What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

Put it another way, your husband needn't be so bloody smug about the perceived age difference - he's in his 50s and people think he lives with his mam!

Honestly maybe it’s just a simple case of him looking a bit younger than he is and you looking a bit older.

There’d really only need to look like there was around 16 years age difference for people to conclude that you were a young mum. To a lot of people that would be more likely than you dating someone who appeared 16 years younger than you.

Maybe you look a little older but that doesn’t mean you don’t look good.

And also, just to add, they addressed the card to ‘DH name and mum’? Why wouldn’t they use your name? Is it just your DH that talks to them and they don’t even know your name? If so that’s even more likely to be your DH behind this. And he never corrected the guy at work, (the guy that ‘allegedly’ bullshit called you an old lady) and he also handed you the card that called you mum? No way. Either he’s fucking with you or you’re fucking with us.

The exact same. Do you have the paid for version?

You say your husband is older than you, but does he look younger than he actually is perhaps? It could be partly that? I'm sorry this has affected your confidence.

@Glowingup no, just the free one

Think of it this way. They think he looks like the kind of man who lives with his mum in his 50s. They probably haven't thought about it much, just decided hes the weirdy guy who lives with his mum and not bothered looking at you in any detail. I would tell him to look in the mirror 😀

Tell them they should have gone to Specsavers!
You are you, and it’s the person that you are that’s important, not the vision that random people observe. To quote from the Bible…..’If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out’! Happy Christmas 🎄

I'm guessing the PP suggests this as he repeated the comment from his colleague and handed you the card - you didn't need to know about either. So, I would be giving him the side eye, if I were you.

I think what you probably need to do (IF you want to address this, and there is no reason you should), is contact a few stylists, find one you like, go see them w some pics of DH and explain what's happened.

I'm guessing it's a combo of him passing for late 40s, you perhaps looking more late 50s, then clothes and your general manners making the gap seem bigger.

The stylist can help you update your look, and can probably suggest good hair and makeup people. Skincare and teeth - you probably know if it needs attention.

I think the most aging things for most people are skin, hair and teeth, so sort those out if needed, update how you dress a bit if needed.

Or don't, it's not compulsory and it's not the most important thing about you.

Can't advise on the husband, but I wouldn't be super happy with his attitude here. If he thinks you need a style update, there are plenty of straightforward and fairly tactful ways to say that, he doesn't need to be a bitch.

This happens regularly with my mum and dad. People think the husband is the son - when he's actually older than her.
She does look about 10 years older than she though, and my dad looks much younger than he really is.
It really upsets my mum. But she doesn't make any effort at all, where my dad does. Anyone can look a bit better if they try.

People are idiots. I was out once with my daughter and my mum, and some woman noticed the family resemblance and asked us if we were related. I joked back that we were sisters. And she believed us. Admittedly, my mum was wearing well, but not that well!

Your dh is an uncaring, insensitive twat for telling you what his colleague said.

To be fair, I also considered that as a possibility. Why would he tell you a work colleague called you an old lady?? That was incredibly spiteful of him. Is he nasty in other ways as well?

It might just be that your neighbours are not great at judging ages. So many people (me included) are not.

I was in hospital a few years ago, and all the older ladies on the ward kept asking me if I was in college, which puzzled me because I was in my mid-30s and looked every second of my age, so I asked them and they thought I was a later teen or early 20s! I think it was because I was about 4 decades younger than most of them (at least), they obviously read me as being super young. If your DH looks younger than you, they could be doing the same kind of thing.

I do feel for you.

Unfortunately ill health, drink and drugs do eventually make someone look much older.

Just put them right next time.

As you're a newcomer to the community, you may be the subject of casual conversation ie Who are the new people in X's house?
Perhaps someone has misheard something and thought you're mother and son, or got you mixed up with someone else. It's amazing how news travels.
So it may be nothing to do with your appearance.

Why is your husband letting you know this stuff, either by telling you or not taking easy steps to hide it? It's hurtful and there's no reason for it. Whether or not you really do look 20 years older is beside the point.

My mum looked always older than my dad and she is 4 years younger during their 30s, 40s and 50s, some people though he was her son.
Everyone that new my little brother before me though I was his little sister when in fact I'm 12 years older untill I reach my 40 and I changed accordingly with my age and he stayed stable in his 30s face.
Some people look older than others because of the shape of the face, we unconsciously associate some types of faces with youth. Don't worry much about it. Age will catch up at some point.
Now my mum and dad looks similar age and I definitely look older than my little brother.

If it's older people making these comments, then I think it's quite likely to be their perception/eyesight as much as anything!

My dh is four years older than me and to be fair he hasn't aged amazingly well. He also has a mainly grey/white beard, although his hair is still mostly dark. I probably look my age (nearly 50) but I dye my hair. I've had several old people over the years think he's my dad. However, on one occasion, an older visitor to church thought I was married to a man who is my dad's age and looks it - so I tend to take no notice of anything an older (70 plus!) person says about my age/my dh these days!

My parents were mistaken for mother and son once, I remember Mum being upset about it. I think because Mum had dark hair which showed up every grey hair, whereas Dad had fairish brown hair and didn't look grey until this grey hairs were in the majority, it did make Dad look younger. When he retired he got a lot of "you're too young to be retired" reactions, and people generally assumed that he was younger than he was.

People are terrible at judging ages. I went out with my newborn and my friend (we're the same school year, she's 8 months older than me). A lady in the cafe decided she was Grandma! It's them not you!

It wasn’t kind of your husband to tell you what his work colleagues said.

There are two options - accept it, let them think what they think or correct them when they say it. They will be more embarassed than you! And continue with your life, looking the way you do.

or.

Consider ways to make yourself look younger - Botox, fillers, hairstyle etc

But only do it if YOU want to; not because of what other people think.

and it seems fairly unlikely that OP and her husband do look that different in age
Not really. Strangers assumed much more often than not that my SD was my mum's father. He was 8 years older than her. He looked older, she looked much younger.

Strangers have also assumed on occasions that my OH was my dad. He is 2 years older. He is extremely fit but his face is ver lined. I have always looked much younger than my age.

I have a couple friends around the same age and if I didn't know, I would without a doubt think she was his mum. She looks like a nan. Her features,, her lined face, her body shape, the way she moves, her glasses. He looks young for his age. Always smiling, always a spring on his feet, a young looking face.

Just to add OP, who cares what others think!

Do you have grey hair? Does your DH look young? I am 7 years younger than my DH (46/53) however most people guess I am in my early 30's and I have been asked many times whether he is my father. We both find it upsetting and embarrassing. If you're hair is grey, just dye it!