What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

It sounds like maybe you should consider aesthetics such as Botox / filler ?

I wonder if he refers to you as his old lady and the misunderstanding is coming entirely from him.

Aww bless you. That's bound to make anyone feel a bit crappy, so I'm not surprised your cheesed off over it.

How do you feel about yourself, that's what matters?
If you feel unhappy with your appearance it's never too late to get a new hair-do, start a new skincare routine, find a new wardrobe style etc.

Spend some time and money on your face, hair teeth and clothing. Update your look, improve your skincare, go to the gym, eat better and hydrate well. Alcohol is really poor for skin.

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt by assumptions people make, it sounds like you have come through a lot.

i think instead of thinking you look old, perhaps your husband could pass for 10 years younger and you maybe for 10 years older, thereby the 20 year gap? That would put you in early 60s and that’s not a huge leap ?

I hope that strangers haven’t dented your self esteem, you sound lovely. Next year write them all cards to NDN & Granny/Grandad or as others have suggested get into public displays of affection in front of them and have them clutching for their pearls (or whatever men clutch 🙄).

Happy Christmas x

It was cruel of your DH to tell you about the ‘old lady’ comment. However, it did occur to me that that, and his handing the ‘DH and Mum’ card to you, is a clumsy and thoughtless attempt to communicate something to you. Has he ever mentioned your looks/hair/clothes to you before in a disparaging way, even if jokingly?

Of course, it’s not his or their business what you look like, but if you’re concerned, you could make some small changes. If you’re not on HRT, consider that as the menopause can cause people to look older than they are almost overnight. Also, if you’re don’t already, dye your hair. Use sunscreen on your face even in Winter, and up your skin care regime.

One thing I’ve noticed that ages women are their eyebrows. If yours are thick and straggle, get them done, and if they’re very thin now, get some brow products and put them on every day. Make up helps a lot too. When you’re young it’s to enhance, but as you get older, I always think of it as normalising - making you look more yourself. This is because our skin looks ‘greyer’ and more tired as we get older, so correcting that makes us look younger, as does a hint of blush. Eyes look smaller and less defined as we get older too. Define them with eyeshadow, a bit of liner and mascara. It doesn’t have to be heavy make up. Choose how much you want to do, but just these correcting/normalising things will make a big difference.

It could be he looks way younger.

Dh answered the door to a cold caller who asked if his parents were in.
He pointed out he was in his 30s with three DC. He was most put out. I laughed.

No advice OP, but I do think your DH may be missing a sensitivity chip.

I accompanied my 67 year old Mum to a hospital appointment recently, and was horrified when the Consultant asked her "So, is this your sister you've brought with you today?" I'm 45. Some of us just look older than we are, I'm another with various health conditions and am an alcoholic, with nearly 15 years sober. All these things will take a toll, but I try not to focus on how I look, my DH still loves me and that's what's important to me.

So rude of them. If you aren’t sure you write, Happy Christmas to All or something equally vague in your card. I’d never make an assumption like that.

OP perhaps drop them a card saying from X and his wife, Imnotlaughing. I can guarantee all the embarrassment will be on their side.

Oh, I'm so sorry for you, it's horrible. People's perceptions can just be way off sometimes. We used to get this too. My mum was a heavy smoker and had a thyroid problem, her face was a bit puffy. My dad was movie star handsome with dark hair. People used to mistake her for his mum all the time when they were in their 40s/50s, even though he was 5 years older. Occasionally we also had people think I was his wife. He just looked young.
Now I'm beginning to look noticeably older than my partner and I do worry how I'd deal with this happening to us. I know from my mum, that it is just crushing to your confidence.
I don't have any suggestions because it probably wouldn't be easy to have to tell your neighbours face to face.... But it is upsetting.

Usually we read a relationship not only by how old people look but also by how they interact. Typically, the interaction between a mother & son would be very different from that between a husband & wife! But they have made a wrong assumption and I can see why that is hurtful. The best way round it in future with the neighbours, who clearly meant no harm but have reached an incorrect conclusion, is always to introduce yourselves in terms of your relationship "Hi I'm Jane and this is my husband John." Then everyone knows where they are and nobody gets hurt.

Having said that, my DH & I are still pondering an incident involving a delivery driver last week - we both had a short conversation with him in the driveway then I went back into the house, whereupon he said to my DH, "Is she really your wife?" We are still trying to decide what it was about us that made it seem so improbable to him that we were married!!

My DH is 54 but regularly gets asked if he’s in his early 40s. I’m 8 years younger than him and there will come a point when I “pass him by” when it comes to aging.

Could this be the case with you OP?

There’s many, many factors that influence how we perceive age so it could really be any combination of issues.

If he looks younger and you look older + whatever your overall vibe is, that could be enough for people to make assumptions. When I met my coworker’s husband I thought he was her son (fortunately I didn’t say anything!) when he’s just about 5 years younger and also looks younger and to top it off she looks older. They’ve been happily married for 20+ years so who cares?

If it truly bothers you, maybe review your style and aesthetics? Comfortable clothing sometimes can be code for, well, clothes that will make you look older than you are.

My partner is 8 years younger than me and can’t even lie, I always wonder how we’ll deal with this in the future, especially seeing how naturally fit he is (unlike me).

If it makes you feel any better OP, my partner is nearly 7 years older than me. My mum when met him the first time asked if he was a toyboy, Last year a neighbour from around the corner asked if he was my son. Yes, was the cause of much laughter from my other half!!
Sometimes us ladies just hook up with blokes with good genes. To be fair, his dad didn't age or even go grey til after his 70th birthday, that's what I am blaming it on, lol.

@Imnotlaughing do you have grey hair and your husband not? That alone can put people decades apart.

🚩

Your husband is laughing at people saying this and also saw a card that said this and handed it to you in silence knowing that you’d be hurt, clearly waiting to see you be hurt.

I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who treated me like that no matter what anyone looked like.

OP, I am also 'prematurely aged' due to earlier lifestyle choices and chronic illnesses.
For about 20 years, I heavily abused drink and drugs. I've been abstinent from drugs for nigh on 8 years and mainly abstinent from alcohol.
But, my face definitely reflects the way I abused my body. And, in the past, people have thought I was my DDs' Granny. 😂
But, I'm at peace with it - and my ugly face - as I'm lucky to be alive (and I still have very good teeth, unlike most of my acquaintances in recovery).

Yes! I'm going through this right now. I've always looked younger than my age, but going into peri its like someone destroyed the portrait of me in the attic and its all caught up and then some! Now, because DH is ageing gently, and I'm aging in sprints, there can be a bit of a gap. I noticed my middle aged spread, double chin, drooping eyelids, but the changes on him are almost imperceptible. Just another joy of being a woman i guess 🤣

Op, you can never underestimate how much people don’t really look closely at others. I used to bleach my hair and am a bit overweight and once got mistaken for my elderly mother by a new carer! It will be posture, hair style, clothing that people are glancing at and assessing. It’s easy to get into ruts, and not notice. Perhaps time for a glow up?

Edited to say - I tried to quote OP here when she said older people are making the comments....
The age of people commenting jumped out at me too. I think there are certain things that they see as 'ageing' or 'youthful' and it clouds all judgement. ie: grey hair/bright colours.
Example, one of my nan's elderly mates asked my dad if he was her sister at her 85th birthday party 🤦 my dad was a fairly youthful looking 50 at the time, but with a bald head. It was ridiculous. And upsetting for him!
I got told I was a good girl for helping mum with the shopping by an older lady in Asda. I was 32, my 'mum' was my 32 year old friend. 😭 We look exactly the same age, but I was wearing (don't ask me why) pigtails and a tracksuit, she goes for goth glam and lots of tattoos. It was horrible because it offended my friend so much, whereas I could see it was clearly batshit and based on a snap judgement

I think it's your partner that looks young , not you looking old.

Its a shame the the OP says she doesn't see what they see and instead of encouraging a self-confident mindset, people are encouraging her towards cosmetic enhancements.

Sure you don’t look anything like his mum, someone has misheard something and got their lines crossed. You mention walking the dogs, we often say to the dogs go to your mum or dad, bet it’s something as simple as that.

I have seen a lot of drug addicts look particularly haggard - toothless, unkempt hair, terrible skin - and way older than their years but I am sure that you’re not like that OP. A makeover could help or a new hair do/session with a stylist.

Upload a picture and I will let you know x