What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

There’s a couple at my DC’s school and I know they’re only slightly older than me because he told me once so they’re about 34. She doesn’t dye her hair and is going completely grey which really ages her. She easily looks 40+. She also dresses quite frumpily with floral dresses and fleeces and doesn’t wear make up.

These things do age a woman. It’s shit because men can get away with it. My DH has a few greys but it looks sexy to me, whereas if I did I’d be dying them.

If they do, they do. You can't control what other people think.

I think you have to style it out perhaps with humour. Next time it happens put them right. Maybe say, 'I've had a hard life, too much sun in my youth ' etc.

How horrible. Im sorry you have been made to feel this way.
The only thing I find which can make people look older is bad/discoloured teeth. Although trying to find a dentist is a nightmare.

Ignore if you have nice teeth of course!
But fuck them and their opinions generally is my advice.

I was once mistaken for my SC’s gran when picking them up at school! I was appalled! Their mum is two years younger than me (I was 37 to her 35) and SC were 6 and 8, and the woman asking was about the same age as me…

I tell myself it’s just that the school was in a rough area and there must have been lots of teenage mums…!

It sounds like a new wardrobe and hairstyle might be the way forward for you. As PP said, age is often judged more on presentation than the face itself.

I think this will probably be DH and I in 10 years time. His GP didn’t believe he wasn’t 18 at a recent appointment and he often gets mistaken for our DC’s big brother. He’s 40, but has a baby face. Even though I’m only 3 years older, and don’t look quite my age, I sometimes feel like people think I’m his mother. It has helped me boost my skin care routine and how I have my hair and clothes wise I dress trendy and come across as confident which makes a massive difference to people’s 1st impressions of us. In reality if they took a good look at DH’s face they’d see he has loads more lines than I do 😂.

Don’t you think the more realistic truth is that your husband has told these people that he’s your son ? Either out of being malicious or his warped idea of a joke?

That would make sense to me and give in with when he told you about a chap at work ALLEGEDLY calling you an old lady!

Your husband may well not have the best intentions.

You probably don't look much older than him facially and close up. It's more likely to be things that give the impression of being older or more youthful.

My mum is 3 years younger than my dad but he has been mistaken for her son a few times from a distance. My mum has always tended to be overweight and has always been quite a frumpy dresser (sorry mum) which made her look grannyish even in her 30s. She let her hair go grey (nothing wrong with that but a lot of women dye theirs at least in their 30s and 40s which I think helps maintain an illusion of youth from a distance) and had a "sensible" bubble perm that was probably fashionable in the 80s but looked dated after that. She also has arthritis which started getting bad in her 40s so she walked very stiffly and developed a limp which I think people associate with age. Facially she looked about the right age but people tend to have a quick look and make assumptions from "obvious" things like weight, hair, mobility, dress sense etc.

Meanwhile my dad was stick thin and very for and active, cycling everywhere . He has never gone bald and didn't go grey until late in life. Was outdoors a lot so usually had a tan which (ironically since it's actually bad for the skin) can look healthy and youthful.

I don't know if any of that applies to you but just a few ideas.

@Imnotlaughing I haven't voted OP because without seeing a photo of you it's impossible to say whether or not you're being unreasonable (but, of course, you absolutely must not post a photo of your face on a public forum).
I understand that these two people blind-sided you (albeit unintentionally) and with the first one you didn't feel able to say anything in the moment, but are you friendly enough with them that you would be able to have a 1:1 conversation with each of them and ask them how old they think you are? If you get a similar answer (e.g. they think your DH is 50 and you're 68) then you'd have your answer (and part of it would be that your DH looks younger than he actually is, so it's not all about you looking older than your age). If it wouldn't be appropriate to ask them, do you have a few close friends you could ask for their honest opinions?
The trouble is, what can you do about it now? The truth is we know that smoking, drugs, drinking and sun-bathing are all ageing when done to excess, but what 20-something has ever listened to an older (wiser?) person telling them they shouldn't do these things because they'll age prematurely? (None would be my guess.) I think unless you can afford a face-lift (and would even want one) you're just going to have to live with this OP. And if you're happy with the way you look, what does it matter what just three people think? These may be the only three people you've ever met who think this.

Edited to correct typo.

If you are outdoorsy it might be your skin is a bit weathered compared to other people.

Also I know someone who has always been mistaken as older than they are but they dress for comfort not style or fashion and you say the same so it’s possibly that?

I wouldn’t worry about it too much but put them right the next time you see them.

I went fully grey very early, so keep my hair dyed, as I think it can add an extra 10-15 years onto your perceived age! Strangely my sister (who is six years older than me) has not gone grey at all. I suspect I was just unlucky in the genes I inherited! I had my youngest dc in my early 40s, and was mistaken for the grandma a few times when they were in reception … it is very very galling. I think having a re-style, maybe of clothes / hair / make-up, will help re-boot your confidence. And you/dh should really have nipped it in the bud when the first neighbour made the mistake - as it is likely you don’t look old enough to be his mum, but the word has got round, and people are probably saying, ‘She’s his mum, wow - you’d never guess! She doesn’t look old enough - but neighbour x says he confirmed she’s the mum’..

I’ve never really been in to make up as I just never felt it was for me but I get that it can enhance looks and make you look more youthful. I noticed someone else made an interesting point. It is people considerably older than me making this mistake so maybe their perception is an issue? Also as I said they are parents to adult children themselves so perhaps so used to themselves being mum and son that they assumed we were too.

When you say you drank a lot and dabbled in drugs in your youth was this more a 'party a little too hard' level or an addiction level? Just wondering as recovering addicts often look older than they are, especially if it affected their teeth, giving that gaunt hollow face look that is aging?

No I don’t. Not for a second. How did you arrive at that conclusion?

Do you drink enough water? Might sound daft but I can really tell if I'm not hydrated enough, it massively ages me.

What absolute rubbish. Im sorry but this is just ageist bullshit. The idea that women over 50 should only have short hair is just laughable.

I am also 53 and a couple of years ago was taken for my mother's sister at a funeral we were both attending. My mum was at that time 88. Yes, you do a lot of looking in the mirror thinking WTAF. But there is no way you could look in your mid to late 70s OP unless you are heavily lined, completely grey haired etc.

Why what happens if you are past 50 and your hair hits your shoulders? Instant death?

Im sorry ,i would say people arent really looking at you.
If you walk with aids etc they may see the disability but not be looking at your face properly.
Just a glance and making lots of assumptions.
If DH or your bump into them see if you can refer to each other as husband or wife.
I very much doubt you really do look old enough to be your DHs mum.
IF you want to it may be worth investing in a good cut and colour, some new clothes, maybe your get eyebrows done, dentistry if needed or lightly applied make up? The above can make you look younger/ make a difference to peoples perceptions.
But only do things you want to do for you.
F**k everyone else!
My DH runs a lot and is tall and slim and when hes running people glance at him and think hes younger than he is!
A couple of people have mistaken him for our son!! Doesnt happen when hes not running thou and hes standing still and they look at him properly!
Could your DH not have thrown away the card or did you see it arrive.

There's 19 years between me and my son. A couple of people have awkwardly asked in the past if he's my partner, which is really embarrassing! Not because I look the same age as him, I clearly don't. I think the people asking would have thought it weird if we were partners but they just weren't sure. What I'm getting at is it's probably the less "awkward" option to presume you're his mum if people aren't sure. Big age gaps give a lot of people the ick but they don't want to offend. I'm aware you are more offended now! But they aren't to know that. Some people are also really crap at guessing ages. Your DH might look 10 years younger than you, for various reasons, but some people don't do the maths and just make assumptions.

Perhaps everyone who lives in your road has poor sight? That sounds a facile comment but they may just have got into their heads that a mum and her son live at number 75 and just go with that. They aren't actually looking at you properly or just are extremely short sighted.

I think a haircut and reshape would make a difference, look at the Golden Girls. they were only in their fifties but the haircuts they had made them look so much older. Definitely let them know you aren't his mum as well though!!

I can't fathom the colleague saying that to DH; I would assume he said "I saw you out with your old lady" which just means wife where km from. But if your DH misunderstood then laughed - then worse told you - he's a complete prick.

The neighbours is very unfortunate and the previous suggestions that a misunderstanding spread are possible BUT it's more likely he looks younger than he is and you look older than you are.

I can only think of one woman who has stuck in my brain as looking significantly older - of course she's not the only one but I noticed for a reason. I was pregnant at 40. Everyone in work congratulated me and gushed over the news, presumably as I'd had a lot of health issues prior to this. Nobody mentioned my age at all but I do look a little younger than I am (mid to late 30s then).

My colleague announced her pregnancy the same week and I remember a stunned silence then some laughter. The laughter wasn't nasty, it really did seem that she was being very deadpan funny saying there was more pregnancy news. The reason being she looked in the late fifties, early sixties. In fact she was a year younger than me.

She was understandably livid. She knew what age I was as we then had lots of pregnancy chats. She asked me if I'd encountered rude remarks from colleagues regarding age and pregnancy. I had to lie and say I had (I had not).

Now to tell you why we looked so different.

First the difficult but true stuff; I was fairly trim as I exercise a lot. I have pretty good skin and thick hair; good luck on my part re the skin but I also style and colour my hair. Hers was grey. Her skin was really really tired looking with huge bags under her eyes. I suspect she was deficient in something or other.

Now the easier stuff; as mentioned grey hair is very ageing. But she also wore no makeup at all and it made her look older. She frowned all the time and had bad posture. She wore a huge coat and lots of layers of muddy colours.

I'm not saying we should present ourselves in anyway we don't want to.

I'm saying that IF YOU WANT TO LOOK YOUNGER ONLY then do an honest appraisal; makeup,, professional hair, smiling, standing up tall and wearing fitted brightly coloured clothes can make a big difference.

But can I finish by saying that three people's stupid opinions are really not that important. They may be blind, nasty, daft or hitting on your DH. Who knows?

I've had similar to this, people think I'm my dad's wife!

What people think you look like is the bottom of the list in my world. I think it's more important what people think of your character. Please send cards back and say "from John and WIFE" haha

I know it's hurtful and I'm sorry 😞

It might just be behaviour, OP. Could it possibly?