To be disappointed in partners Christmas presents ?

[lulu55xxx]

So this year we decided instead of just buying random stuff that we might not like to write a list with about £200 budget of things we wanted.
So I wrote my list and wrote down things I wanted for a while and he wrote his.
I bought everything on his list with a little extra present (a month ago )
He went for his Christmas shopping today and just rang me telling me he’s done but didn’t get anything off my list as a lot of the things weren’t in stock in town (tiny town centre ) hence me going further afield and ordering online.
So he said he “winged” it
Would you be disappointed?
Last year he winged it and I ended up with nivea gift sets (which I don’t use ) half price pjs from Primark and other random bits.
The nice perfume I asked for I never got because he said “ it’s out of stock everywhere “
I went in boots Boxing Day and it was there …
I don’t know it’s just pointless

He promised me a shopping spree after Xmas for my birthday the other day ,now he’s skint.

Definitely return the gifts you bought him.

I think some women shower their partners with well thought out, expensive gifts in the hope the partner will do the same in return. It doesn't work because it is a win win situation for the partner, low effort, low cost, maximum return - why would they change?

He’s skint

This is what we do. That way we both get some things we want/need and still get some nice surprises. I wouldn't like it at all if it was all like an order form- I am lucky DH knows what I like and vice versa and I get that some people just don't in relationships but looking at whats under the tree right now I don't know what it all is which I prefer!

I can imagine it’s going to be a bit disappointing when you’re watching him open everything he asked for! I’d probably ask him for my £200 but in the meantime, is he usually unreliable or does he have form for backing out when you’ve an agreement in place?

Don't have kids with him. OP. Dump him. You deserve better.

How did you react last year to the Nivea and pjs?

It was absolutely drilled into me as a child to never, ever express disappointment and graciously thank people for gifts. (As in taken out of the room and smacked at my birthday party when I was 5, in the hearing of all my school friends) I know it’s pathetic, but I still find it impossible now as an adult, to voice disappointment.

I had this with dh too, and I produced the exact same wish list (folded and crumpled) when he asked what I’d like for my birthday, also last minute. I was in the trenches with small babies and I hate receiving gifts anyway. When he was handed the same list the following Christmas he finally copped himself on and upped his game. He gets me something thoughtful now.

But obviously telling him directly would have saved a lot of time! Can you get a peek at your presents, and then get like for like (lynx gift sets etc)?

I wouldn't give myself the hassle of returning all his presents. I would say 'please return all the random shit you bought me which is the exact opposite of what we agreed. Transfer me my £200'. Order your own presents. Hand him a big of unwrapped gifts (minus the extra one) when you have your £200 (not on Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day) and get rid of this loser before new year.

He’s showing you how much he thinks of you and it’s not very high. If you keep him it will continue.

£200 on lots of items is a lot of present buying and high risk for 'not getting it right'. £200 in a card both ways. Go shopping in the holidays.

This sounds so disappointing.

What’s the relationship like in general, is he just rubbish with gifts, or is it part of a wider pattern?

Unless you live in the Scottish Highlands there is still time to order online and pick next day/express delivery or Amazon Prime. I’d be telling him this is not acceptable.

I'd actually ask him to return it all and give me the £200 and I'll get it all myself. Don't feel bad for rejecting crap. If he refuses then send all of his things back and buy crap too. Match his energy 👏 🙌

He obviously doesn't make any effort. Assuming your money is seperate, I'd just tell him to transfer you the £200 and let you order your own stuff in future.

Waiting for the Christmas update

This is exactly what I’d do, I’d expect it in my account without complaint and an apology regardless of if he’s skint.

Gawd, why do they do this? Same with mine and we've been together over 25 years! He asked me to give him a list, but said I only really wanted one thing. It's now OOS and I am 99% sure he hasn't got it as I am always here and not seen it arrive. What I have seen are gin and tonic flavored sweets 🤢

Sounds as though there is a wide gap in effort between you. YANBU feeling disappointed.

We decided instead of just buying random stuff that we might not like to write a list with about £200 budget of things we wanted.

And yet, even armed with your list, he bought you random stuff that you might not like. He didn't think ahead and order your items on line early enough. And then, faced with the reality that local shops were out of stock, he didn't admit to himself that he should have acted sooner and accept the extra effort and cost of getting these things (making a trip to a larger town or city, enlisting an urban friend to help, ordering on line with express/overnight delivery, even ordering and making you a card saying item x is on it's way just after Christmas). MOST crucially, realising he could not get you ANYTHING you asked for (in the context of a Christmas gift exchange entirely and intentionally based on specific requests) he did what he wanted without consulting you and then told you about it as a "done deal".

You're NOT unreasonable to be disappointed, frustrated, and even angry. This isn't about being greedy or wanting expensive presents or a certain monetary value, it's about expectations - he sets expectations he can't or won't meet and then lets you down, and it makes the relationship feel unequal and perhaps even neglectful. Since he's told you BEFORE Christmas about buying random stuff instead of what you'd asked for, I'd follow up when you see him in person and find out why he didn't stick with what the two of you agreed and see if the situation is salvageable. Don't hesitate to tell him to return what you don't want and look harder for what you do - and make HIM do that, don't do it yourself. But you two need a more general conversation about what's going on in the relationship, too. If you don't point out how his failing to follow through on his commitments negatively impacts you and the relationship your feelings will likely fester.

yeah he’s like this with everything,I have to get his niece and dad presents or he wouldn’t bother.
I had to get his Mother’s Day card for his mum.
i organise holidays /hotels /planes/meals out etc
or it just won’t happen
I honestly feel like his personal assistant at times
Tonights his work night out,I had to find his Xmas jumper /jeans /trainers to match
Couldnt find his car keys
This has been a ongoing thing for 6 years now

Oh and my nice Xmas chocs are…malteasers
Not even a big box…just the small one

Oh get rid of him OP! How unattractive to be his mum. Does he bring any joy to your life?

You don't have to do any of this, you choose to facilitate his uselessness and then complain about it. You're not his secretary.

No, You don't have to do anything

You choose to

So choose to stop

And if he is mean in other ways (sounds like he is) then why are you with him?

Your best Christmas present would be freedom from someone who doesn't care

Stop exchanging gifts with him in future, or set a £20 budget. He clearly can’t be bothered.

There is time for you to go out and buy a lump of coal just to see the look on his face.

I bet he'd have something to say about that.