Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

I’m so sorry about your DH. I hope you manage to get through the day and do something that helps you get through the day.

As for your “friend”. If she brings it up again, i would just say that you can’t help. You don’t have to explain why.

I have DFs who I’ve known for years and we all have different incomes and responsibilities. I can’t begin to imagine what would be going on on my life to make me ask any of them for money.

It sounds as though she’s either asked at the bank and been refused, in which case you definitely shouldn’t gift any money. She just wants your money to spend how she likes or there is some kind of dependency going on like drink, drugs or gambling.

You can’t help and you don’t have to feel bad about it

She picked one because she knows it’s a vulnerable time for you. I’m so sorry x

Don't confuse the feelings of grief with your long term friendship. I'm sorry for your loss. Even if you weren't grieving, and even if she had been more supportive of you with this, this would still be an unreasonable request for her to make of you.

No

I’d be asking what in earth she was thinking and be very concerned that she needs to see her GP as her mental health must be in an very bad way to make such a strange request… to ask a friend to financially support you, as a married couple essentially. Very very odd. I think I’d have to tell her just how odd her request is, and how very rude it is, along with incredibly insensitive due to you being widowed and barely out of that grief.

This is a good response. What an entitled person, I wouldn’t want her as a friend anymore.

It’s another no from me.

Handhold for today.

No no no no no. You are not responsible for financially support anyone outside of children.
And 💐 for a hard time of year for you

Absolute hard no.

She’s taking advantage of you, the fact that you might be a bit vulnerable and/ or might have a bit more money than her. But you’ve lost your husband and work full time, any extra you’ve got needs to be channeled into your own healing/ saving for a rainy day.

Plus if you help her for a few months, where will she be at the end of it? Still in the same position. Much better if she sorts a longer term plan herself which doesn’t involve sponging off vulnerable friends. I would honestly never have considered asking someone to do this for me.

Great message. Points out she doesn’t give a fuck about you in a clear way.

Wow your friend is an insensitive piece of shit. I am so, so sorry for your loss. It's only been a few years, you are doing amazingly. If you have any spare money at all you should use it to pamper yourself through this monumental loss. Whether thats grief counselling, or having a holiday over the anniversary, or treating yourself to something. Thats yours. Any money that came from your DH passing is his gift to you, and he would want it used to benefit you. Say no to this friend. If needed and you feel able to, leave her a voice note opening up on exactly where you are emotionally, the kinds of thoughts and feelings that we have after loss. If that isn't enough to let her know never to intrude on your mourning like this again, then she is no friend.

I’m so sorry OP. She sounds like she thinks you’ve got a life insurance pay out and she’s preying on your vulnerability. No true friend would ever put you in this position.

She’s trying to take you for a kind mug, OP. Just tell her sorry, but all your money is either tied up or will be needed for bills/usual expenses.

And TBH I wouldn’t think of her as a ‘friend’, just someone you happen to know.

She’s no friend. Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss and to echo what others have said: this person is not a friend.

That is an outrageous thing to ask someone outside the family to do.

As a PP mentioned she is preying on you. She’s a parasite. Say no, and you don’t need to provide a reason. Just “No, I can’t do that.” I would end the friendship.

Do not share your feelings or financial priorities with her.
Do not include her in your interior life.
She is not a friend and does not deserve your confidences.
Just Say no.
do not apologise or explain.
And gradually go LC and then NC.

Not sure what sort of support you had in mind. I’m happy to sit down with you and go through budget, income, spend etc and help you come up with a plan. Fresh eyes can be really useful on somethings I know.
If you were thinking of a loan then afraid Im not in a position to be able to do that.
If want a budgeting session, xyz times/ days might work. Let me know.

Sending you so much love OP. Seems to me like she’s taking advantage of you at a vulnerable time. She needs to be taking responsibility for herself 💛

Does she think you've had a payout? I get that since I lost the bairn and could sue the NHS for it. People pop up sniffing the air briefly or hint that they're skint.

Tell her you can't afford to finance her and hopes she sorts something out. Just no.

No. And then no again. Unless you want to lose both money and friend.

Ask yourself one question, would this ever be reciprocated? You & only you are responsible for your day to day running of your life. Unexpected things happen & need fixing fast.
It has to be a no from me & sadly I think you will be vilified, we all know the cost of living today & next yr will be worse. Your money keeps you & only you from going over the edge, regardless of how much or little you have today, everyone is one is one second away from those dreaded words Clear your desk we are shut! & the money you gave away just may have been a saviour to yourself.

Oh come on travelling would be great for her…

But seriously you just need to tell her a firm no. Sorry for your loss 💐💐💐 She’s being so cheeky. I thought she was going to need the money for rent or something necessary. Most people want to quit their job and travel.

Reply by text “I was surprised by your voicenote, especially considering this is the anniversary of DH passing so you know that I am in an emotional state.”.

Say nothing else.

If you receive a fulsome apology (I had forgotten the exact date, I am so sorry, I was just thinking out loud but of course would never seriously ask you for this etc etc) then you may be able to maintain the friendship and still enjoy her company (if you do? It’s not clear), although I would keep an eye out for any further evidence of her being a user.

If you receive anything other than a fulsome apology then I would just drop her. Either block her and move on or if you have mutual friends or are likely to bump into her around your home then do a slow fade.

Please help/advise.

Don't do this.

Surely you don't need strangers on the internet to tell you this is a bad idea?

This. I'd send this. She's not really a friend.