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Original poster

To pull out of Xmas?

225 replies

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 19/12/2025 20:06

I'm divorced, no kids or siblings, family all dead. Lovely kind friend invited me for Xmas Day. Lovely, except....I then got conned into staying for three days instead of just a few hours on Xmas Day. Three days out of my precious break, and I'm an introvert who HATES staying in other people's houses and socialising for days on end. We have to visit all her relatives Xmas Eve and Xmas Day too.

She is a dear friend and I know she'll be disappointed if I pull out. (She wouldn't be on her own; she has her husband, kids, and mum.) I've let her down in the past a couple of times though. If I do so this time, I think it will affect the friendship.

But I cannot tell you how much I'm dreading it, for no other reason except that I simply don't want to give up my independence for three days and socialise with a bunch of strangers. I prefer to be in my own home. But I've already said yes.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 20/12/2025 06:10

DeftGoldHedgehog · 20/12/2025 05:41

Go just for Christmas Day and book your taxi in advance for a specific time.

I tried that and was met with strong resistance.

OP posts:
dontletmedownbruce · 20/12/2025 06:12

Sorry, now read the thread or a lot of it.

Can’t you get a taxi to the station on Boxing Day evening? Three days is quite a long time to be in someone else’s house.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 20/12/2025 06:13

LBFseBrom · 20/12/2025 06:09

You.can insist on going home Boxing day.

Yes, that's when I'm going. I'm going to have an excuse ready made for if she tries to extend again!

I feel bad saying that, because I really do love her as a friend, it's just that I am very sad this time of year, and I do best alone at those times. But I spend too much time alone, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 20/12/2025 06:14

dontletmedownbruce · 20/12/2025 06:12

Sorry, now read the thread or a lot of it.

Can’t you get a taxi to the station on Boxing Day evening? Three days is quite a long time to be in someone else’s house.

Yes, I'm going home Boxing Day. If she lets me out of her clutches! I'm going to have an excuse all ready.

OP posts:
DeftGoldHedgehog · 20/12/2025 06:15

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 20/12/2025 06:10

I tried that and was met with strong resistance.

Show quote history

So what? The taxi arrives, you go home. It's non-negotiable. "I really enjoy my Christmas Day with you but also enjoy some time on my own over Christmas. Thank you for a lovely day, goodbye."

ChocolateMagnum · 20/12/2025 06:18

Please get some counselling and learn how to set boundaries and have healthy friendships. The way you say 'conned' into suggests malice on her part when she's being encouraged by you because you never say no and are never honest about what you want!

butterfly1234 · 20/12/2025 06:18

For goodness sake, just go for Christmas Day and don't allow her to force you to stay longer than you want. What exactly will happen when your Uber arrives to collect you and you say "Thanks, I'm leaving now."? You're an adult and she CAN'T force you to stay.

Blizzardofleaves · 20/12/2025 06:20

It sounds like you are going op, and your friend sounds lovely.

At this point I would be building in strategies to survive and even enjoy it ( I have an introvert dd, so I do this for her)

Go on walks alone, be honest that you go to reflect.

Long baths. Early nights and read quietly. Stay in bed in the morning apart from Christmas Day for an extra hour or two of peace. Leave om Boxing Day morning.

Dont feel pressure to overly socialise, just show quiet interest in others and observe politely. Preserve your social battery for Christmas Day.

Tahe plenty of breaks and make sure your home comforts are in your room, your own pillow, slippers, dressing gown, books etc

Try and enjoy it op. It’s only Christmas once a year

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 20/12/2025 06:24

ChocolateMagnum · 20/12/2025 06:18

Please get some counselling and learn how to set boundaries and have healthy friendships. The way you say 'conned' into suggests malice on her part when she's being encouraged by you because you never say no and are never honest about what you want!

It's mostly an issue when someone surprises me, and it's harder to say no when you're already going. Had she led with "Wanna spend most of three days with us?" I'd have said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 20/12/2025 06:24

Blizzardofleaves · 20/12/2025 06:20

It sounds like you are going op, and your friend sounds lovely.

At this point I would be building in strategies to survive and even enjoy it ( I have an introvert dd, so I do this for her)

Go on walks alone, be honest that you go to reflect.

Long baths. Early nights and read quietly. Stay in bed in the morning apart from Christmas Day for an extra hour or two of peace. Leave om Boxing Day morning.

Dont feel pressure to overly socialise, just show quiet interest in others and observe politely. Preserve your social battery for Christmas Day.

Tahe plenty of breaks and make sure your home comforts are in your room, your own pillow, slippers, dressing gown, books etc

Try and enjoy it op. It’s only Christmas once a year

Thank you, that's very useful advice. 💖

ETA: I won't be going for long walks alone. There are bears and coyotes in these parts, not to mention wolves.

Although, I suppose recovering in hospital would be one way to get out of the extended socialising! 🤣

OP posts:
ChocolateMagnum · 20/12/2025 06:27

So you say no afterwards. Be honest with her. 'I'm feeling really overwhelmed at the moment. I'm really looking forward to spending Christmas Day with you but I need Christmas Eve and Boxing Day on my own.' If there's fallout from that, then she's not a good friend and it's not a healthy friendship.

LAMPS1 · 20/12/2025 06:38

OP, I’m glad you have decided to give it a go.

But I do think you still need to have a good talk with your kind friend to let her know your anxieties. Surely she would understand if you said you appreciate and value her including you on everything for her Christmas but sometimes, you still get overwhelmed and need a safety net, exit plan. Tell her that her full understanding on that, would help make you feel so much easier about it all. Tell her you want her to understand it’s definitely not her or the people you will all be visiting, its all the feelings left over from divorce and bereavement.
Then make sure you have the train timetable and can easily get an uber.

It’s extremely difficult being a guest sometimes …..especially with people you have never met before and especially over the Christmas period - I do fully understand that and I’m sure others will too. Good luck!

Icecreamisthebest · 20/12/2025 06:41

Yes work out some strategies.

Perhaps you can insist on doing all post meal clean ups on your own as they have been so kind to invite you.

Wrap up a couple of books as presents (say they are from another friend) and be keen to read them on Xmas and Boxing Day.

Make sure you invent a prior commitment for new year.

But you also need a longer term strategy. I have a friend who is an introvert. She has always been very clear about this and very clear that she is only up for 1 to 1 catch ups. So I’ve never met any of her other friends and she has never met any of mine. We catch up regularly and I know she catches up regularly with her other friends. I’d suggest after Christmas that you start telling your friends that you only feel up to 1to 1 catch ups right now and that you will let them know when this changes.

If you will be living in Canada for some time why not get some lessons and start driving.

Luckyforsome23 · 20/12/2025 06:49

Glad you have made peace with it OP. If you have a problem saying no in future say “I will just check my diary and let you know”. Then you can think about it.

Owly11 · 20/12/2025 06:55

"I then got conned into....." wow - read your thread back as if someone else wrote it. Can you see the problem?

redfairy · 20/12/2025 06:56

So you've committed to this Christmas now but have a think about how you approach future invitations. I have a friend who never says yes to an invitation on the spot. She always says I'll get back you on that or I don't have my diary on me so I'll let you know later. She says it gives her time to fully consider and not make any rash commitments.

Sandunesandseashells · 20/12/2025 07:04

OP, every time you try to explain on here, you repeat that you couldn’t think of an excuse in time. Here’s the thing, you never need to make an excuse. The oldest mumsnet adage: “That doesn’t work for me” is the perfect, politest ‘no’.

It even works for the upselling: “That doesn’t work for me, can we keep the original arrangement or would you prefer to cancel/postpone?”

I hope you enjoy your Xmas now you’ve decided to make the best of it.

brunettemic · 20/12/2025 07:07

Stop being a wet lettuce and just decide for yourself how you’re doing things.

HelmholtzWatson · 20/12/2025 07:12

It's 3 days, get a grip. We're a social species. I'm also an introvert who prefers my own company and dogs to people. I often dread social occasions, but I look at them as a challenge and an opportunity to improve my social skills and be a better person. Sometimes I even have fun....

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 20/12/2025 07:15

Some amazing advice here, thanks everyone.

I should probably get some sleep and stop internetting as it's 2.15 am here.

OP posts:
Tontostitis · 20/12/2025 07:16

Honestly this is on you.

'I can't stay that long it's too much for me'
'Id love too but I'd be overwhelmed '
Thankyou but it's a bit too peoply for me for that long
I really value my alone time but I'd love to do the afternoon can I bring anything?
Thankyou for the invite but can we catch up next year I've got pj and bath plans

Your responses to invites are all wrong if people keep extending the invite unaware you don't want it extended

Timeforanamechangeagain2 · 20/12/2025 07:26

We have to visit all her relatives Xmas Eve and Xmas Day too

This is weird and I wouldn’t like it either. Can you tell her you’d rather stay at hers and not join for these trips?

Travelodge · 20/12/2025 07:26

I have sympathy for you, but you weren’t "conned". You knew what you were agreeing to.

It's tricky if you’re dependent on your friend/her DH for lifts. You could try being honest and tell her you’re worried about having to socialise for so long because it will be out of your comfort zone, but she might be insulted. It’s not really three whole days, though, is it? I think I’d just bite the bullet and go with the flow this time. It sounds like you don’t want to risk insulting and losing such a good friend.

Sartre · 20/12/2025 07:27

As an introvert, I totally get it OP but I think for the sake of two days you should just suck it up and I actually think you’ll end up enjoying yourself! She clearly cares about you and values your company and friendship which I think is lovely.

Lastfroginthebox · 20/12/2025 07:35

susey · 20/12/2025 06:02

In both of your examples, you sound like an absolute doormat.

Have you ever thought about why you are such a doormat?

You can't blame being an introvert - i know introverts who still set boundaries and communicate.

That's a very cruel way of saying it. I agree that OP needs to learn how to be more assertive, but some people are very persuasive or manipulative and difficult to contradict.