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Original poster

Reacting to DDs 3rd (self pierced) ear piercing

199 replies

edwinbear · 20/12/2025 00:25

Genuinely, don’t know how to react here. DD is 14, had her ears pierced at the end of Y5, a bit earlier than I’d have liked but lots of her friends did so fine. She looked after them well, all healed fine, no drama. I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to. It was a long shot, but she achieved it, and whilst I’m not thrilled at multiple ear piercings (especially as a Y7), I promised, so OK.

She’s been nagging for a 3rd set for about a year, and it’s been a hard ‘no’. 2 is plenty for a 14 year old. I’ve told her she can have all the piercings she likes once she’s an adult, but for now, 2 is sufficient. We’ve just driven 9.5 hours to my in laws, and at dinner, she’s uncovered her 3rd ear piecings as we sat down to eat. This is quite deliberate on her part as she knew I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of her (elderly) grandparents. It turns out she did this herself, with ice numbing her ear lobes, using a safety pin. She undertook this about 6 weeks ago when she broke her finger, because she had 6 weeks off sport and knew she would need to leave earrings in for 6 weeks, so a perfect time frame for her. She’s a netballer, where all jewellery needs to be removed to play so an ideal opportunity for her.

I’m furious. She was told no 3rd set, she’s pierced herself with all the infection risk that entails. She ‘announced’ this at a family dinner where I couldn’t really interject without making everyone feel uncomfortable. DH thinks it’s not a big deal. She has hidden it for 6 weeks, we didn’t notice (which is true), and there are much worse boundaries she could be pushing. Do I tell her to take the things out or leave it be?

OP posts:
Cat1504 · 20/12/2025 00:31

My DD just got her 3rds ….was told to leave them in 6 months….as they are higher up the ear they take longer to heal and more infection risk….I think at 14 I would be picking my battles

CombatBarbie · 20/12/2025 00:33

Christ you'd hate my 13yr old, shes a good few in each year self pierced. The ones shes had done professionally were her 1 and 2nds, helix and tragus.

She, your DD, may have gone against you but she is 14. Her body, her choice. Prime time for finding her own identity etc.

Now if youd come on and said shed self tattood, id 100% be on your side.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 20/12/2025 00:35

How did you not notice she’d pierced her ears for 6 weeks? It sounds like she’s looking for attention, and likely for good reason.

Id go with boring punishment. Maybe a week without socials. But ultimately I think you’ve dropped the ball by not being close enough to notice.

WilfredsPies · 20/12/2025 00:36

Fair play to her, she’s played you like a fiddle.

I think that if third piercings are the worse thing she’s doing at 14, then you’re doing quite well. I’d let her keep them. If you tell her to take them out, she’ll only ignore you and you can’t watch her every minute of the day. But, I do think there needs to be some consequences to her doing it, and hiding it for six months. Otherwise a hard no becomes a yes if only she can manage you properly. And it would seem she’s quite good at that.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 20/12/2025 00:37

Also, “her body her choice” is bullshit when it comes to children. You’re her parent and responsible for her.

EarlNeedsAHome · 20/12/2025 00:38

@CombatBarbie at 14 she's a child and her brain is not fully mature. How far would your 'her body her choice' go?

JFDIYOLO · 20/12/2025 00:39

The fact nobody noticed may be key here.

CherrieTomaties · 20/12/2025 00:40

I’m team DH!

justpassmethemouse · 20/12/2025 00:41

JemimaTiggywinkles · 20/12/2025 00:35

How did you not notice she’d pierced her ears for 6 weeks? It sounds like she’s looking for attention, and likely for good reason.

Id go with boring punishment. Maybe a week without socials. But ultimately I think you’ve dropped the ball by not being close enough to notice.

What has social media got to do with ear piercing?

GKG1 · 20/12/2025 00:42

It’s hard to answer fully without context. Like pps say, what lengths did she go to hide this? How was it not noticed? But my first instinct is, there could be much worse things.

whoosit · 20/12/2025 00:42

For me it would be more the risk of piercing herself. If she'd really wanted them done I'd have talked to her and probably arranged it as a Christmas present or something. I'd be worried this becomes a thing now and she randomly tries to pierce herself again and gets an infection.

NuffSaidSam · 20/12/2025 00:45

I'd be tempted to completely ignore it. Completely. Just never mention it.

I think she's looking for a reaction and I wouldn't reward her with one. It's done now so there's no going back. I'd be bored with it.

She's not expecting that response so it will give her something to think about as well.

Frogbear · 20/12/2025 00:45

I got my second ear piercing at 10, third at 13 and did a fourth one myself with a needle and ice. It’s a typical teenage thing to do!

Now in my late 30s and the only piercing that has closed up is the one I did myself, so there’s still hope for you OP!

Original poster
edwinbear · 20/12/2025 00:46

I think what she’s done (in terns of us not noticing) is wear earrings in her first set, leaving set 2 with just ‘holes’ and wearing set 3. So still only 2 sets of earrings. It’s dishonest and manipulative. And she bloody knows it wasn’t allowed.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 20/12/2025 00:49

I wouldn’t punish her, that would be ridiculous and solve nothing. You need to focus on connnection over correction at this age; you need to transition gradually during the teen years from an omnipotent authority figure to a trusted guide. You want to be the parent she comes to when she’s thinking about doing something like this, not the parent she hides it from. You’ll need that trust and open dialogue in the years ahead.

InterIgnis · 20/12/2025 00:50

JemimaTiggywinkles · 20/12/2025 00:35

How did you not notice she’d pierced her ears for 6 weeks? It sounds like she’s looking for attention, and likely for good reason.

Id go with boring punishment. Maybe a week without socials. But ultimately I think you’ve dropped the ball by not being close enough to notice.

Speaking from experience - beanies, scarves, and carefully styled long hair all help hide illicit ear piercings.

Been there and done that as a teenager. My DIY kit consisted of gloves, piercing needles and clamp ordered via my friend’s eBay account, and some isopropyl alcohol.

Original poster
edwinbear · 20/12/2025 00:53

whoosit · 20/12/2025 00:42

For me it would be more the risk of piercing herself. If she'd really wanted them done I'd have talked to her and probably arranged it as a Christmas present or something. I'd be worried this becomes a thing now and she randomly tries to pierce herself again and gets an infection.

This actually bothers me most. She wants her belly button pierced. Absolutely not in hells chance is this happening at 14. But now she’s done her ears, (and got away with it) what if she tries that? I actually have my own belly button pieced, but I was 25 and not worn anything in it for years. But looking after that was a completely different ball game.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/12/2025 00:57

I wouldn't be happy with this. The further up the ear the longer it takes to heal. I got an infection in my helix piercing, was a bit tender by the morning and I had cellulitis by the evening and was feeling awful, 111 ended up sending me to a and e. Doing it yourself , with you not being aware, could have had serious consequences and I wouldn't be very happy about the manipulation and you having to hide your reaction- im sure she wouldn't have liked it if you did something similar to her infront of her friends

Original poster
edwinbear · 20/12/2025 00:59

InterIgnis · 20/12/2025 00:50

Speaking from experience - beanies, scarves, and carefully styled long hair all help hide illicit ear piercings.

Been there and done that as a teenager. My DIY kit consisted of gloves, piercing needles and clamp ordered via my friend’s eBay account, and some isopropyl alcohol.

Edited
Show quote history

Did it not hurt though?! Sure it must really hurt sticking safety pins through your ear lobes.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 20/12/2025 01:02

edwinbear · 20/12/2025 00:59

Did it not hurt though?! Sure it must really hurt sticking safety pins through your ear lobes.

Show quote history

It hurts less than the gun, in my experience. It’s perfectly possible to do it safely and hygienically

user1473878824 · 20/12/2025 01:02

I’d be furious but at this point, not a lot you can do about it. And look, it could be worse, you could be my mum: I turned up at home one day aged 14 with my nose and lip pierced.

Roopdedoop · 20/12/2025 01:03

I think I was a teen when I got my belly button pierced…. Nobody can see it so I don’t think I’d mind my DD doing that at 14. Would prefer it was done professionally than she attempts a botch job though herself……
I’d discipline another way though other than making her take them out as she’ll probably do it again and end up with scar tissue etc.
as someone else said it may be about picking battles here.

InterIgnis · 20/12/2025 01:06

edwinbear · 20/12/2025 00:59

Did it not hurt though?! Sure it must really hurt sticking safety pins through your ear lobes.

Show quote history

Surprisingly, not really! There’s a pinch, but it’s over and done quickly. Pain wise, it’s pretty minor imo.

tbf I didn’t use safety pins though.

CrikeyMajikey · 20/12/2025 01:06

I’d be pretty cross about this OP. My DD17 has her 2nds done a couple of years ago and her belly button but I am drawing the line at her helix. I’d ground my DD for a month for going against my wishes, lying and being deceitful.

IAmKerplunk · 20/12/2025 01:19

Oh god I really want to be on your side op and be angry for you but this thread has made me smile 🙈 sorry. I love a gutsy teen though - and although I wouldn’t be happy about her piercing herself at least she did it a time when she was off netball! I’ll be honest - if you allow one - two piercing per ear I don’t really understand why you don’t want a third.

The lying and deceiving would piss me off but I would still be silently impressed at their gumption. Sorry - no help at all.

Re the belly button - definitely discourage her doing that herself (or any other body parts other than ears) and most decent piercing places would not do it on a 14yr old but in the grand scheme of things discussing with her about more piercings when she is 16 is not the worst thing.