Reacting to DDs 3rd (self pierced) ear piercing

[edwinbear]

Genuinely, don’t know how to react here. DD is 14, had her ears pierced at the end of Y5, a bit earlier than I’d have liked but lots of her friends did so fine. She looked after them well, all healed fine, no drama. I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to. It was a long shot, but she achieved it, and whilst I’m not thrilled at multiple ear piercings (especially as a Y7), I promised, so OK.

She’s been nagging for a 3rd set for about a year, and it’s been a hard ‘no’. 2 is plenty for a 14 year old. I’ve told her she can have all the piercings she likes once she’s an adult, but for now, 2 is sufficient. We’ve just driven 9.5 hours to my in laws, and at dinner, she’s uncovered her 3rd ear piecings as we sat down to eat. This is quite deliberate on her part as she knew I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of her (elderly) grandparents. It turns out she did this herself, with ice numbing her ear lobes, using a safety pin. She undertook this about 6 weeks ago when she broke her finger, because she had 6 weeks off sport and knew she would need to leave earrings in for 6 weeks, so a perfect time frame for her. She’s a netballer, where all jewellery needs to be removed to play so an ideal opportunity for her.

I’m furious. She was told no 3rd set, she’s pierced herself with all the infection risk that entails. She ‘announced’ this at a family dinner where I couldn’t really interject without making everyone feel uncomfortable. DH thinks it’s not a big deal. She has hidden it for 6 weeks, we didn’t notice (which is true), and there are much worse boundaries she could be pushing. Do I tell her to take the things out or leave it be?

There are different stages of autonomy that children develop over time. A 5 year old doesn't get to negotiate what they eat whereas an 11 year old can. A 14 year old can't decide to have sex or a permanent tattoo but they can decide to have a harmless hole in their earlobe. There are different levels of risk and consequence. The law acknowledges that children can consent to certain things even when under 16 and that consent to things that affect their bodies isn't a blanket yes you can/no you can't situation.

Piercing ears yourself is fine. As long as you use a clean needle.

She's 14. She's taking control of her own appearance, asserting her own personality. It's to be expected as she grows into a young adult.

I know she's still a child and you think you can control what she does. But now you know you can't.

Personally, I think more negotiation and less 'hard no' works better at this age. Better to be flexible and for her to have had it done professionally than drive it underground.

There's a massive difference between being the tough parent over issues that matter and meddling in your teenagers chosen aesthetic. Save the 'hard no' for the things that affect her health, her wellbeing, her future etc.

It why does she need punishing just for going against her mum's wishes when her mum's wishes aren't reasonable? Again, do people really employ 'because I said so' parenting with teenagers?

This kind of stuff has been going on since the beginning of time. 100% normal teen behaviour.

Best to just go with the flow.

Because she has lied and been manipulative according to OP

DD did her own 3rd around 13 I think ( she’s 17 now )she ordered the needles on Amazon. She did her helix also. At 15 she had her nose and belly button done but had those done at the piercing shop.
its not something I could get worked up about.

This sounds like it's the best way to go.

I agree with this. What is the actual explanation for “two is fine but three is unacceptable”?

I would be secretly proud too and that she has gone against a rule that has no logic 🙈

Ah it’s done now. It’s only ear lobes.

I’d maybe work it to your advantage now (as you maybe can prevent it leading to a “sneaky = I get what I want” assumption) that she showed them off in a way which meant you couldn’t react.

Did you genuinely show shock? Because you could say you’d had an inkling but thought you’d give her the chance to be open, and am now glad she has.

In future day you’d rather she was open, as you really don’t want her piercing other things DIY. Much riskier.
she sounds like a good kid.

Sounds like your DD really takes her sport seriously to have factored that into her rebellion. That’s not a bad rebellion!

I have a very hard working scholarship child too. (Top marks in many subjects this term, and currently practicing to audition for an extra scholarship - will be putting in over an hour every day this school holiday while also preparing for important performances that her first scholarship require for her.)

So as much as the hideously long stick on nails, false eyelashes and highlighted hair are totally at odds with all of my parenting ideals. Once it’s school holidays I allow.

She’s an amazing girl, works way harder than I did at her age (undiagnosed ND for me) and they give her something I never had as a teen - a sense of pride and confidence in my appearance.

Also - in allowing those totally reversible things it’s a bit of a bartering chip! Pick your battles.

You sound like a great mum OP but honestly, chill. It's just an extra piercing in her ear, it's not her nose, or worse lip or eyebrow and she hasn't got 8 of them. She's 14 so really this is pretty typical.

I wouldn't tell her this but I couldn't help but award her points for the strategic thinking, between that at the sports scholarship this girl will go FAR

Pick you battles. Tell her you'll let it go this time but pull a stunt like this again and there will be consequences. I'd also say that if she works hard for GCSEs she can get her belly button pierced professionally, bit if she tries that herself then she won't like the consequences.

This is a lovely and v wise post

Sounds like both you and the OP have fabulous daughters

What do you want in the long term from your relationship with your daughter? Personally I would give her a hug and say that you wished she hadn’t because there is more infection risk and but you can see she really wanted it and it is ultimately her body. That said any bigger Eric gs wait a while and she doesn’t disrespect you by doing a big family reveal as you are human took and being out in that situation again may make you take a hammer to her jewellery. Reminding her respect goes both ways and talking is the best way to facilitate it and that is she loses your trust then that would be awful.

She needs to be able to take a risk, fuck it up and now she can come to you for help. I would be very cautious of the overly punitive suggestions and be framing this as deceitful as teens need to grow by making decisions and taking some risks and some space to be private or challenging is very healthy. She sounds fab overall - may her spirit and sense of independence stay with her for life.

Lied about piercing her own ear because OP was unreasonably setting a boundary she shouldn't be setting and manipulative in that she told OP in a scenario when she couldn't realistically get cross with her - sounds really smart to me. Why does she need punishing for this?

Herein lies the problem with not allowing body autonomy for a growing teen. It’s either you respect their choice of how they want to use their own body and guide them to do it safely, or accept the risk of infection and complications by trying to cage a free spirit. What really is the big deal with a few piercings? Especially when she’s allowed two but not three, that’s mixed messaging. It’s legal, there’s no issue. Tattoos I’d get it, massive, difficult to reverse decision, but piercings? No biggie. I got my belly done at 14, always loved it.

I tried to pierce my own bellybutton in secret. That bit me on the behind because my mum then agreed to me having it done. The piercer had to go higher than usual due to my botched attempt, and took 2 years to heal properly.
I learnt my lesson though.

There was a group at my school around age 14 that got hold of a home tattoo kit, the tattoos they did on themselves were like 6 year olds drawing on each other. I do wonder how much they regret that now!

Because sometimes teenagers like things as teenagers that they won't like when they're older. Piercings can be taken out but tattoos are permanent.

It's pretty obvious.

My thirds took no longer to heal than my first two. My helix is being a pain though.

Uneven piercings. I told my daughter that since piercings are there or there as scars for life, it’s important they are placed in a way they are symmetrical etc.
my Spanish friend had hers done as a baby and now they are too close to her ears she can’t wear certain earrings. Or people who get them done by inexperienced piercers who place them too low or place seconds too close to firsts.
So I have said to my daughter best she goes to professional well-respected piercers - people who have trained as tattoo artists have a great eye for symmetry and using a needle is better than a gun. So she was never tempted to try it herself or just impulsively go anywhere. We would plan her piercings for school holidays etc - she would get something done and then focus on healing that.

You're overreacting. You need to update your ideas about how much control you have over a 14 year old. As others have said, learn to pick your battles. This is a you problem.

My daughter, also 14 did her seconds and thirds herself in one sitting. I was less than impressed that she had done it but having multiple piercings myself, this wasn’t a hill I was willing to die on. I told her I wasn’t happy but she’s looked after them and they’ve healed nicely. Placement is also perfect.

How did you not notice for 6 weeks?

My DD (15) did her belly button herself with a Shein gun as I was adamant she was far too young. She kept it hidden and by the time I glimpsed it, it was healed.

DH wanted to make her take it out but I didn’t want to leave her with a scar, not able to have to have it done again when she is older, and the works hasn’t ended. She absolutely adores it and it isn’t on display for many month of the year anyway. I was cross though

Some brilliant advice here, thank you. I’m not going to make her take them out, I can see this isn’t a hill to die on. But I am going to have a discussion with her about the risks of self piercing and it really would have been far better for her to explain why it was so important to her and maybe I’d have agreed. I will be telling her self piercing a tummy button would be very silly and if she really wants that, she can have it as a present for a good set of GCSE’s - that was a great suggestion! She’s not a bad kid usually, and I do want to keep lines of communication open with her as she gets into the older teenage years.