.

If it's bothering you, though, could you get your hair done or do something that made you feel good about yourself? Do you dye your hair? Personally I find grey hair very ageing, even though I respect keeping it natural and I know a lot of people suit it.

When you are close in age to DH it can happen. My DH and I are 2 years apart. He looks very young and hardly has any grey hair. If I didn’t dye my hair I would look much older than him. Also when I gain weight I look frumpy and feel grumpy which again ages me. Hence I have really put in effort to keep fit and maintain my self care so I look and feel good.

Things you can do, dye your hair, drink enough water 2-3 litres a day, so your skin looks hydrated and nice. Eat healthy and lose or gain weight. If you are too thin also it can make you look gaunt and older. If you are overweight it does make you look older. If you have bags under your eyes, look into the estee lauder advanced night repair cream. There are some great beauty products available currently on sale. Overall don’t beat yourself up, you are more than your looks! Hugs!

So maybe your DH has leaned into this as a joke on you, or because he’s amused by being thought so much younger?

Alternatively, could there be something in your posture, stance, or gait which leads people to read you as older than you are?

I very much doubt you look 70, I’m sure you’re gorgeous and IMO people who feel comfortable in themselves always look lovely anyway.