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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

490 replies

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 10:37

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

OP posts:
HelplessSoul · 20/12/2025 11:42

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 10:37

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

I'd tell her straight to fuck off as she is a grabby CUNT.

Her lifestyle choices arent your concern - she showed you no compassion when you needed it - you should show her none now.

Seriously, tell her to get to fuck, then block her sorry fucking ass. Life is too short for fucking greedy cunts like this.

willowthecat · 20/12/2025 11:42

I would end this 'friendship' - we would all rather travel the world than work but why should she expect you to support her daydreams ?

OneFineDay22 · 20/12/2025 11:43

Wow. So sorry for your loss. Today must be a hard day for you.

I can’t believe your friend would ask this of you, and it seems like the acknowledgment of your grief was possibly an afterthought since you didn’t reply.

Of course you’re shocked. Your friend has no business trying to get you to take on her problems as your own. If you’ve known each other 22 years she should be well into adulthood and standing on her own two feet by now.

It sounds like she’s a drain, insensitively complaining and not listening to your advice. It wouldn’t be a big loss if this ended your friendship by the sounds of it.

PoppysAunt · 20/12/2025 11:44

B1anche · 20/12/2025 10:39

Just 'No. I am not going to do that.'

You don't need to give reasons or she will come up with solutions.

This ⬆️.
Do not give reasons, and whatever you do, don't apologise.
So many people on here suggest that as a default.

MrsPerfect12 · 20/12/2025 11:44

I’m so sorry for your loss. Did you get a life insurance pay out and tell those friends?
give no reasons for the no just say no. Any push back and say money is invested and cannot be accessed. Give as little information as possible and don’t ask questions to kill the conversation.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/12/2025 11:44

She's being really insensitive and fucking cheeky. She wants you to subsidise her to stop working and go travelling! If she needed some money in a dire emergency, I'm sure that you would help her. This request is really out of order.

I'd reconsider our relationship and would probably drop her as a friend. She obviously gave you no help or support when you were grieving following the death of your DH. She's obviously very selfish and self-absorbed. She would be no loss as a friend.

LumpyandBumps · 20/12/2025 11:44

I’m sorry for your loss. My DH died in 2023, so I can empathise.
I haven’t had anyone ask me directly for money, but some people seem to have a strange idea of widow’s finances.
As you and I know there is normally a sudden drop in household income, rather than an increase. All financial responsibility is now solely yours.
A ‘friend’ who expects someone in your position to work full time so she can swan around and ‘find’ herself - or whatever it is she wants to do, is not a friend that’s worth keeping.
One thing that being ( suddenly) widowed has taught me is that, aside from my own now adult children, I need to put myself first. We no longer have our DH’s to put us first.
Say no, if it ends the friendship then so be it, it’s worth the loss.

Charlenedickens · 20/12/2025 11:45

Op I know you can’t think about it today, but when you can, think through how it would go.

you gift her thousands and thousands to quit her job and go travelling.

she comes back. She can’t find a job, as you enabled her to quit in the first place, you then have to keep bank rolling her as its your fault in her mind, if you’d not agreed in the first place she’d not be unemployed.

it will go on for ever, she wants to live off you.

ignore her today, don’t thank her for the message on your husband, tomorrow just text her on your voice note the answer is no. Do not ask again.

id say just block but im guessing she knows where you live.

Millytante · 20/12/2025 11:45

What a tough time of year this must be for you; I’m so sorry.
Needless to say, this request must be swatted away, with no explanation necessary (unless it be to tell her what you think of her gall) .
You lose nothing if you never hear from her again.

Tomorrow is the Winter solstice, OP, and year starts turning towards the light.
I hope things start to feel brighter with you (and certainly lighter, without those leeches of all kinds who’d drain your reserves.)

Livpool · 20/12/2025 11:46

I am so sorry for your loss. She is exceptionally rude and cheeky, I’d be telling her to piss off

jeaux90 · 20/12/2025 11:46

So sorry OP hope you are ok. Your friend is a CF.

pumpkinpaste · 20/12/2025 11:46

No. Just say you don’t loan money to anyone.

Probablyshouldntsay · 20/12/2025 11:47

Block her

ThisJadeBear · 20/12/2025 11:49

She may have been there but she’s no friend now. Today is a very, very poignant one for you. It’s not long since you’ve lost your husband, it’s just before Christmas.
This ‘friend’ hasn’t even asked for something specific, it’s an open-ended agreement where she gets to live off the money you make from working hard and whatever your DH left you. Which is for you and your future.
She is absolutely despicable. Good friends are rare but nobody needs a friend like this one.
She doesn’t care about anyone but herself.
I wouldn’t even give her an explanation, I’d tell her no and ask for some space.
And I’d make that space permanent.
What a horrible, shitty thing to do.
So sorry for your loss.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/12/2025 11:50

pumpkinpaste · 20/12/2025 11:46

No. Just say you don’t loan money to anyone.

It's not even a loan that this 'friend' is asking for. She is expecting OP to support her financially while she goes travelling. She has no intention of paying it back.

ThisJadeBear · 20/12/2025 11:50

Probablyshouldntsay · 20/12/2025 11:47

Block her

That’s the best advice in two words.

Jacopo · 20/12/2025 11:51

My husband died in 2021.
Of course you must say no. Accompanied by words to the effect that you cannot believe that she would think of making such a request.
If she ever tries this again, cut her out of your life.

Fiftyandme · 20/12/2025 11:51

I’m so sorry about your DH passing away.

I think you need to step back from making any kind of decision on this for now to instead focus on what you need for yourself right now.

This is potentially a friendship ending decision either way, but if it were me I’d say ‘no’

custardcreme77 · 20/12/2025 11:53

OP, the whinging ‘friend’ is at liberty, any time, to take a career break / give up her employment to fulfill her aspirations to travel.

However, she’ll have to fund that lifestyle herself! If she puts as much effort into saving up and / or getting an extra job to finance her dream and ongoing commitments as she puts into the numerous whingy messages she sends you, she may get somewhere!

She’s got a flipping cheek!!

Dollymylove · 20/12/2025 11:54

I never fail to be astonished by the CFery of some people!!
A big fat no to your friend. If she wants to travel she can bloody pay for it herself!!

Calamitousness · 20/12/2025 11:54

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a massive hard No. I wouldn’t give support to family to do that either. It’s not like she’s been made homeless or jobless and wants to stay. She wants to have a lovely time on your dime. Hell naw!

Createausername1970 · 20/12/2025 11:55

Give it as a gift - if you want to. Never lend money to anyone, even a friend.

If they chose to pay the gift back, that's up to them and a bonus for you.

But you are not being unreasonable to say no. You are now solely responsible for your future financial security, so do not feel obligated to part with anything you don't want to.

Sorry for your loss.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 20/12/2025 11:59

Glad you've decided not to fund this. Lots of truth and good advice from previous posters.
Very old and wise saying "Neither a borrower or lender be".
💐 For a difficult time.

Ooodelally · 20/12/2025 12:00

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.

Your “friends” sound awful, grabbing, CF’s. I wouldn’t even dignify the more recent request with a response tbh. Let her stew on what a ridiculous ask that was…

Bayroot1 · 20/12/2025 12:00

I hope you have better friends than these grifters?