Reacting to DDs 3rd (self pierced) ear piercing

[edwinbear]

Genuinely, don’t know how to react here. DD is 14, had her ears pierced at the end of Y5, a bit earlier than I’d have liked but lots of her friends did so fine. She looked after them well, all healed fine, no drama. I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to. It was a long shot, but she achieved it, and whilst I’m not thrilled at multiple ear piercings (especially as a Y7), I promised, so OK.

She’s been nagging for a 3rd set for about a year, and it’s been a hard ‘no’. 2 is plenty for a 14 year old. I’ve told her she can have all the piercings she likes once she’s an adult, but for now, 2 is sufficient. We’ve just driven 9.5 hours to my in laws, and at dinner, she’s uncovered her 3rd ear piecings as we sat down to eat. This is quite deliberate on her part as she knew I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of her (elderly) grandparents. It turns out she did this herself, with ice numbing her ear lobes, using a safety pin. She undertook this about 6 weeks ago when she broke her finger, because she had 6 weeks off sport and knew she would need to leave earrings in for 6 weeks, so a perfect time frame for her. She’s a netballer, where all jewellery needs to be removed to play so an ideal opportunity for her.

I’m furious. She was told no 3rd set, she’s pierced herself with all the infection risk that entails. She ‘announced’ this at a family dinner where I couldn’t really interject without making everyone feel uncomfortable. DH thinks it’s not a big deal. She has hidden it for 6 weeks, we didn’t notice (which is true), and there are much worse boundaries she could be pushing. Do I tell her to take the things out or leave it be?

As i explicitly said.....if she had tattood herself it would be a completely different story.

She may be a child, she also has automy on her own body.

You would ground your 17yr old for piercing her helix? 😂

I would definitely have a firm conversation about the way she chose to reveal because that is actually the most telling of all. Attempting to humiliate you in front of grandparents is callous and manipulative. The 6 week mark is significant because in her mind now they won’t heal up so she’s won. She might find this is not the case, DD19 is also a netballer and has all sorts of issues with her nose piercing after just a couple of hours even 2 years later. Make sure she has some antiseptic spray available.

I think you have to deal with the child you have not the one you would like. If she is going to do whatever the hell she likes for the next four years then your focus probably needs to be on harm minimisation and connection. As a PP said this could have gone very wrong if it had become infected and she was more interested in keeping her secret and avoiding your rules than seeking help. If you extrapolate that to underage drinking, drugs, sex etc it could be disastrous. So I would be talking to her about how to stay safe and that your main priority is her health and well-being. For some kids harsher rules just result in more sneakiness.

FWIW my friend’s DD was very like this, including a self tattoo. She’s now a delightful and successful young adult. My friend chose to pick her battles.

I did the same at the same age! I just liked how it looked and my parents wouldn't let me. I wasn't a rebellious teen at all. As for infection risk, it was the first piercing that got infected after I wore cheap earrings and I haven't been able to wear earrings for decades. It's not the end of the world OP.

My teen came down the stairs a couple of months ago with not one, not two, but 3 CARTILAGE piercings in each ear that she had done herself with a sterilised sewing needle. I hit the roof, but explained the risks of doing it yourself. I also messaged a piercing studio with the exact scenario. They messaged back explaining the risks/issues that may occur, but did say call in and they would asses - lo and behold they all disappeared as fast as they had appeared.

I would recommend doing the same, getting the advice of a piercing studio, even asking them if you could call in with her to check them out. There are bigger hills to die on with a 14 year old to be honest and if her ear isn’t going to fall off on the advice of a piercing professional, I’d allow her to leave them as is.

I couldn’t get too worked up about it.

My DD has 2 ear piercings and belly button. I think she was year 5 with first set of ears, year 7 for second set and then year 10 for belly button. She plans on getting ears done a 3rd time this summer.

I said yes each and every time on the condition that she gets them done with me and I choose the piercing studio and only using a needle and not a gun.

I don’t really see what difference it makes if they get pierced when they are a teen or when they are an adult.

What a horrifying idea
At 14 she is well old enough to know her body and her choice with it

"Her body, my choice" for a teenager is worrying

She's 17 🤣🤣🤣🤣

If you hadn't been so insistent that she couldn't have it done, she would have been able to go with you to a proper piercer and get it done properly

She wouldn't have had to approach revealing it in such a way she knew would force you to accept it

She obviously thought it through with the timing etc. That shows she understands how her piercings can effect her sport and vice versa. Which is mature and sensible.

Also, she had them for 6 weeks and you didn't notice them.. kind of proves that they don't really matter 🤷‍♀️

Imagine trying to ground a 17 year old as it is

Let alone for getting a piercing

She's 14, experimenting. Unclench FFS.

I grounded my 17 yo for almost a week at the start of November and it’s not that hard despite dd being very stubborn and strong willed. It was very much for her own protection btw.

I don’t think you can get her to take them out, she will just put them back in again and risk infection so I think it’s a bit of a fait accompli. I would give a consequence though because if you don’t, it’s making things harder for yourself once she hits 15/16/17. Teens need a lot of parenting. It’s not about her body her choice as some people are saying, it’s about going against you. If she were 16, I’d say you have no say. But it needs to be done quickly so grounded this weekend for example and sitting and showing her some pictures online of post home piercing infection. And get your dh on board.

My dd’s friend pierced her belly button at 16. Her mum went nuclear and said she was devastated because she’d betrayed her. So there are some parents, who don’t agree to things even at that age.

Ask yourself what are you really cross about? Is it the lack of respect? You feel the control slipping? A 3rd earring isn’t that big of a deal so what’s driving your upset? Reflect on that

Remembering myself at this age (and I have five piercings in my right ear, four of them done by myself with a sterilised sewing needle) what was problematic for me is my parents not actually giving a good enough reason as to why I wasn't allowed something.
Allowing two piercings but not three is absolutely arbitrary. Not being allowed "because I said so" is not a convincing reason for a teen. What were your actual concerns? And were these concerns rooted in logic?

And just to reassure you, I grew up a perfectly functional adult ...but I still don't accept reasons for why I am not allowed to do something if these reasons are not rooted in logic. Which served me surprisingly well in my professional life.

I was 15 when I pierced my own ears several times, it really doesn't hurt that much. I don't know why you're being so controlling over her ear lobes. Have a sensible conversation with her about aftercare and risks and explain why a body piercing is very different to a lobe in terms of risk and healing. By being so rigid you're pushing her to do more risky things.

She's 14. Going against her parents when her parents are being unreasonable and arbitrary isn't wrong of her. Teens need parenting but that doesn't mean throwing your weight around to prove you can. Parenting a 14 year old means respect and compromise and being open about your decision making and why you are saying no to X or Y. Because I said so doesn't cut it with teenagers and that's what OP is trying to do.

I don't know really, piercing isn't really something I'd get too worked up about. I have boys and they so far haven't been interested but I've sort of had the rule that piercing is a battle I wouldn't fight. My friends and I had all sorts of piercings when we were younger and you couldn't tell on a lot of us now (some have kept them)

Also 3 ear piercings isn't exactly an extreme look is it ?

Also, why so opposed to the belly button? It'll be covered at school and a lot of the time and if she likes it, it doesn't really affect you?

I just think you're policing her body a bit much based on your preferences.

i hope she sterilised the safety pin
i used a needle myself

Jesus Christ. This is genuinely appalling.

No help on the existing piercings OP but if you’d rather she didn’t get her belly button done (especially by doing herself) I’d suggest you put something back in yours’ and start showing it off!

I can’t imagine anything will put her off the idea faster than her mum having one!

I did my second piercings at 14 with a friend and ice cubes, no needle. Just straight through with the stud (the kind that you put in the piercing guns). I kept them hidden until after I was 18. My parents would have gone berserk, I wasn’t allowed my first ones, done properly until I was 13. I had my helix done in the market at 16, but it never healed properly and was always sore, so I took that one out.

I still have those second holes, still uninfected, over 40 years later, with two diamonds in each lobe.

For me with strict and prudish parents, second holes in 1980 is equivalent to third in 2025.

I would let this go tbh, I don’t actually think it’s a big deal.

My DD went through this phase in her teens! She wanted piercings all over the place! Knowing if she was anything like i was at that age i simply let her do it! The only hard no was anything on her face that couldn’t be hidden ( so no eyebrow etc) she did have her septum done but that could be pushed up and hidden. She is now 25 with two ear piercings and a tiny nose stud! I really would pick your battles op, she could be into far worse things as a teenager.

I’ve only got a 2yr old but from when I was a teen, my parents in this scenario wouldn’t focus on the actual act (the ears are pierced, it’s done. You could make her take them out but she could just do it again) but would have had a long and firm chat about trust, honesty and the consequences of not behaving in a way that valued those in the family. There would have been consequences, so the next time I wanted something that required me to be trusted (perhaps going into the big city with my friends), it wouldn’t have been allowed because I’d lost their trust. If you don’t want the action you can still have the conversation about why it’s important you can all trust each other and how honesty is key to that.

Getting a piercing that your parents don’t want you to have is almost a rite of passage. Or it was when I was 14. I expect many of us did it and it turned out fine.

Be annoyed with her dishonesty and let her know you’re upset, but put it into perspective. She’s a good kid who works hard enough at school that she got a scholarship and she’s savvy enough to get what she wanted without causing any major damage.

Do your own OP. Tell her you think it looks so cool you’re following suit.

Teenagers are infuriating, they really are and I totally get it’s the lack of respect and the deceit and manipulation. Good luck, I feel your pain.