Reacting to DDs 3rd (self pierced) ear piercing

[edwinbear]

Genuinely, don’t know how to react here. DD is 14, had her ears pierced at the end of Y5, a bit earlier than I’d have liked but lots of her friends did so fine. She looked after them well, all healed fine, no drama. I promised her she could have the 2nd set she desperately wanted if she managed to secure a sports scholarship at the senior school we all wanted her to go to. It was a long shot, but she achieved it, and whilst I’m not thrilled at multiple ear piercings (especially as a Y7), I promised, so OK.

She’s been nagging for a 3rd set for about a year, and it’s been a hard ‘no’. 2 is plenty for a 14 year old. I’ve told her she can have all the piercings she likes once she’s an adult, but for now, 2 is sufficient. We’ve just driven 9.5 hours to my in laws, and at dinner, she’s uncovered her 3rd ear piecings as we sat down to eat. This is quite deliberate on her part as she knew I wouldn’t cause a scene in front of her (elderly) grandparents. It turns out she did this herself, with ice numbing her ear lobes, using a safety pin. She undertook this about 6 weeks ago when she broke her finger, because she had 6 weeks off sport and knew she would need to leave earrings in for 6 weeks, so a perfect time frame for her. She’s a netballer, where all jewellery needs to be removed to play so an ideal opportunity for her.

I’m furious. She was told no 3rd set, she’s pierced herself with all the infection risk that entails. She ‘announced’ this at a family dinner where I couldn’t really interject without making everyone feel uncomfortable. DH thinks it’s not a big deal. She has hidden it for 6 weeks, we didn’t notice (which is true), and there are much worse boundaries she could be pushing. Do I tell her to take the things out or leave it be?

Jumping back in to answer questions and I really am grateful for everyone’s input. It’s given me lots of food for thought and I think we’ve arrived at a sensible conclusion. We’re visiting in laws and had a good day walking, visiting local beaches and enjoying time together as a family.

I’ve had the opportunity to discuss with DD and explained I’m cross that 1) she’s been defiant, she knew this wasn’t something I was happy with and went ahead anyway 2) the manner in which she ‘announced’ it was devious 3) sticking safety pins in your ears carries infection risks. She’s had 2 sets of professional piercings (at a local, reputable tattoo place) and knows how important hygiene is. She’s assured me she had no plans to self pierce her tummy button, that would be ‘really stupid’ apparently.

In terms of us not noticing, yes she has long hair and has simply stopped wearing ‘set 2’ so she’s only had 2 sets in at any one point. The fact we hadn’t noticed does prove the point my ‘rule’ doesn’t hold much water. I’m not asking her to remove them.

In terms of belly button piercings and why I’m not keen, she plays netball (all jewellery has to be removed) but is also an athlete. She does pentathlons so hurdles & long jump there is a lot of bending at the waist and it’s likely to catch. I’ve caught my own a few times in clothing and it hurts - I have never caught mine sprinting over a hurdle though!

I did my nose with another earring. It crunched!

Same reason you can't get tattooed until 18 but can get pierced as a child and sign yourself at 16

Tattoos are not the same as piercings

Someone on here grounded a 17-year-old so 🤣

"Pay for her existence"
That's one of the worst pieces of advice I've seen on MN and I've seen some doozies!

What a random thing to suggest

And there are also absolutely options for models with tattoos and piercings if they wanted to do that anyway 🤣

All it takes is long hair, surely?

@edwinbear I'd have been equally upset. When they were 17ish ds and dd had a piercing at the top. It was largely about rebellion. I disliked it. However, DS, poor sod, was as allergic as me to anything other than 18ct gold. It never healed properly and he gave up I never told him silver was fine.
I've no idea what happened to dd's but it no longer exists.

They are 31 and 27 now and it's a distant memory.

I admire her determination. I wouldn’t have the balls to pierce myself. She is clearly the sort of person who stays focused on her goals.

I wouldn’t mind piercings at all. They aren’t a permanent change, she can let them grow over in later life. Can she not just take out the belly button piercing when she is doing her sports? You can also get tape to cover them. I wouldn’t be dying on this cross. Piercings are nothing and you don’t want her going behind your back on a more serious matter.

At the end of the day this kind of rebellion is completely normal at 14.

😅🤣🤣😅😅🤣 a frozen fish finger?! That made me laugh SO much!😂

My cousin and I both did a third piercing when we were about 12, pressed an earring through, not even a sterilized one. Yes, it hurt but ear eventually went numb. Mum found out a few weeks later when I tucked my hair behind my ears . She was not impressed. 😅 I'm 61 and have lived to tell the tale. And no, I don't still have it. Let it close up a few years after having it done.

My 15 yr old did the same in October, I said wait until your GCSEs are done next year as school only allows 1 stud. I couldn't do anything about it other than check she was cleaning them, she hasn't had any problems with them at all thankfully. She generally has her hair down so school don't see the 3 piercings 🤣 mine tried to pierce her nose and belly button too a couple of years ago, I took her to get them pierced properly this year!

I think if you allowed 2 why not 3?

piercings aren’t really a massive deal if she can look after them which it seems she has with the ones she’s had.

she’ll do them anyway when 16 and old enough to consent, I speak from experience. They are holes and they heal, not a big deal. Facial ones are different as can scar.

my daughter has lots of facial ones, some she’s removed and some she’s kept. She has an eyebrow one I don’t particularly like as they just aren’t my fave type, a dermal which is proving a pain currently as she’ll need an MRI soon so it has to come out. And she’s stretched her ears I also don’t like. But it’s her body and she’ll learn the hard way it’s not always ideal or convenient. Such as having to have her dermal removed soon for MRI.

Same. I had an apple slice in my nostril, too.

She sounds like a sensible kid, OP.

I self pierced 5 in one ear by 14……. 😂

Ah she sounds like me! I had my first when I was 9. Was allowed a second when I was 13 and told no more. I then used the piercing gun earrings to pierce my own ears, not once more, but another 5 times over around 2 years. Thankfully, they never got infected and I could probably wear earrings in the holes now (40 years later) - but I don't wear earrings at all now. Some people lives to rebel (I definitely do) so the more you say no, the more appealing it becomes and the more underhand they become. You probably don't want to hear this, but it's just an ear piercing. Just be careful what you say when she mentions tattoos...

Ok- her body her choice, but no privileges, or pocket money, no leeway on when to come home or staying with friends.
defiance is natural, but it is better she understands now rather than later that defiance has a price tag.
You can't trust a child who acts like that- she has to earn back your trust.

I used to pierce other’s peoples ears when I was at school.

I was the only one not freaked out about doing it.
with some ice and a spray deodorant!!!!!!

if you can have 2, what’s the problem with 3?

she has been sensible. Done it at a time when she can keep it in. Which reduces infection risk. And has kept it hidden successfully

id let it go. There are fights to have but you already missed this one. And tbh this doesn’t feel like a big one.

Believe me, you need her trust a lot more than she needs yours. And the approach you’re recommending will obliterate it.

There are far bigger hills to die on at 14 than a small hole in a bit of skin. It’s a shame you were so militant so she ended up doing it herself. I think at that age you need to give them some control over something like that that is of little to no consequence

Why is trust with your teenage daughter not a two way street, the same as it is with every other human being on the planet?

I took my daughter to have her belly button pierced at 14. She can't have it done - wrong shaped belly button apparently. We got a second opinion and they said the same, so that's that.

In terms of damage limitation I think I would take her then at least it's being done properly by someone who knows about these things.

The problem is that if you accept this what is next. I would tell her that if she pulls a stunt like that again there will be serious consequences and think of a suitable punishment for now.

For me, as someone else said, it's the risk of infection more than anything else. DS pierced both lobes himself when he was 12, but had no earrings to put in them, and only came to us when they seemed infected (a hat covering them up to that point). We're jewellers, DH quickly knocked up a couple of studs for them, and a friend who pierces checked him over the next day and said they were not in the best place so he'd be best to let them heal, which he did. My only statement to him was that if he wants to do it again he should see a piercer and do it correctly. He didn't realise he'd properly pierced them, as he doesn't feel pain very well (part of his autism) so as it didn't hurt much he thought it hadn't worked. He used a school award badge pin.