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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

490 replies

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 10:37

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 20/12/2025 10:39

Just say no. Sorry xxx but I don’t have any spare funds to help you

they don’t need to know any more than that

B1anche · 20/12/2025 10:39

Just 'No. I am not going to do that.'

You don't need to give reasons or she will come up with solutions.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 20/12/2025 10:39

You need to say no, unless you can afford to (and want to) give her the money as you’ll never see it again. She has no way of paying you back. She’s a CF. They both are

sorry for your loss

Namechange234567 · 20/12/2025 10:39

I'm so sorry for your loss. Today must be a tough day, so sending good vibes.

On your situation, I'm sorry but this is someone you've known for 22 years, but they're not your friend. A friend wouldn't expect this of you and treat you this way

EmeraldRoulette · 20/12/2025 10:40

I am really sorry for your loss

And I am shocked at the behaviour of your friend. I would probably tell her to have a word with herself. That is one of the most self-absorbed things I've ever heard on here.

she is not your responsibility. It is no one's responsibility but hers if she wants to go travelling.

I mean, just… What? The mind boggles.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 20/12/2025 10:41

Just say no. You don't have to give reasons.
I'm so sorry about your DH

Saz12 · 20/12/2025 10:42

I'm so sorry about your loss. Awful all the time I'm sure, but Christmas turns the knife a bit more.

You say "no" to your friend. Point out you haven't the money to do so, even if you would.

Talltreesbythelake · 20/12/2025 10:43

She is preying on you. This is awful behaviour on her part. Do you want to maintain this friendship? Don't feel obliged to reply, she should be feeling embarrassed to have asked you.

ThreeRandomWordz · 20/12/2025 10:43

I'm sorry for your loss. 💐

Like other posters have said, only give the money if you can afford to never see it again. It's really not on that they are treating you like a piggy back especially around the anniversary of your loss.

BennyHenny · 20/12/2025 10:43

I’m very sorry for your loss, and I’d be shutting your friend down unequivocally “I’m not in a position to support anyone one but myself following DH’s passing exactly three years ago today”.

Ella31 · 20/12/2025 10:43

Firstly, I'm sorry about your loss of your dh and today must be very hard. Don't give this friend a thought today, she hss taken enough of your time. Christmas is already very tough when missing someone. I've been in your shoes, except it was my twin babies, we buried them at christmas too and there were people who took advantage of offloading on us.

You absolutely shouldnt give her money, you are still in a vulnerable place, she should know better and to think she was wrecking your head while you were grieving. You simply tell her, you are sorry she is struggling but you arent in a financial position to help.

I hope you take some time today to do something nice for yourself xxx 🥰🥰

mbosnz · 20/12/2025 10:43

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The answer, regardless of how long she has been a 'friend' for, is no. Absolute, flat, no apologies, no equivocations, NO. It is a horrible imposition for her to have even put you in this position to begin with.

(If I was in your shoes, it would possibly be followed with, 'you're bloody joking, right? And do you even know what day it is for me today?')

PictureMeThus · 20/12/2025 10:43

Firstly, sorry for your loss, that must be incredibly hard.

Secondly, a flat no to your friend. I don't care how long you have known her you are not her financial support. You might end up needing that money for whatever happens, car breaks down, boiler dies. So no, you cannot do that for her.

Wishimaywishimight · 20/12/2025 10:44

I would reply "Were you drunk when you sent this? LOL" You would be daft to do this but I think you know that. Your 'friend' is a selfish, insensitive CF and I would distance myself - you are not her therapist.

I am very sorry for your loss, 3 years is no time at all when you are grieving.

meganorks · 20/12/2025 10:45

Honestly, I would just say 'no' and don't elaborate any further. Shuts down the need for any debate. If she is planning to quit her job 'a few months' could literally be any amount of time!

The absolutely audacity of expecting another friend to fund you for anything is insane! But to go travelling?! And, on top of that, the complete insensitivity about your loss.

PInkyStarfish · 20/12/2025 10:45

She is despicable and trying to manipulate you into giving her money because she thinks you’re a ‘rich widow’!

She may well have been a good friend over the years but she now thinks you’re a cash cow who she can tap for money.

She is a low life and her despicable behaviour does not deserve your kind friendship.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that it’s extremely disrespectful and distasteful to ask you for money and to never mention it again.

Musicaltheatremum · 20/12/2025 10:46

No. Just no. Financially you have to support yourself now. You may have had payouts on your husband's death but they are to support you over the years. Your bills don't have because you're on your own. You need to plan ahead. Especially retirement where 2 retired people are more than 50% better off than a single person.

I'm sorry for your loss. My husband died when I was 48. He left a lot of capital (pension and investments) but our monthly income dropped dramatically meaning saving was hard. I still had teenage children to support too.

You might want some time off yourself to travel, reduce hours for your sanity or just some time to reflect on your life.

Don't feel bad about not supporting her. You are number 1 in this scenario.

Today's a hard day for you. Took me 6 years to totally make peace with my husband's illness and death. Don't rush yourself.

Pollqueen · 20/12/2025 10:47

That's the bizarrest thing. Who asks a friend to support them for several months so they can kick back and travel/take time out. You don't need to give an explanation, just tell her sorry, you couldn't afford to do that

Hibernatingtilspring · 20/12/2025 10:48

Sorry for your loss, as others have said it's incredibly insensitive. Obviously you need to shut it down, I'd be tempted to comment something along the lines of 'in what world do you think it's reasonable to even ask me that'.

Cornishclio · 20/12/2025 10:48

I don’t think you should do either. You are in the early stages of grief and it is pretty insensitive of both to either ask for financial support or an investment just because your situation financially is ok because of your DHs death. Sorry for your loss but don’t be afraid to put yourself first.

alexdgr8 · 20/12/2025 10:48

This person is not a friend. She has been hanging around for years to see what she can get out of you inc support etc.
That is all she is.
A hanger on.
Say no without elaboration
And distance yourself.
Be unavailable. Don't reply.
All the very best to you.
I know Xmas is a hard time for many people.
Just do your best to get through it.

Bringemout · 20/12/2025 10:49

Your friend is insane. Just say “no I can’t do that”.

dontletmedownbruce · 20/12/2025 10:49

So sorry for the loss of your husband. This is my first Christmas without mine, and it’s painful.

Say to your friend that you’re not in a position to support her financially but you wish her well with her lifestyle changes.

HeadyLamarr · 20/12/2025 10:50

I'm sorry for your loss, and also @dontletmedownbruce 's loss. Firsts and anniversaries are tough.

Your friend is completely unreasonable and a CF to boot!

Brefugee · 20/12/2025 10:51

Don't be apologetic, heck, don't even be overly polite. Just say "why would you ask me such a thing. No"

and step back from the "friendship" (i would be deleting the voicenotes without listening tbh)

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