What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

Hmm, not sure, maybe a few more...allegedly 😂

So, in short, although three separate people have thought OP was DH's mother (though it is possible one neighbour influenced the other), and OP has said she has not aged well (that was I see now a MN "not aged well", not a sincere acknowledgment of actual fact), and many posters have offered kind advice and their own little anecdotes of similar experiences, she has absolutely no intention of considering she may in fact look considerably older than her DH.

Ok 👍

Your PA response exemplifies my point.

My friend was having an operation on his back, and his sister was waiting for him to return to the ward. One of the nurses said to him that his mother was waiting for him. He never let her live it down. 🤣 They're almost the same age.

Some people will see grey hair and think old person. I have a friend who has had white hair from birth and people thought he was old the he was in his twenties. I don't think he looks old at all.

I had a cousin who was strikingly beautiful at 80 with snow white hair. I remember being at a party and people remarking on her looks, even the young men.

I think people who have confidence appear younger somehow.

This is the mental image I’m getting -

Well it doesn’t actually, no. 😉

“I am rather concluding as some have said, that his looking a few years younger with my looking a few years older may be making them think we are related rather than married. It would certainly make sense.”

Well we all know what part of the anatomy is usually referred to as a starfish so I’ll spare you that mental image. 😉

Well, no. If he looked "a few years younger", that might make him 50-52. If you looked "a few years older", that might make you 55 at most. That would not lead to others assuming you are his mother.

👍

There is a couple that live a few doors up from me, they have 3 kids including a young toddler. Once my direct neighbour had made a comment about the bloke living with his mum for free childcare. This couple is actually early 30s the lady does have very grey hair. But her face you can see she's not old enough to have a son as old as the bloke. I fact if im totally honest her face could have her at 24.

So many possibilities already discussed but having reflected on it - I think it boils down to your neighbours being complete arses - either ineffably stupid or just arseholey.

My DP said there was some obnoxious so and so in his office who'd always put people down in this way - saying their partners were their kids/ parents/ whatever.

Having had nearly 50 years on this planet it still never ceases to amaze me the number of ways in which people can find to be arseholes or indeed that they feel the need to be arseholes and/ or are just completely lacking in perception and diplomacy.

I initially found it shocking that your husband would be so insensitive as to tell you what his colleague said and it crossed my mind that this may have been his way of 'telling' you he'd like you to dye your hair and/ or wear makeup - I wondered if he worked in an industry where 'image' is important, but if a certain kind of image was important to him in that way I think you'd have known about it by now!

So, yep, my conclusion is - your neighbours are bloody idiots and I'd pay them no mind.

OP I doubt you look twenty years older than your age but drug abuse, grey hair, excessive alcohol, illness and self neglect will all take a heavy toll. A decent skincare regime with retinol, Botox, highlights/colour and a new wardrobe should get you closer to looking your actual age. As someone else said looking good in your fifties takes time and effort. Few of us get out of bed looking sensational sadly but thankfully there are enough tools and tricks at our disposal to help.