To pull out of Xmas?

[NewNameforThisPost2025]

I'm divorced, no kids or siblings, family all dead. Lovely kind friend invited me for Xmas Day. Lovely, except....I then got conned into staying for three days instead of just a few hours on Xmas Day. Three days out of my precious break, and I'm an introvert who HATES staying in other people's houses and socialising for days on end. We have to visit all her relatives Xmas Eve and Xmas Day too.

She is a dear friend and I know she'll be disappointed if I pull out. (She wouldn't be on her own; she has her husband, kids, and mum.) I've let her down in the past a couple of times though. If I do so this time, I think it will affect the friendship.

But I cannot tell you how much I'm dreading it, for no other reason except that I simply don't want to give up my independence for three days and socialise with a bunch of strangers. I prefer to be in my own home. But I've already said yes.

Thoughts?

I'm sorry you haven't been conned, you've just not managed to articulate a 'no'.

So agree, be honest OP, say you agreed in the heat of the moment, but having reflected you will happily spend a day with her and her family. A true friend will understand. And don’t fake illness, not necessary and makes a mockery of those who are genuinely poorly and would love to be able to socialise.

My updates already say I am going to go. I am not going to fake illness and nobody is going to be made a mockery of. Why can't people be bothered to READ!

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted useful and kind responses. I really appreciate it. 💐

But I DON'T prefer to be alone at Christmas! I was very happy to spend Xmas Day with her, and very happy to take ubers to and from the station!

Just say youll get an uber and stay for Christmas Day. Make up an excuse. Dont cancel completely but also don’t stay the entire time.

If there's no good way to get out of it this time, can you make it more bearable by being there but not there to a degree? Take yourself out for long walks, make up errands, midnight mass or whatever. Allow yourself moments of peace by reading by yourself in your room.

You are doing a kindness for your friend by allowing her sense of generosity to take precedence. You can do more kindnesses by helping things to run smoothly while you are there. Maybe that will help you feel happier being there.

Then next year, be ready with excuses, or just say the truth! Ultimately no one will mind.

You don’t have to go. Put yourself first. A real friend would understand.

Another thread - and there are many! - that shows the extreme difference between introverts and extroverts. I'm glad you seem to have it sorted OP, but as a fellow intro may I offer two pieces of advice? One is to never give an immediate reply, always say you'll let them know. The second is to have an imaginary cat (if you don't want a real one). "I have to get back to the cat" comes in handy for all sorts of situations!

You have already said yes, but I would find an excuse not to spend a fiull 3 days-maybe Christmas Day only.
Don't be tempted to pull out completely if you want the friendship to survive.

You have to be more assertive.
If everyone around you is assertive or strong willed about what they want, and you are a people pleaser, then you're going to spend your life being railroaded into stuff you don't want.
Tell your friend that you have already booked your transport both ways and do that.
She isn't going to want to drive you around on xmas day, so if you want to have freedom to come and go when you want, and you don't drive, you need to book your taxis now

If she is that good friend, you should be able to say to her that you’re looking forward to spending some time with her but you are also very very tired and she mustn’t be surprised if you disappear off for a nap every now and then. Then you buy yourself some quiet time in your room with a book and you can recharge your social battery.

@NewNameforThisPost2025 can I come and stay for a couple of nights…
‘okay… but can we be clear before I agree to it that it is just TWO nights?!… because I like my own space and if you need more than two nights then please look for alternative places!

new name would you like to come Christmas for a couple of hours?….
Response - That is so kind of you and I would love to come BUT only if it is just a few hours and you allow me to Uber to yours in the morning and under home after, as I really would like Christmas Eve and Boxing Day at home!…

if people try to add on, just remind them that you only agreed to ‘state time’ & if that’s no longer convenient with their plans then you’d rather cancel than extend the time!

Tell her you are coming down with the flu and if she does turn up at your door, make sure you have blankets, pillows, screwed up tissues laying around and be in your jimjams! One way to get out of staying 3 days!

Update: My friend messaged me this morning and said that her children's grandmother has covid, and the kids were exposed when they had dinner with her Sunday. She said she wanted to let me know so I can make my own choice.

Would it be overkill to cancel when they have just been exposed and are not showing symptoms?

I am not boosted, not because I'm against it but because I haven't got round to it. I do have an underlying condition or two. Diabetes and high cholesterol as am very overweight. Am in my fifties.

Yes, I'm obviously going to have to start setting boundaries as a pre-shield when plans are made. It's just that I've been assuming that what they say is what they mean. 😬

Well, there you go! Answered prayers without your needing to fib, or cause any upset.
You are free to pull out in good conscience. Huzzah! (Poor old Granma though 😕

It really isn't difficult to say no!

Not everyone is where you are.

I used the "I have to get back for the cat" (a real one) explanation with my sister wanting me to stay over. She equated me with Animal Liberation Front terrorists. I still didn't stay over, though,

I'm worried she'll think I'm being unreasonable not to come since they have only been exposed and are not ill yet, and might not be.

But I am genuinely concerned because the interwebs says illness can take 12 days to come, and I am not boosted. And don't have great health. I assumed she would be testing the boys Weds morning to see if it's OK for me to come, but she's not going to tell them that they have been exposed. (One of them's a bit dramatic 🤣)

Terrorists?? That's a bit of an over-reaction to wanting to get back for your cat!!!

I would cancel. Purely on the strength of the threat of COVID infection, as this latest variant is awful. Knocked the stuffing out of me for 5 weeks. If you can avoid unnecessary exposure then do!

Oh, really? I haven't really kept up with the latest covid news. We're in Canada so I should look up what's going on here. What variant are you talking about? Want to know if it's the same one here. Sorry you had such a hard time with it! Is that even with being vaxxed?

You’ve been given the gift of saying no thank you without looking unreasonable. She gave you the option so you take the opt out one. Thank you so much for letting me know I hope the children’s grandmother feels better soon and I hope you all avoid it, I’ll not come to see you over Christmas but I’ll see you very soon. Then relax, don’t over think it. What others think of you is none of your business. Enjoy your Christmas exactly as you’d like.