Reacting to DDs 3rd (self pierced) ear piercing

[edwinbear]

Genuinely, don’t know how to react here. DD is 14, had her ears pierced at the end of Y5, a bit earlier than I’d have liked but lots of her friends did so fine. She looked after them well, all healed fine, no drama. I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to. It was a long shot, but she achieved it, and whilst I’m not thrilled at multiple ear piercings (especially as a Y7), I promised, so OK.

She’s been nagging for a 3rd set for about a year, and it’s been a hard ‘no’. 2 is plenty for a 14 year old. I’ve told her she can have all the piercings she likes once she’s an adult, but for now, 2 is sufficient. We’ve just driven 9.5 hours to my in laws, and at dinner, she’s uncovered her 3rd ear piecings as we sat down to eat. This is quite deliberate on her part as she knew I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of her (elderly) grandparents. It turns out she did this herself, with ice numbing her ear lobes, using a safety pin. She undertook this about 6 weeks ago when she broke her finger, because she had 6 weeks off sport and knew she would need to leave earrings in for 6 weeks, so a perfect time frame for her. She’s a netballer, where all jewellery needs to be removed to play so an ideal opportunity for her.

I’m furious. She was told no 3rd set, she’s pierced herself with all the infection risk that entails. She ‘announced’ this at a family dinner where I couldn’t really interject without making everyone feel uncomfortable. DH thinks it’s not a big deal. She has hidden it for 6 weeks, we didn’t notice (which is true), and there are much worse boundaries she could be pushing. Do I tell her to take the things out or leave it be?

Aw well done op. That all sounds like a good way to move forward. Open communication is the way forward.

But please please enlighten those of us who are confused - why are 3 holes worse than 2?

That sounds very sensible!

I’m not sure why I’ve drawn an arbitrary line at 2 maximum. Maybe I think 3 is too ‘grown up’, which is undoubtedly why she wants them! But well, it’s done now, the world won’t end because she has 6 earrings in rather than 4.

Our then fd, about the same age, self pierced the top of her ear, dont believe it was done at all hygienically! Found out by accident not long after it was done and I REALLY wanted her to have issues with it to make her understand she shouldn't have done it , need for hygiene etc but she literally had NO issues at all. I made her buy stuff to keep it clean etc and she did it well.
I was also worried as she wanted her belly button done and thought she might do it herself. Thankfully she didn't (not saying she didn't try) but did go to a tattoo/piercing place when she was legally old enough and had it done properly.

Well done for taking all the responses on board op. Your dd is lucky to have a mum like you.

She’s a child… 14!

I’d be pleased it’s only ear piercings tbh. At her age I had around 10 facial piercings, all done without my mother’s permission. The piercer shouldn’t have done this but equally I don’t regret any of it, despite having 4 permanent holes in my lower lip (I have a big lower lip so it largely covers them).

I also wouldn’t have an issue with my 14 yo DD requesting multiple ear piercings and would rather take her than have her do it herself as your DD did.

Yes I would be very angry with her deceit and think of a relevant consequence for that. With regards the actual piercing if she has to take it out for sport it is too fresh and will likely close up anyway.

Tbh I can't get past this
I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to.

"We all wanted" did she want to? Surely if she tried her best but didn't get the scholarship you would have let her get her 2nds?

I think these are very wise words, there will always be a number of battles to pick from where teenagers are involved, but I believe we stand a better chance of navigating them successfully if there is a good connection underneath it all.
Just for clarity, I am not a big fan of multiple piercings but I have two daughters, now 22 and 17, who have thought differently to me about this since about 12/13 years old, so there have been many conversations in our household on the subject of piercings!

Totally understand your feelings but in the grand scheme of things it isn’t that big of a deal!

You may have much bigger things to deal with in the future.

I agree. I’d far rather they were done properly. 14 is plenty old enough imo.

Further to my previous post, which I can’t seem to edit - having said all of that, if either of my daughters had done the same as OP’s, I would be cross about the manipulation and deceit, and also concerned about the risk of infection from self-piercing.
I would definitely be voicing all of that in strong terms.

I think she sounds sensible in that she at least waited until she had a gap in her sport before doing them. She has done them herself because you were so rigid about it so her doing them herself is partly on you.

I am not a fan of giving prizes for good outcomes at school although I realise for some it can be a motivator. I always just wanted DS to try his best and for GCSEs gave him a card and gift after the event. To say achieve this and I will give you this is also a form of manipulation so if she is being manipulative, you are also teaching it to her.

Piercings are not the end of the world. There are laws which prevent tattoos and more extreme piercings until 18 and some require parental consent. I don't think this applies to lobes. I decided my son could have his ears pierced from age 11 i.e. the summer before secondary mostly because I didn't think he was mature enough to look after them before then. He ummed and ahhed most summers and had his first one at 16 and then went on to have his septum done (with my consent) later that same year. He only wore the septum one for a few months. He has since had his eyebrow done at 18. We have a good relationship and we had a good talk about it before he went because eyebrow piercings can still be visible on the face when removed or if they get infected can leave a scar which he took on board and still went ahead. I stressed to him the importance of going to a reputable studio and making sure he does the aftercare. So long as he has thought things through I am happy. It's his body. Obviously by then it wasn't up to me anyway as he no longer required consent. I have had a few piercings myself some I still wear and some I don't.

She's a teenage child. There has to be some progress towards autonomy at that age. Pick your battles - ear piercing or something much more risky?!

Make her take it out and tell her that while you pay for her existence she needs to respect the boundaries you set. She’s only 14.

Amazing parenting 🙄

If this is your worst issue with your 14 year old I would consider yourself an extremely happy and blessed family. Honestly pick your battles. Dont damage your relationship with your lovely Dd over nonsense like this.

She set boundaries so she needs to stick to them. It’s quite different listening, relenting and agreeing to get them done professionally. It’s also not as if the Mum is setting unreasonable boundaries. She has permitted two professionally pierced holes in each ear.

I think I'd go along with this except book her in with the GP, and ask them to check her for signs of infection and give her a pep talk about hygiene.
And hope they close over when she goes back to netball.

My youngest has had her bellybutton and nose pierced but took them out and has no scar from them. She’s 20 now and just changed her mind about them so there’s a chance your Dd will do the same. I pierced my own ears with a kit from Amazon and I’m in my 40’s and should know better so maybe I’m not the best person to judge this problem.

But why? Why does she need punishing for hiding it from OP when it's her own ear and OP's rule was unreasonable? Why do you think a teenager should automatically obey a parent just because they said so?

My DH was very controlling over piercings til DD was 15 I think. Now she’s 20 and has 3 or 4 in each ear plus cartilage ones etc and a number of tattoos. Basically I took over and said ‘fine but we go and have it done here and no tattoos you can’t cover up’. Told him he was being daft and controlling. She still only has things done at this one studio now because she feels safe there.

Tell her if she ever wants to do modelling she needs to be a blank canvas. Model agency booker told dd2 this at 15 has been brilliant all her talk of piercings and tattoos has quietly stopped! At 17 she has one set of piercings and that’s it. Dd1 has tattoo abs lots of piercings.

It's much better to listen to your teenager when they disagree with an arbitrary boundary and row back when you've gone too far rather than doggedly insist on a punishment on principle.

She had the sense to use an ice cube so I will assume she also sterilised the needle given shes had no infection.

Belly button in return for exam results is a good deal. Mine has her belly button done but I'd have gone nuclear had she done it herself.