Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

Just say no I don’t have the spare cash. I said this to an online friend because I didn’t think I would ever be repaid.

I’m sorry for your loss .

reply "I’m sorry but no No I can’t there’s no spare funds available " .
say it as soon as possible give no other reasons .

the audacity of her wouldn’t we all like to go travelling!

The brass neck of this 'friend'!!! Any money that came to you from the tragedy of your husbands early death is there to secure your future, not fund some entitled fucker's travel jaunts. The fact that she even asked is outrageous. But I see you have been approached by other opportunistic people....you are going to have to grow a bit of a thick skin and be very firm with these users. because thast exactly who and what they are. regardless of how long theyve been in your life.

Categorically NO. Not a very nice 'friend'. I would block her messages and voice messages ~ you don't need friends like her. So sorry you lost your husband ~ Christmas, Birthdays etc are difficult times for you ~ hope you get through it.

Please be prepared for the moment she contacts you from some dodgy country overseas because she has run out of money so that you are not blindsided and caught on the hop like this. Someone asking for money beforehand to fund a foray across Europe or wherever, is easy to refuse and very different to someone contacting you begging for money because they are hungry, no accommodation, broke and alone in a foreign country. That's a whole new guilt trip there. If that happens tell her your imaginary millions are tied up in offshore stocks and take years to get out.

I am so sorry for your loss. I imagine you are completely nonplussed at such an outrageous request from a supposed friend. Given your later posts, she had savings all along, but she was shocking enough to lean on you. This is the sort of thing you might expect from a child, not a friend. In light of that I'm afraid I'd have to reassess this so called friendship, I'd keep her at arms length until you feel you might want to have a conversation with her about her unreasonable expectations from you and then I'd tell her that her asking for financial support at such a difficult time has irrevocably changed the dynamic of your relationship.

Commiserations. Look after yourself, she can sort herself out.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Now to your “friend”, I really don’t think you should even consider lending (giving) your friend any money, you’ll never get it back, if she has always wanted to travel in her later years she should have saved to pay for it. You do not need to give a reason but if you feel you need to you could say that you need to keep what little savings you have for a “rainy day”.

As I've said to others "never borrow, never lend, if you want to keep a friend"
Id just say I have to work full time to live, I havnt got loads of money. Maybe try saving for whatever it is you want to do. I had a similar situation and lent a friend some money (£500) for a couple of weeks, after 3 months I was struggling myself and had to ask her to pay it back, I felt really embarrassed to have to do that, but she was really "off" about it, as if I'd no right to expect it to be re-paid. It took 6 months B4 I got it back. It sounds like your friends think your sitting on a pot of gold, make out your struggling and you'll soon find out who your real friends are. Let her get a Loan if she's going to pay it back anyway, What's the difference?

Sending hugs darling. People are very clever when they want a way out and look for options. It’s very unfair and your “friend” has been very clever laying the foundations of a bad life, then testing the waters on you financially supporting her. That’s very different to a “I can’t afford to go for dinner” type scenario. You know the answer and many prev posts have executed the best response. No. With no explanation needed! Good luck in your future sending love.

Bear in mind, this is a person who lives in London in her parents' second flat paying minimal rent. This isn't someone who is hard up at all.

Oh well, there you are. She's used to being looked after and thought you might also like to step into that role. People can be so disappointing, but try to laugh about it a little bit if you can, OP.

NO! What a bloody cheek! This is not a good friend, she is a user and a chancer. I’d have no qualms in saying no.

I cannot believe you have two so called ‘friends’ who see you as a cash cow because you lost your husband.

These people are vultures. They should be looking to support you, not leech from you because they only see a financial gain in this situation and not what it is actually about - the loss of your husband.

I would cut the pair of them off. They both sound vile.

Honestly I would call time on this “friendship”. When she goes off on her travels block her and move on with your life.

“So glad to hear you are all sorted financially for your plans - always good to save! Have a lovely trip”

over and out!

No no no if she’s physically capable of looking after herself why can’t she, why should you support her whims? She obviously feels very entitled, she’s trying to take advantage of your situation when you’re most vulnerable. I don’t think she’s a good friend tbh, hope you have a lovely Christmas

It's a very weird thing to ask of a friend, no matter how long you've known them.

Just say no, and don't feel you need to give any explanation beyond that.If they weant to make it weird or to get upset, that's of their making, not yours.

No. Definitely not. If she wants to travel, make changes to her life it's down to her.

Op I’m sorry that your friend turned out to be a complete dick. I can’t believe someone would have such a nerve to ask you to bankroll them so they could go travelling. You are better off without a friend like this but I appreciate things all v upsetting especially right now. So sorry for your loss and that your friend has no sensitivity

Loan only, notaried contract, clear repayment terms, if not repaid: bailiffs. Not nice, I know, but anything else will be chaotic and destroy a long friendship. Otherwise: a small gift

@winterhaze

This!

I hope you get through today, and find the courage to tell your ‘friend’ where to go!!

Any words of support/empathy from her at this time for you? I have a feeling the answer is a no…

EDITED: I hadn’t read the OP’s updates. I see it’ll be a no to the request and friend did eventually manage a message of acknowledging the DH’s passing.

I wouldn’t even send this - saying “so glad to hear you’re sorted” implies that OP is somehow responsible for or involved in this being sorted - it sounds sort of like “oh good that’s all sorted before I got around to transferring the money” (or at least that’s how vultures I have known in the past would take it). It invites a follow up of “actually I’m not totally sorted can you help me out?@.

Better to ignore the conversation entirely and then either block or slow fade (depending on whether OP has mutual friends/is willing to officially fall out).

Just say no! Outrageous request.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Oh I like this idea! 😂

Sorry for your loss OP.

They may have masqueraded as such, but these people are NOT friends. A real friend wouldn't dream of doing this.

If your friend hates her job she could have found a new job rather than quit. I've been in jobs I hate. It never occurred to me to ask to sponge off a friend. Heck when my husband said not to worry and just quit I persevered until I found something else!

I recall a really similar thread to yours a few years ago. The "friend" ended up getting nasty as she bizarrely felt entitled to a slice of the money the OP had inherited through tragic loss of her spouse. It was disgustingly and baffling in equal measure. I mention the post as it ties in with your theory which I suspect is correct.

In your position, 22 years or not I'd quietly phase "friend" out as she didn't support you and she plainly doesn't have your best interest I mind. Only how she can fleece you within depleting her own savings (so cheeky!!).

In a nutshell. In particular leaving a voice message instead of coming to see you or face time is quite unpleasant. The interior designer, just a joke !