To pull out of Xmas?

[NewNameforThisPost2025]

I'm divorced, no kids or siblings, family all dead. Lovely kind friend invited me for Xmas Day. Lovely, except....I then got conned into staying for three days instead of just a few hours on Xmas Day. Three days out of my precious break, and I'm an introvert who HATES staying in other people's houses and socialising for days on end. We have to visit all her relatives Xmas Eve and Xmas Day too.

She is a dear friend and I know she'll be disappointed if I pull out. (She wouldn't be on her own; she has her husband, kids, and mum.) I've let her down in the past a couple of times though. If I do so this time, I think it will affect the friendship.

But I cannot tell you how much I'm dreading it, for no other reason except that I simply don't want to give up my independence for three days and socialise with a bunch of strangers. I prefer to be in my own home. But I've already said yes.

Thoughts?

You're in control of your own life! Once you start being more assertive, you might find it gets easier and easier. It's not mean for PP say you're acting like a doormat when you are in fact acting like one.

How did you get ‘conned’ into staying three days? You’ve agreed and now you’d be letting her down. You shouldn’t have said yes.
I would contact her and say you’ll need to leave a day early/ arrive a day late due to unforeseen circumstances but I’d still honour the majority of the invite.
Next time be upfront and say no you prefer to be alone at Christmas
I think you are very unreasonable

The thing is, it's uncomfortable to stay for longer than you would like (or in your other example, have an unwanted guest for longer than agreed), and it's uncomfortable to keep firm boundaries with other people.

You get to choose your discomfort.

Bear in mind, that the choice of firm boundaries becomes easier the more you do it, so it generates less discomfort over time. Whereas the discomfort of always complying with what others want never eases.

Have a migraine or catch food poisoning & don’t go at all?

She is a lovely, kind and dear friend.

OF COURSE you can be honest with her.

Saying that you can't cope with 3 days of peopleyness and making arrangements to just join her for the sections that you will actually enjoy would be MUCH better than pulling out entirely.

Be honest with your friend. Hiding how you feel is not thr action of a friend. Trust her to understand you.

As you've already clarified, your only obligation as a guest is to not unnecessarily increase the logistical challenges for your hosts but as you are managing your own transport that's fine.

You clearly haven't told her how miserable her plans will make you. She thinks she's being nice.

I'm very surprised that Canada runs trains on Christmas day. That's sad for those forced to work.

For the future, when someone tries to extend, say 'I don't know my schedule, I'll have to get back to you'. If they push further you can say 'I may have family coming to visit that day / work might have a strategy day' or something that means you can't commit on the spot. Never commit straight away if you don't want to, use the excuse to buy time.

How interesting it is to read this thread immediately after the thread about the difficulty in making and keeping friends. Some people would give their eye teeth to be invited somewhere for (what I see as) 2 nights over Christmas. Others see that as 3 long days away from home with social interaction they do not want.
I am making no judgement of anyone here. Just marvelling at the diversity of human psyches and how hard it is to get things right.

Don't lie about being ill, or make any other dishonest excuse to your friend. Stay 1 night and get an Uber 1st thing in the morning. Or just say you made a mistake, so sorry, said yes when you should have said no thank you, and that, while you love to see her, you also love alone time. If she's a decent friend, she'll understand, especially if you do it sensitively. Good luck!

I am an introvert too and I don’t think you should put yourself through this. You need to put yourself first. It is hard for people like us to assert ourselves but that is probably what you should do and enjoy this time as you wish to rather than doing what you think will please her. Just tell her that you realise that you are exhausted and want and need to spend some time relaxing on your own over the holidays.

I'm going to be on my guard against the upselling in future, where I've agreed to a certain amount of time and then been coerced into more, usually too surprised to think of a good excuse on the spot.

OP, you seriously need to do some work on setting boundaries. @susey 's comment may not have been phrased very kindly, but she's right - the problem lies with you, not these other people. Unless you recognise that and do something about it then this sort of stuff is going to keep happening to you.

Firstly, you don't need to think up an excuse.
Stand in front of the mirror and say "that won't work for me". Practice it in different tones of voice. Think about your facial expression. Imagine your friend (s) standing in front of you. Keep practicing this until you feel comfortable with it.

Oh, and going in good spirit and planning (hoping) to enjoy yourself is exactly the right thing to do at this late date. I hope you have a good time.

Lots of good suggestions for how to say no, but I really want to encourage you to remember that for FRIENDS, you should not need an excuse or a clever 'get out clause '. You should be able to just tell them the bloody truth! And if you can't, why are you friends with them!?

OP, I hope you have a lovely time. My last post sounded somewhat dickheadish (I can be a dickhead at times. On this occasion I wasn’t trying to be, but reading back, I can see how I sound.)

It sounds like you’re doing your very best under really difficult circumstances. Living with grief and depression is never easy. Living with it at this time of year is incredibly hard.

I wish you a peaceful and merry-as-it-can be Christmas. Words from a stranger on a screen, but sent with good intent. You sound like a very thoughtful and considerate friend and you deserve nice times.

I totally get you. I wouldn't want to stay 3 days either. And I know how easy it can be to get talked into something when it's not what you really want to do.

I'd probably compromise. Go on Xmas eve but insist on booking an Uber home on Xmad Day.

No, that is shitty thing to do, especially if the friend has shopped and cooked for a guest.

OP, you seriously need to do some work on setting boundaries. @susey 's comment may not have been phrased very kindly, but she's right - the problem lies with you, not these other people. Unless you recognise that and do something about it then this sort of stuff is going to keep happening to you.

I agree with this.

I also agree that being an introvert doesn't mean that you are unable to stand up for yourself. I know several introverts who have strong boundaries. People don't take advantage of them because they know they aren't pushovers. People take advantage of the OP because she is a pushover.

When we have guests come to stay it is agreed beforehand when they will arrive and when they will leave. No-one outstays their welcome here because the leaving day is set in stone.

Objectively, OP, it sounds like you’ve had such a hard time recently and could do with someone who is really excited to spend lots of time with you.

Like others have said, make sure you prepare her for needing a bit of you time. Pretend you have a brilliant book you are trying to finish or long baths / early nights if you can’t genuinely explain. But I would personally try to talk to her as I’m sure she’ll understand. it sounds like she’s a good friend.

It’s pretty late in the day now. Can you arrive late Christmas Eve then leave Boxng Day morning? Don’t feign flu just say you don’t feel 100% and need a bit of quiet time, work has been full on, don’t want to ruin her Christmas, etc. etc.

Never give an answer on the spot. Always thank them for offer and say you will let them know. Then sleep on it and let them know the next day.

Other than DH, nobody knows everything about my life so I have a couple of fictitious great aunts and friends who I am sometimes busy with. I’m an introvert and have a few issues going so sometimes need to retreat and do nothing. Extroverts can’t cope with this so it’s just easier.

You need to be firm, I can’t do 8 days, I’m doing 2 as discussed, do you prefer Friday and Saturday or Saturday and Sunday? That’s it.

@MrsZiggywinkle reading around the issue I think that was the plan though? Just with a couple of visits built in as OP doesn’t drive.

That’s not three days though, is it? It’s an evening, a full day and a morning.

I think I would suck it up and learn from the experience. Don’t commit unless you are sure you want to do something. People forcing you to join in and do things can be pretty manipulative under the guise of being nice. Not everyone is or wants to be a party person.

I agree with being honest with friends. Have a long think and determine if they can see that you are going into a black hole and want to help by insisting on you getting out and about over Christmas. If not, then going forward don't see the truth as being worse than an excuse. You have good reasons for saying no, you want down time. People who can't cope with being alone don't always understand that. I've happily spent Christmas day alone, according to many on here, that's horrifying. So they'd push someone single, childfree to come to them, because that's what they'd want. You can nicely explain that it isn't what you want.

If you have agreed then you should stay the 3 days, it's really kind of your friend to invite you. Next year have excuses ready to stay at home alone,
She is being your taxi / uber, so let her have a drink.

No trains on Xmas day or Boxing Day that’s why it’s three days - unless it appeals spending cold bleak lonely hours on station platforms waiting for the one probably very late train on Boxing Day.

She's said there are trains.
She's in Canada.
Trains apparently run.

No no no! Thats horrible!

If she's a dear friend, why can't you just tell her how you feel?