Reacting to DDs 3rd (self pierced) ear piercing

[edwinbear]

Genuinely, don’t know how to react here. DD is 14, had her ears pierced at the end of Y5, a bit earlier than I’d have liked but lots of her friends did so fine. She looked after them well, all healed fine, no drama. I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to. It was a long shot, but she achieved it, and whilst I’m not thrilled at multiple ear piercings (especially as a Y7), I promised, so OK.

She’s been nagging for a 3rd set for about a year, and it’s been a hard ‘no’. 2 is plenty for a 14 year old. I’ve told her she can have all the piercings she likes once she’s an adult, but for now, 2 is sufficient. We’ve just driven 9.5 hours to my in laws, and at dinner, she’s uncovered her 3rd ear piecings as we sat down to eat. This is quite deliberate on her part as she knew I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of her (elderly) grandparents. It turns out she did this herself, with ice numbing her ear lobes, using a safety pin. She undertook this about 6 weeks ago when she broke her finger, because she had 6 weeks off sport and knew she would need to leave earrings in for 6 weeks, so a perfect time frame for her. She’s a netballer, where all jewellery needs to be removed to play so an ideal opportunity for her.

I’m furious. She was told no 3rd set, she’s pierced herself with all the infection risk that entails. She ‘announced’ this at a family dinner where I couldn’t really interject without making everyone feel uncomfortable. DH thinks it’s not a big deal. She has hidden it for 6 weeks, we didn’t notice (which is true), and there are much worse boundaries she could be pushing. Do I tell her to take the things out or leave it be?

Piercing your own body is risky. I certainly wouldn’t have the outlook of there’s worse things she could be doing, of course there’s far worse but that doesn’t mean we let things slide for that reason.

She wouldn't have done it herself if apps hadn't said no!

It really isn't that risky. I've had multiple piercings (over 25) and have done several myself. I've never had an infection and I'm certainly not fastidious about keeping them clean.

Yes, some piercings get infected and yes, some can get nasty but that can happen just as easily if you go to a salon and get it done professionally. In fact, the only piercing I've ever had an issue with was the one done with a needle by a "master piercer". All the ones I did at home with cheap piercing guns off Amazon have never given me a seconds' bother.

As far as risk of infection from body piercing goes, lobes are probably the lowest risk of all. They’re highly vascular tissue and heal quickly. They can (should) also be largely left alone once they’re done - a quick spray or wipe with some saline once or twice a day is all you need.

As long as she followed basic hygiene and sterilization protocol, her risk from doing it herself with a needle was very likely lower than it would have been had she gone and got it done with a gun.

Oh this took me right back to being a teen, the amount of body parts my friends and I pierced. Looking back now I am amazed none of us ended up with infections but to be fair we were quite careful. I think someone’s dad’s stolen vodka was involved a lot for sterilising. I get it but she already has two sets and I think this is quite tame for teenage rebellion. I love how she hid it for six weeks though. Most I got was two weeks hid a tongue piercing from my mum. No idea how as I never shut up.

So we just say yes to everything so people don’t go behind our backs?

It’s not even just the risk though, her parent said no

It’s not even just the risk (which yes may be low), he parents said no

Do you not remember being a teenager?

I just don't think it's ok for an adult to tell a 14 year old that she can't pierce her ears. It's such a non issue and seems like an adult throwing their weight around for the sake of it.

And they shouldn't have. Teenagers shouldn't obey every arbitrary rule their parents set just because they are their parents! That's dictatorial.

You didn't notice for 6 weeks... I am slightly amazed at that. She hasn't got an infection, they have healed ok, I would definitely leave it.

I would have a discussion about the importance of having piercings done safely by a reputable piercer moving forward. I think this is fairly normal teenage behaviour, I definitely did it at a similar age.

Yes I do, I also remember getting in trouble for plenty and then I took the punishment on the chin because I knew I’d overstepped boundaries

Boundaries have to make sense, though. Allowing your child to have two lobe piercings not three is just daft (unless there's a school rule that forbids it).

Being a parent isn't just arbitrarily setting a bunch of random restrictions without actually thinking them through and ensuring they make sense.

Doubt it. OP is now using her belly button piercing as manipulation for getting food GCSE marks. Wonder where she gets it from?

Even the op admits that she didn’t have any good logical reason to say her dd couldn’t go from 2 to 3 piercings.

Exactly, it's all very odd.

She's clearly not against piercings either as she's said her DD can get X if she does Y

My parents had a "no cartilage until you leave school" rule which at least made sense and was in line with the school policy. But I was allowed as many lobe piercings as I wanted (now have 6 in one and 5 in the other!).

If (as a parent) you put in place random rules that aren't based in any kind of logic or sense, you can't be surprised when they're ignored completely.

It doesn't sound like she's looking for attention at all. t's so easy to do. I did this with my parents (I'm 50 now by the way!) I just took out the middle piercing so I only had 2 piercings at any one time. I left it like that until it was fully healed and they didn't notice a thing.

OP, she's 14, not 11. She worked really hard to win the scholarship and by all accounts doesn't give you much trouble in general. Don't remove the piercing. Pick your battles.

'Maybe I'd have agreed'.

No you wouldn't. You made it a hard no so she took matters into her own hands.

FWIW I think multiple piercings looks awful and chavvy on young girls but this is the reason she did it.

A pp poster put it perfectly (I can’t find the post now, annoyingly) that any rules in place should have logic behind them that can be explained easily. I agree with this. Just saying ‘because I said so’ or ‘because I don’t like it’ really doesn’t work with teens and doesn’t help the relationship.

I remember wearing far too baggy ripped jeans and shoes with bottle tops attached to them (Bros days! 😂) my mum must have been mortified when I went out! 🤣 She also advocated for me getting my ears pierced at 12 because my dad could offer no reasonable argument against it. Just that he personally thought ear piercings were ‘tarty’ (even just one piercing!) Thankfully my mum, even in the 80s, didn’t stand for that sort of mindset from him. Having an opinion that multiple piercings are ‘chavvy’ (do we really use that word still?) is not a good, logical reason to stop your dc getting pierced.

Honestly some of these “punish her now” posts are ridiculous. Please don’t damage your relationship over something so
trivial you will likely regret it

But why? Why does she need punishing for hiding it from OP when it's her own ear and OP's rule was unreasonable?
Where does that end though? I'm sure most teens think some of our rules are unreasonable I know mine do especially around screen time, so you teach them to compromise, negotiate with you, understand the reasoning, not go behind our backs and do what you want.
As I said it's the deceit I'd be annoyed about I don't necessarily agree with the OP rule.

But the op didn’t have a reason for this rule. What don’t your dc understand re screen time? Why do they think it’s unreasonable? Mine understand because I have explained it to them and encouraged them to self regulate which they do (sometimes need a nudge from me but not more than that)
Deceit is something I don’t like. That needs to be discussed with the dd.

teach them to compromise, negotiate with you, understand the reasoning

If OP had done any of that with her she wouldn't have done it behind her back. The point I'm making is that OP made an arbitrary rule with no rationale at all and didn't explain it to the DD in any way that made sense - there is no way to negotiate with a parent who makes a rule with no logic and says 'because I said so'

If a 14 year old has strong values and reasons for doing something that has been banned by a parent with no reasonable explanation I think it's right that the 14 year old pushes back, and breaks the rule if necessary. In this case the values are bodily autonomy, and I think the 14 year old is ethically justified in breaking the rule, because the parent did not provide any good reason for making rules over the 14 year old's body. OP gave her no opportunity to negotiate and understand the reasoning because by her own admission there wasn't any reasoning.