Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

[winterhaze]

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

So sorry for your loss.
I really can’t believe your friend even asked you, how bloody insensitive!
I would just reply ‘Sorry no, I am not now and won’t ever be in a position to help you financially’.

I wouldn't even ask my parents to financially support me. I'm shocked anyone would think it okay to ask a friend to financially support them. It's a whole new level if cheeky fuckery. I probably would have thought it was a joke and laughed if a friend asked me that.

This. I’m really sorry for your loss op. And the fact some ‘friends’ think you are now rolling in it and can exploit you.

My love, this isn’t the actions of a FRIEND!

and you know this on some level too.

be blunt. “No, I’m not going to do this for you”

repeat as often as required.

do not be afraid of letting this one go, she’s been appalling to you. This friendship has run its course.

of course, playing devil’s advocate here, she’s insensitive and a bit dim, if you are blunt, tell her that you actually find her repeated hints and brazen request absolutely ridiculous, maybe it’ll shunt her back into a semblance of normality, and your friendship can recover.

but if you pay up, she won’t ever pay you back, it won’t be a couple of months, she’ll extend it and and extend it and ask again and again

you will end up resenting her, hating her and you’ll be out of pocket.

I’ve heard other widows too complain of this. I too am so very sorry for your loss @winterhaze

Wow. Horrible that you have to deal with vultures circling on top of everything else.
I think maybe just don't even respond?

You say: 'I am not in a position to do that. I am amazed you asked.'
And get better friends. To have two who decide you are a cash cow because your husband died is pretty shocking.
Most of my friends are richer than me. I would never dream of asking them for a penny, and I know they would never ask me because they don't need to.

OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

I too would send BennyHenny's message - which is clear and to the point and actually a lot more polite than she actually deserves.

And if she comes back to you - as crass self entitled people tend to do, just send grey rock answers, no discussion, no details. You do not have to justify or explain your answer.

"Decision made - nothing more to be said"
"Conversation been had - nothing to add"

She had the gall and brassneck to ask - it is 100% OK to answer.

And quite right - you need to take no risks on behalf of anyone else, no obligation or need to support anyone else. Bloody hell - what a load of piranhas!

Sorry for your sad anniversary today, I hope you'll take extra special care of yourself today.

As for your friend, you have to ask yourself what she does to enrich your life. It sounds to me that she is a negative person who sounds off to you too many times with little regard to your own needs and feelings.. nobody minds the odd moan at times, but if it's pretty much the only subject, nah.

To ask for money 'for a few months' is also something no friend would ask of another. You know you'd never get it back too yeah? Please, I'd much rather you did something nice for yourself, go on a spa or something lush as a treat. You've had a rough time of it.

I would go so far as to cut them off completely, she's not your friend she's a hanger on keep your distance.

No no.
Not in a position to, I work full time because I need to.
That’s all you need to say.

Under no circumstances lend her money or entertain this nonsense. She’s clearly been envious and feeling aggrieved. She won’t maybe take it well but too bad. She ended the friendship not you as a real friend wouldn’t ask. If you lend her even a small amount you’ll likely not get it back. Simple: I got your message. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time just now. I can relate as it’s been tough navigating widowhood too. In answer to your request I trust you’ll understand that the answer is no. More than willing to help you in other non financial ways.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you manage to get through today as gently as possible.

She sounds selfish - she is being unreasonable for the voice notes alone! And not a good friend to you, and incredibly cheeky to ask this. Say no and distance yourself.

Even better 👆🏻

Ditto every other post.

Pretty much this. @winterhaze Just say 'no I can't, I do not have spare funds...' Do NOT give any reasons, as she will give counter-reasons why you CAN do it.

She is a cheeky cow. I mean really?! Assuming you're minted because your husband died. Even if you are, it's nothing to do with anyone else, and you don't have to support anyone.

I'm actually gobsmacked! I would find it hard to get past this with anyone who did this to me (especially after my husband died near Christmas,) and I have to say I would be giving her a VERY wide berth from now on. If she questions why you're avoiding her, tell her why.

Disgusting behaviour from her, what a grabby article she is! She will be asking you if she can move in with you next!

Sorry to hear about your husband too @winterhaze

I agree with the PP upthread. If the friend needed the money to cover a temporary emergency - boiler needs fixing/new fridge or similar then it would be different and you might consider it. Although these are the things most people would put on a credit card. You would be lending a defined sum for a defined purpose. However the reason your friend gives is far too nebulous and self indulgent. Giving up a job and going travelling is pretty self indulgent if you dont have the means. I would send a brief message back that you are not able to help and dont give a reason.

I imagine this will be fairly unanimous. So, she wasn’t much help to you over the years re husband and I’m guessing she isn’t taking time out to make sure you’re ok today? I imagine now you’ll lose the friendship anyway. If you give the money, you’ll be annoyed when she doesn’t give it back. If you don’t, she’ll drift away.

you need to say you don’t have it but would give if you did. Not that you should need to.

I hope you’re ok today and I’m so sorry for your loss

Tell her absolutely not and block her and spend time with other friends or make new ones. No friends would be better than someone who clearly thinks you’re a rich widow and that she deserves some of your money. Trust me your husband will be up there absolutely seething at the audacity. Honour his memory by removing this vulture from your life. Then take yourself off on a nice holiday to rub it in to her and never give her another thought again. Some people are just unbelievable, she needs teaching a severe lesson.

You must say no. This is ludicrous.

I cant even believe you're asking us - the answer is NO. This vague supporting her financially for months could mean thousands and thousands of pounds! why on earth would anyone agree to that for a good friend, let alone someone who has treated you poorly.

Come on OP- grow some balls and say no to this ridiculous request.

How awful for you
and no is the only answer

Well, she can jog the fuck on can’t she. What a wildly, outrageously, mind-bogglingly entitled and unreasonable request. Like others have said a decent person would never ask even their spouse or parents, let alone a friend, to throw money at them for “a few months” so they could piss about.

Just say no. If she wants a few months off she can save for it herself.

The only thing a real friend would be sending you today is a message saying they are thinking of you and missing your DH today, this person is not a friend.

This is not a friend. Sorry for your loss OP