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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend asking for 'financial support for a few months'...

490 replies

winterhaze · 20/12/2025 10:37

Hi. Looking for advice. My friend (who I've known for many years) is single. I am too - although; it is because my DH died (in 2022). Needless to say, it's been a rough few years - especially since he died around Christmas time.

A friend that I have known for 22 years was often complaining about the state of her life, which I must admit, I often found insensitive, given what I was going through in the early days of grief, but I guess she couldn’t relate to losing a husband.

She - for a long while now - has been leaving me voice notes about how much she hates her job, flat, life and wants to travel etc... I’ve offered practical/logical advice, but it always results in a week going by - and a similar voice note/similar topic again… the cycle continues.

Long story short, she asked me via a voice note if I would be willing to help her financially/support her for a ‘few months’. (My financial position is better than hers, but I am not ‘rich’). I obviously work FT (live on my own) etc… but I really feel taken aback by such a request.

She’s not asked for any particlar amount, nor said anything about what her plans are, how long she (I assume) would be out of work for…? Nothing beyond 'for a few months'. My suspicion is she wants to quit her job, cover her rent - and go travelling for a few months.

I think she thinks because my DH died, I would have had his money too as ‘play money’ despite my own income.

Another friend - who I was nowhere near as close to; asked me to invest in an interior design business she wanted to start… she is not an interior designer - and has had no experience in interior design. I immediately said ’no’.

However, this is someone I’ve known for 22 years. I don’t know what to do/say/think - it is also the anniversary of my DH’s passing today. Please help/advise.

OP posts:
Getdne · 23/12/2025 16:28

I am so sorry for you.
There is something so beyond ugly about preying on a grieving person.
When something similar happened a friend of mine she was so hurt, particularly as she just couldn't look the person in the eye again, her view of her changed forever.
Her ex friend tried to move on from it, but she couldn't, such was her disappointment.
She felt she just couldn't ever be relaxed in her company again.
There is a reason never to mix money and friendships.

Beentherecomeouttheotherside · 24/12/2025 11:06

Personally I think your friend's request is disrespectful - a very cheeky ask and crosses the line. Having done similar to you (and also for family), I never saw the money again and even after thinking we were close friends for decades, the friendship fizzled out and despite my efforts family do not bother with me.
It sounds as though she is emotionally manipulating you...

Beentherecomeouttheotherside · 24/12/2025 11:07

Getdne · 23/12/2025 16:28

I am so sorry for you.
There is something so beyond ugly about preying on a grieving person.
When something similar happened a friend of mine she was so hurt, particularly as she just couldn't look the person in the eye again, her view of her changed forever.
Her ex friend tried to move on from it, but she couldn't, such was her disappointment.
She felt she just couldn't ever be relaxed in her company again.
There is a reason never to mix money and friendships.

This!

Devora13 · 26/12/2025 12:26

You're not her parent and she's not a child.
If she wants to do this, she could work overtime if available,work a second job for a while, save up for herself.
And the added total lack of sensitivity around the time of year and your anniversary...well, how much has she been there for you, emotionally and practically, over those 22 years?
A friend got me a card recently "Thank you for saving me thousands on therapy over the years."
But they also have aspects which sound like your friend, stuck in a loop, repeating the same disillusionment over and over.
Maybe time to say "You seem to be stuck in a loop and we have discussed your options" (assuming you've explored with her what she could do, not just given advice?).
I think it would help you to take accountability yourself for fixing this, then you'll see you don't have to rely on others."
And add "I was particularly upset that you brought this up now without thinking about how things might be for me at this time of year."
Then create some distance, step back and don't be so available. If she starts talking about her problems, redirect and talk about how you're feeling, she if she even sticks around.

Not trying to tell you what to do do if course, just an idea and what I think I might do.

Lasnailinthecoffin · 26/12/2025 13:14

I'm so sorry for your loss and understand how today is very difficult for you.

My husband died three and a half years ago and I still have hard days, particularly around the anniversary of his death. It brings flash backs of the last few weeks that I was caring for him, and the night that he died, when I was all alone and going into shock.

Please don't entertain giving any, so called friend, any financial help, and that would be enough for me to block them on everything.

UncannyFanny · 26/12/2025 13:18

Definitely needs to support herself financially. Like everyone else has to.

Kimura · 26/12/2025 13:39

It's one think to ask a friend for money if you're in financial trouble, or to invest in your business...but I can't imagine what must be going on in a person's head for them to think it's acceptable to ask a friend to 'financially support them'.

outerspacepotato · 26/12/2025 14:12

Kimura · 26/12/2025 13:39

It's one think to ask a friend for money if you're in financial trouble, or to invest in your business...but I can't imagine what must be going on in a person's head for them to think it's acceptable to ask a friend to 'financially support them'.

It is NOT ok to ask a widow for money. Period.

A widow has just gone through a devastating loss and has gone from 2 incomes to one. They've had funeral or cremation and possibly burial expenses. They might have had income drains due to health care expenses. They still have a family to support on one less income and they're single parenting if they have kids.

No, it's not ok to hit up someone who's just had financial loss for money in any circumstances. Business, go to a bank for a business loan. Financial trouble, get a personal loan from the bank. If they can't get those, they're a huge financial risk and entitled and selfish.

IidentifyastheGrinch · 26/12/2025 14:19

Kimura · 26/12/2025 13:39

It's one think to ask a friend for money if you're in financial trouble, or to invest in your business...but I can't imagine what must be going on in a person's head for them to think it's acceptable to ask a friend to 'financially support them'.

It's never ok to ask a friend for money! Especially not a recently widowed friend

Kimura · 26/12/2025 14:24

IidentifyastheGrinch · 26/12/2025 14:19

It's never ok to ask a friend for money! Especially not a recently widowed friend

Obviously not someone who's been recently widowed!

But I wouldn't go as far as to say that there are no circumstances in which it's ok to ask a friend for money.

Kimura · 26/12/2025 14:25

outerspacepotato · 26/12/2025 14:12

It is NOT ok to ask a widow for money. Period.

A widow has just gone through a devastating loss and has gone from 2 incomes to one. They've had funeral or cremation and possibly burial expenses. They might have had income drains due to health care expenses. They still have a family to support on one less income and they're single parenting if they have kids.

No, it's not ok to hit up someone who's just had financial loss for money in any circumstances. Business, go to a bank for a business loan. Financial trouble, get a personal loan from the bank. If they can't get those, they're a huge financial risk and entitled and selfish.

It is NOT ok to ask a widow for money. Period.

Obviously...which is why I didn't suggest it was.

MO0N · 26/12/2025 14:31

OP, she's a grifter who thought you would be an easy mark because you're vulnerable due to bereavement.

outerspacepotato · 26/12/2025 17:09

Kimura · 26/12/2025 14:25

It is NOT ok to ask a widow for money. Period.

Obviously...which is why I didn't suggest it was.

You said

It's one think to ask a friend for money if you're in financial trouble, or to invest in your business..

It's the same thing. Your wording implied those situations are fine to hit up a widow for money and they're not.

Many widows are in financial trouble themselves.

See how you feel when your husband dies and greedy assholes are hitting you up for money because they have no intention of paying you back where defaulting on the bank would cause trouble or they're such a bad risk the bank says no.

Kimura · 26/12/2025 17:23

outerspacepotato · 26/12/2025 17:09

You said

It's one think to ask a friend for money if you're in financial trouble, or to invest in your business..

It's the same thing. Your wording implied those situations are fine to hit up a widow for money and they're not.

Many widows are in financial trouble themselves.

See how you feel when your husband dies and greedy assholes are hitting you up for money because they have no intention of paying you back where defaulting on the bank would cause trouble or they're such a bad risk the bank says no.

It's the same thing. Your wording implied those situations are fine to hit up a widow for money and they're not.

I didn't mention widows at all, what on earth are you talking about? I gave two hypothetical scenarios in which it might be acceptable for someone to ask a friend for money.

What a ridiculous leap 😅

See how you feel when your husband dies and greedy assholes are hitting you up for money because they have no intention of paying you back where defaulting on the bank would cause trouble or they're such a bad risk the bank says no.

You're arguing a point that hasn't been made. How odd.

Silverbirchleaf · 15/01/2026 13:50

@winterhaze out if curiosity, what was the outcome?

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