Reacting to DDs 3rd (self pierced) ear piercing

[edwinbear]

Genuinely, don’t know how to react here. DD is 14, had her ears pierced at the end of Y5, a bit earlier than I’d have liked but lots of her friends did so fine. She looked after them well, all healed fine, no drama. I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to. It was a long shot, but she achieved it, and whilst I’m not thrilled at multiple ear piercings (especially as a Y7), I promised, so OK.

She’s been nagging for a 3rd set for about a year, and it’s been a hard ‘no’. 2 is plenty for a 14 year old. I’ve told her she can have all the piercings she likes once she’s an adult, but for now, 2 is sufficient. We’ve just driven 9.5 hours to my in laws, and at dinner, she’s uncovered her 3rd ear piecings as we sat down to eat. This is quite deliberate on her part as she knew I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of her (elderly) grandparents. It turns out she did this herself, with ice numbing her ear lobes, using a safety pin. She undertook this about 6 weeks ago when she broke her finger, because she had 6 weeks off sport and knew she would need to leave earrings in for 6 weeks, so a perfect time frame for her. She’s a netballer, where all jewellery needs to be removed to play so an ideal opportunity for her.

I’m furious. She was told no 3rd set, she’s pierced herself with all the infection risk that entails. She ‘announced’ this at a family dinner where I couldn’t really interject without making everyone feel uncomfortable. DH thinks it’s not a big deal. She has hidden it for 6 weeks, we didn’t notice (which is true), and there are much worse boundaries she could be pushing. Do I tell her to take the things out or leave it be?

OP said it’s because she maybe thinks it’s too grown up for a 14 year old, regardless of the reasons her parent told her no and she did it anyway

Op admits she doesn’t know why she thinks 3 piercings are more grown up than 2. Talk to teenagers in a logical way and tell them your reasoning (that makes sense) and you get a far more reasonable response than the arbitrary ‘I said no because of my opinion’
Speaking as a mum of 4 - 3 of whom have been/are well adjusted teens who felt no need to deceive me because I didn’t give them silly rules that made no sense. The rules I did make were discussed and they were respected.

Maybe she has long hair.....

I have a 14 year old with 2 lobe piercings, I have also said no more until 16 - however I would definitely not be furious if she did this, yes it’s not ideal but there’s worse things she could have done and it’s not a big deal really.
DH had several piercings as a teen/young adult - including is nose! He stopped wearing them around age 21 and you can’t even see any marks now, so it’s really not a massive disaster.

My 12 year old wanted a belly button piercing, I said no. It’s too grown up for a 12 year old. My rule is she can have it when she’s older

Have you given an age that you think is appropriate? Have you explained your reasoning as to why you think it is too young at 12? Not saying I disagree I am just curious as to how you discussed it. My dd wanted the same at 12 - I explained to her I couldn’t find a reputable place who would pierce her belly button at that age and I wanted her to get it done safely. I talked to her about when I got mine done at 16 and it rubbed on the waistband of my jeans and got infected and hurt. I didn’t have to say a blanket no because we discussed it and she came to the conclusion herself that she would wait. (Now 20 and still never got it done and only has 1 piercing in each lobe - never wears earrings) but has 4 tattoos

But again, that's not logical - especially when OP had no issue with her DD getting her second set of lobe piercings.

A belly button piercing is different because a) it's harder to heal b) it's often not allowed in schools due to sports and the risk of it catching and c) many reputable places won't do it until 16.

But a regular third lobe piercing (ie. not cartilage) is no more risky or "grown up" than a second.

I have a 14yo and I pick my battles. She has three piercings and it wouldn’t be my first choice but it’s so harmless compared to what a lot of her mates get up to. By making the little things a fight she’ll be less inclined to tell you about the big stuff - drinking, sex, other risky behaviour. In my experience anyway.

Also tattoos and piercings are so ubiquitous now surely they’ve lost their “shock” value. Practically every other adult seems to have them. Remember when I was a younger teen in the 80s otherwise sensible mums making a right drama out of ear piercing it was seen as “common”. Seems utterly ridiculous now they all have pierced ears themselves.

I don’t really get why you wouldn’t let her have the thirds done, other than to control her because you can. Don’t make her take them out, it’s done now. Lots of teens pierce their own ears, yes it carries risk but the vast majority are fine. Mine did actually get infected but they also healed.

Beanies and those wide headbands that cover the ears also work well for hiding them. It sounds like OP’s daughter took out her second pair, which made it look like she still only had two sets of piercings.

An extra ear piercing really isn’t the hardest of things for a motivated teenage girl to hide from her parents.

Not when it comes to ears

I would make her take them out for dishonesty.
But I would let her get her bellybutton pierced, it's going to be covered most of the time.

Kindly, unclench.

Your DD is clearly a girl who knows what she wants and goes all out to get it. She got the sports scholarship. She got the piercing. Encourage that go-getter attitude. She has a bright future ahead of her.

If you don't want facial or belly button piercings to go with the triple- pierced ears - or tattoos - take a different tack. Do not punish her. Do not lecture her.

I would have a kind and gentle conversation about medical issues that might have arisen, and I would ask her to please avoid such risks, while assuring her that you're not as unreasonable or inflexible as you may have come across to her previously.

Piercings are clearly not your thing. That's OK. She likes them. And that's OK too.
I have one piercing in each ear. That's all I ever wanted. My DDs all have three in each ear, and one has a belly button piercing that gives me the heebie jeebies whenever I even think about it. But it's something she wanted. The piercings haven't affected the course of their education or subsequent careers. They are all.solid citizens.

At 14, your DD is capable of making decisions about her own body, including medical treatment.

Really Think about why you were so against it in the first place? Why is it such a big deal?

How would you make her, out of interest? Tie her down and forcibly take them out of her ears?

I remember piercing my ears multiple times using a frozen fish finger and a sewing needle and they was 40 years ago.

good times.

id struggle to be annoyed tbh. Unless she was off the rails in other areas, then meh

Yes I'm advocating roping her to kitchen table and slicing them out 🙄 (obviously not)

Well, you still haven't answered the question - how would you force a 14 year old to remove them? Bearing in mind they could just keep some earrings at school and put them back in everyday.

She sounds like a very clever lass. You should be proud of her!

I did all mine apart from the first lot. By the time I was 15, I had about 12 piercings, done with a darning needle and just shoved through.

Pick your battles, this is not one of them.

WRT the belly button, that's a different thing and needs a pro. If she's dead set on it, she can have it for her 16th as a present. Let her know you are not against it, just that it is inappropriate at this point in time as healing is long, friction during sports etc.

I agree, but I think self-piercing is crossing a line.

Reading these posts is making my belly clench up. I do have piercings myself but still......

I did similar at her age, complete with flipping hair and angling my ears so that my mother would notice.

Self-piercing is really very risky though, so make sure she buys saline solution (Neilmed is the industry standard) and remind her that taking them out at 6 weeks will just lead to pain and possible infection. Even lobe piercings need to stay in for 3 months at least. And make sure her jewellery is piercing quality titanium, not cheap steel or nickel - she can pay for that too!

I did my own when I was 14, I had no issues at all unlike my first piercings I had done at 10 with a gun. I also did it as my mum had said no, I still get a bit of a kick out of it 40 years later 😂