Reacting to DDs 3rd (self pierced) ear piercing

[edwinbear]

Genuinely, don’t know how to react here. DD is 14, had her ears pierced at the end of Y5, a bit earlier than I’d have liked but lots of her friends did so fine. She looked after them well, all healed fine, no drama. I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to. It was a long shot, but she achieved it, and whilst I’m not thrilled at multiple ear piercings (especially as a Y7), I promised, so OK.

She’s been nagging for a 3rd set for about a year, and it’s been a hard ‘no’. 2 is plenty for a 14 year old. I’ve told her she can have all the piercings she likes once she’s an adult, but for now, 2 is sufficient. We’ve just driven 9.5 hours to my in laws, and at dinner, she’s uncovered her 3rd ear piecings as we sat down to eat. This is quite deliberate on her part as she knew I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of her (elderly) grandparents. It turns out she did this herself, with ice numbing her ear lobes, using a safety pin. She undertook this about 6 weeks ago when she broke her finger, because she had 6 weeks off sport and knew she would need to leave earrings in for 6 weeks, so a perfect time frame for her. She’s a netballer, where all jewellery needs to be removed to play so an ideal opportunity for her.

I’m furious. She was told no 3rd set, she’s pierced herself with all the infection risk that entails. She ‘announced’ this at a family dinner where I couldn’t really interject without making everyone feel uncomfortable. DH thinks it’s not a big deal. She has hidden it for 6 weeks, we didn’t notice (which is true), and there are much worse boundaries she could be pushing. Do I tell her to take the things out or leave it be?

She’s a teen. She’s not the first to do it and won’t be the last.
Quick chat that you are disappointed in what she did and how she revealed it and that your main worry is infection.
Id also ensure she realises that a DIY job on an area with cartilage (incase she has plans!) could go badly wrong and she could end up with a keloid. Google some to show her.
Not much else you can do really, it’s done now.

I had nine at that age, rarely have more than one in each ear now and you can’t see the others unless they have something in. Definitely a case of pick your battles.

She pierced her own ear. Why should she respect her mum's wishes around her own body above her own? Deceit and manipulation, really?! I'd hate to see how some of you mums react to a real problem.

Christ, i was going to pubs when I was 14 and getting served. Shes not 6. What exactly makes you so angry about this? Her doing something you didnt initiate? I think its probably time to get some interests of your own and stop living through her, shes likely to ditch the netball at some point. Then she can get as many piercings as she likes.

At 14 I would consider her old enough to decide for herself if she wants multiple ear piercings. I'd have let her, and made sure it was done safely.

In terms of how you move forward I would have a chat with her where you say you're not thrilled that she lied or that she did it herself (because of infection risk etc) but that you recognise that at 14 she's old enough to decide for herself what to do with her own ears.

I did this many times as a teenager and am a perfectly normal and boring adult today. It didn’t hurt and I never got an infection. My belly piercing got done at a shop did get infected a lot before I gave up on it and got a tattoo to cover the scar.

I have a 13 year old and some classmates were piercing each other in the school toilets with a piercing gun from Shein. My daughter was mostly confused so we had a long talk about safety and sterilising and not sharing needles for any reason. I promised I’d take her and pay if she wanted anything at any point as I’d so much rather her stay safe.

If she came home with piercings we’d have a serious conversation about safety but I wouldn’t make a huge drama over 2 versus 3 holes in her ears.

Really, your DD is 17. My dd13 has 2 lobe piercing and one helix. She is desperate for 3rd lobe piercing so I am taking her on Tuesday.

Honestly at 14 I would pick your battles and work on building bonds and communicating rather than punishment. Have a calm talk with her about infection risks with self piercing

Don’t be ridiculous! If she has thick long hair it’s very easy to keep your ears covered up.

Then she needs a punishment

I did this exactly. And tattoos when I was 18. I don’t regret it and my parents were horrified both times but didn’t make a big deal which was the way to go. It wasn’t about them.

Why?

Let her self express while she’s young and she’ll get over it by the time she’s an adult. Teenage rebellion and all that. Although I had my nose pierced at 14 and still love it at 31.. but I’ve taken out all the other ones 😁

It‘s not ideal but I’d be relieved it’s nothing more permanent. She knew you’d said no and she went ahead anyway so there’s most likely an element of wanting to rebel a bit tangled into all this. As hard as it is, the more you react to it, the more likely she is to keep trying to push those boundaries.

My biggest worry would be that she tries to do another piercing herself, especially on a navel. I’d spend some time with her researching the risks together, looking at photos of jewellery together, researching reputable establishments locally to get it done. It’s funny how often things seem less cool when mum suddenly takes an interest in it!

If she really wants it she’s probably going to get it done with or without you. At least if you have a hand in the process you have some control over it. If she ends up going behind your back to the type of place that would pierce a 14 yr olds navel without a parent/guardian she’s putting herself at quite high risk of infection.

Why do you care so much about ear piercings? It’s really not the hill to die on.

I have 20 in my ears - some done by gun, some by needle and some I did myself at home (including the three most recent ones). None of them have gotten infected and I’ve never had a single issue 🤷‍♀️

She is pushing back and hoping for a reaction. Just say 'that looks nice' or similar, smile and change the subject.

If she has autonomy why do you regard a self tattoo any differently to a self piercing?

With this sort of thing I’d always agree and get it done safely as she was lucky she didn’t get an infection. I don’t think 3 is excessive and she showed common sense getting it done when she had a 6 week healing window.

I always wanted 2, my mother said no as ‘girls with more than one set of earrings have teenage pregnancies’ and she made reference to the girl in my year who had 2 and had lots of boyfriends (we were 15).
Imagine her shock when I had a baby at 18 with just one set of earrings and the girl who had 2 is now 45 and has no dc ! So her theory wasn’t correct 😂😂😂

Now I want to get that second set again !

Because a piercing is not permanent and if self pierced less likely to look shit unlike home tattoo which is permanent and more likely to look shit. Surely that doesn’t need explaining?

I think just relax and let her have her piercings. Better you supervise them being done professionally rather than her risk self piercings. What do you fear is going to happen from her having piercings?

You’re entering into a battle here in trying to break her will and assert dominance. You have the daughter you have – one willing to pierce her own ears and choose that manner to reveal it – so you need to be working with her on how she handles her autonomy or you may very well likely find that her sense of rebellion will strengthen simply to counter your ‘no’s.

I totally get the differences it was more the sliding scale of autonomy that must apply I was wondering about.

If the poster feels the 14 year old’s bodily autonomy is the most important then where would that poster draw the line. Self piercing ears is OK, tattoo is not. What about self piercing nipples or getting a tongue split? If an adult has capacity then they are free to make what others might perceive to be bad decisions. Where, if anywhere, does bodily autonomy stop for this 14 year old?

I did the exact same thing at the exact same age.
Except I used a frozen potato and a hat pin.
And mine were absolutely not straight, but I still wear earrings in them.
I can't say I'd get too worked up over it, she obviously kept them clean and they've healed well.

Agree some kind of punishment for going against your wishes but I wouldn't over think it. One day it will be one of the family stories you joke about.

Imagine in 30 years:
'Ha remember when I was a rebellious team and pierced my ears and you took my phone off my for a week.'..... 'i know! - still can't believe you did that, not as funny now your own daughter wants that tattoo is it... ..'
(You get the idea)

We all pierced our own ears at that age.

She's 14 and i think old enough to make her old decisions about her body as long as its nothing permanent like a tattoo.

I don't think its morally right that you get to decide how she chooses to express herself on her own body as long as she is in no danger or risk of any harm or long-term regret.

You says that two piercings is plenty for a 14 year old like thats absolute fact, when really its just an opinion. Just because you're her mother doesn't mean you should control her for the sake of it. Keep her safe, help her make wise decisions, but dont just be controlling because you can.

Common sense I assume that hopefully most people have. 2,3,4 lobe piercings not an issue at 14 - a tongue split? Definitely an issue. Come on now - you must see the difference.
The issue here is lying, an arbitrary rule set by the op that 2 lobe piercings are ok but 3 aren’t (do we know why?) and the way the dd revealed the piercings. But that can be discussed.
I like young people to show a bit of gumption and to test the boundaries especially something as small as piercings.
Op how is she normally? As in day to day life?

as for her revealing it to you in that way - very clever! I would be secretely proud that she had been so smart!