What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

You might need to look at how you’re dressing. Lots of women early 50s are wearing wide leg jeans, decent trainers & a nice top. When you say you like comfortable clothing do you think maybe you dress older than your age? Is your hair cut nicely? Do you wear nice accessories? Might be time to have a bit of an over haul?

Feck em all!
Could be so many reasons for this including wrong information doing the rounds with your neighbours and unfortunately society being more used to seeing men with younger women.

I also think media can have an effect on this as we see more middle aged women on tv etc using fillers etc and looking younger than their years. I feel when we then see women in real life who choose not to artificially beautify themselves we un/subconsciously think they are older.

It's like grey hair and some comfortable clothes - we are getting better but still subconsciously think it's aging.

I also also think that middle age woman unfortunately age faster when peri /menopause hits where as men (the bastards 😂 ) don't have this for another 10 years or so and some like my OH are even aging better!

It might be hard but best thing is to think feck them all and try love your amazing body and yourself for all you have come through and especially please don't die your hair unless you want to ( I love grey hair at all ages).

You don't have to change your appearance! Some people look older, some younger. My DH has two friends close in age but a little younger than him. They both look older than him, one significantly so. It's easier for men than it is for women, but in no way do you have to change your appearance as a result of other people's weird assumptions.

Ageing can really mess with your head but more so if people make assumptions. I think sometimes we do have a very skewed idea of what middle aged or older women are supposed to look like. So it's not all just about you and your life experiences and how they show on your body and face, but also sometimes how people experience life through a filter and increasing use of cosmetic procedures. I work in a place where two of my direct colleagues, one the same age and one slightly younger than me, who use botox and lip fillers and I will of course look much more aged compared to them. Men don't really have the same societal skew. It is what it is.

Its easier said than done but try to work out how you want to deal with it if it happens again so you have a practical response. I would bet you look completely normal for a woman in her 50s who has seen life.

She’s actually 9 years younger than him. A substantial age gap but people seem shocked that’s she’s not 25 for some odd reason. If she had injected her face and dyed her hair they probably wouldn’t say that - I think it’s the lack of conformity to beauty ideals that throws them.

You seem very reluctant to accept that you do look older but if 3 unrelated people that do not speak to each other have said this then I think you do have to consider that something making you look a lot older than you are. What do you mean by 'comfortable clothes'? Because if you mean things like fleeces, 3/4 length trousers, walking sandals, sketchers etc then people will think you are an old lady. Also, you haven't answered if you are grey which probably adds about a decade on

I’m a few years older than my husband and look every inch my age. He looks much younger than he is. He grew a beard to give him some “gravitas”. It would still sting if people thought I was his mum so I completely understand.

I also wonder if hubbie has given out wrong info and wonder why he told you about colleague and didn't hide the cards with the wrong info. Seems a bit mean of him or that he gets some sort of even small kick out of it.

I think it could be clothes. Chuck out every single item in beige, cream and tan - wear beautiful colours.

I can't fathom the colleague saying that to DH; I would assume he said "I saw you out with your old lady" which just means wife where km from. But if your DH misunderstood then laughed - then worse told you - he's a complete prick.

I thought this too - why would your DH tell you this? It’s hurtful and bound to make you a bit paranoid.

Plus when the Xmas card came addressed to DH & Mum, he could have hidden it instead of showing it to you - doesn’t he want to protect your feelings?

If I was your DH I would have hidden the card, and then gone around to tell them thanks for the card but she is my wife, not mother.

Oops. I did this once. Newish neighbours; she in her fifties and he's early twenties. I told her her son was really nice and friendly😳. Turns out the "young lad" is 48!!! As is she but she looks it and he really doesn't.
So that might be your case @Imnotlaughing ?

Hi OP, I suspect it’s older people not paying much attention and DH looking younger than his age. You could always upload a photo to chat GPT and ask it to estimate your age?

Maybe you need a few more public displays of affection with DH?

That might change perceptions ... If they call the police on you, their views must be quite strongly held!

Argh OP don't do this. Don't go down these rabbit holes. Please keep your sanity.

This thought crossed my mind too for a few reasons.
Firstly because he told you a colleague called you an old lady - why would he repeat that back to you?
Secondly it's absurd to think you look so much older than him that various people have assumed you are his mother.
Thirdly, as they put DH & mum on the card it seems like they know his name/talk to him more than you. I've heard my DH talk to our neighbours and he'll say something like "my wife takes the dogs out in the morning..." so it makes me wonder how your DH is referring to you.

I'm also curious though about the way you act? Do you never hold hands down the street, or kiss goodbye on the doorstep etc?

Sorry I should have added, I’ve asked ChatGPT to estimate my age and it gave an accurate range, not a flattering answer 😂

char gpt tells me it can’t estimate people’s age from a photo

Do you wear sunscreen on these long walks OP? Skin damage can be caused by the great outdoors.

Also is your hair white/grey? I find people tend to assume that women with white/grey hair are all in their dotage because so many women dye their hair until then.

If you want to (you don’t have to) you could brush yourself up a bit - hair colour, prune your eyebrows (another major age indicator), a bit of Botox if you have heavy lines.

@Glowingup what did you ask it? I’ve just tried it - I attached 3 pictures of my face without make up and used the prompt “how old do I look?” It responded with 32-36 which is accurate.

So sorry OP. Is there anything chance your DH has told them your his DM? I say that for two reasons… a grown man and a woman living together, even if she looked 50 years older, I wouldn’t dare presume she was the mother. Seems odd for 3 people to be comfortable stating it as a known fact. Also, he handed you the card knowing how it would make you feel. I’d have thrown that shit in the bin!!! Maybe he wants you to feel old?

eta… and the guy at work saying he lived with an old lady? BULLSHIT! No one would actually say that, and any decent man wouldn’t dream of repeating it back to his partner. I have a firm feeling your other half is behind this OP.

To be honest a lot of people need to go to specsavers. Im always getting mistaken for a colleague who is 30 years younger than me. She's offended because I look 30 years older than her and Im offended because Im very slim and she isnt 😂

I also think your DH has something to do with this. It was my first thought. My exh would love doing this, as well as saying I had the voice of a man. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive and it took me years to actually realise this.
It is very odd that your dh hasn’t corrected people.

To add, I’m 58, don’t dye my greys, don’t wear fitted clothes and often wear walking gear while out walking my two dogs. No-one mistakes me for an older person in her 70s

I thought this too. He might just be a twit but he is not trying to boost you. Why he would give you that card? Is he a bit stupid? I’ve had some genuinely near evil boyfriends in my past but even they would have the decency to chuck it away and correct the neighbours before I found out!

and op, what does your husband think? Does he think you look a lot older than him and if so, why? If he’s just not very good at keeping his mouth shut he might just be the key to figuring out why this keeps happening.

also, you say you had drink/drug problems - are you able to completely look after yourself? Like as in I’m shit with skincare because, though I’m sober now, I still have some deep rooted lack of self worth - so I’m not great at indulging in skin care and stuff. It makes a difference. Although why I don’t know because men seem to just wake up and go and barely do anything - I guess they’re allowed wrinkles - now I think about it, you probably look exactly the same age and that’s why people think you are older. Same wrinkles, same age spots, same comfy fashion choices but his says to society ‘slightly weathered, 6ft 5 probably means 45-50’ and yours says ‘tired from life and tanned/skinny from walking a lot means retired and probably 65-70).

Sorry that was a working thought process.
I’ve come to the conclusion it’s sexism.
and your husband is either silly or mean.

I was asked if I was my friends mother, she's 7 years younger than me and I'm told I look young for my age. Do I you work, if not maybe they think you've retired and your DH may look or act younger than he is, so they think you must be his mother. Drop it out in conversation that he's your husband make a joke of it if you like and say you can tell who's had all the stress in our marriage can't you 🤣🤣 or maybe it's time your husband told them, they will probably feel terrible. A lot depends on what we do, how we dress, do our hair etc , if it worries you, take a look how others your age dress etc.