To think it’s inappropriate?

[Outnumbered89]

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

It still warranted a discussion first

YANBU. I absolutely wouldn’t be ok with someone I’d never met staying at my house. I don’t even allow my DSD friends to stay without meeting them a few times first and I’d be livid if my DH went over my head with that.

If I've got other children in the house then I should have a say over who else is invited

See: DSD's former boyfriend

Not allegedly. The 16yr old knowingly dated a convicted sex offender.

The first time I met my younger son’s gf was when she came to stay for a few days (19yrs old). I trusted my son’s judgement and was looking forward to meeting her. She was lovely, (thank goodness). It didn’t bother me at all that I’d never met her before she stayed over but that was probably because they are serious about each other and my son isn’t a ‘player’ type.

Maybe I would feel differently about a strange male in the house though.

Firstly, I’d be bloody furious if my husband invited a stranger to stay without even mentioning it to me!

Secondly, she’s 16 and they’ve been dating for a matter of weeks, you don’t know him and you have a younger daughter in the house.

Thirdly, your DH put his foot down and wouldn’t allow your 17 year old daughter to have her boyfriend to stay over, so he can’t move the goalposts now. That just isn’t fair.

Fourthly, he’s expecting you to entertain them because he hasn’t taken any annual leave or wfh!

So he wanted to move and you didn’t.
He was adamant that your daughter couldn’t have a boyfriend stay.
He has invited this stranger into your home without even mentioning it to you.

I think you have a DH problem.

Your son and his gf were 19 though and adults. DSD is 16. She might be legally old enough to have sex but she is still a child by law, and has a history of poor judgement with her previous boyfriend. I am by no means tarring every future boyfriend with the same brush, but I have a younger DD to safeguard an I don’t feel that it’s unreasonable to want to get to know him before he stays in our house. They have dated for 2.5months, not long term.

@Outnumbered89 has your dh reconsidered his stance at all?

Maybe her father is concerned about her and wants to keep her close so he can assess her new boyfriend.

He’s not been willing to discuss it. As soon as I start a conversation about it he just goes in a mood.

He can do that when we’re out for day trips when we go down to visit her over Christmas.

Also I wouldn't want an u known male staying overnight in my home where other children are present. Even if they are grown ups. You dont know him. She is very young. Her judgement has been seriously off before. Apart from risk of physical or sexual misbehaviour on his part or drunkeness etc people can creep about at night. Look at documents. ID fraud is a real risk.
I knew someone whose locks had to be changed due to another occupants friend staying over and being left there when they went to work.
You are at your most vulnerable when asleep.
If she has to bring someone let it be a female friend.

This is utterly bemusing. Your 16 year old DSD previously dated a sex offender and you’re approaching whether a new boyfriend stays over from the perspective of will it set a precedent that you are unwilling to fulfil for your own DD rather than the perspective of: SHE WAS DATING A SEX OFFENDER.

Your DSD need proper support and care from her parents. She has been groomed and potentially abused and you’re glossing over it like it’s nothing. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?!

Absolutely nothing is wrong with me. I do not want this person to stay at our house. My younger DD needs safeguarding, as does DSD - her father should have serious issues about partners with his daughter being so young, not inviting them to stay.

I voted that YABU and I feel a bit mean now because he absolutely should have discussed it with you first, so in that respect I'm completely with you.
I assume your DD are his children and they live with you full time? In which case, given that your SD lives "a few hours away" and time with her is limited it is a completely different situation. Especially as you say she gets bored as it's so quiet where you live.
So I think it's ok to let her boyfriend stay. He doesn't see her all the time so it seems fair. Plus the boyfriend might say no anyway!
And it doesn't mean your younger daughter gets to dictate when she has boyfriends staying over because she's with you full time and it's a different situation for her.

I said allegedly because I have no way of knowing if the OP and stepmother is exaggerating.
I don't agree with her attitude which is purely focused on her own daughters and not in her stepdaughter's best interest. If her stepdaughter dated a convicted sex offender, this should have been in the initial post as it's the most important piece of information in this situation. Her SD is incredibly vulnerable if she was dating a sex offender when 15 or 16. Her father also knows this and wants his daughter to be with him where he has some chance of protecting her and also has the opportunity to assess the new beau on his territory. He may be planning to have a conversation with him too. That's what I would do or ask my DH to do in a similar situation.

The whole thing about having a different rule for the older daughter is a complete red herring imho.

Girls who grow up without their father are especially vulnerable to predatory males as they are subconsciously seeking a father figure. I've seen this too many times over the past 40 years and it's one reason I would not recommend divorce except where the husband is abusive.

You have your priorities completely wrong. Appallingly so.

Framing this as an annoyance because you have to entertain your DSD and her boyf when you don’t want to and weren’t consulted on is crazy.

She is a vulnerable, likely abused child who needs someone to step up for her. Clearly her dad is not doing that and you only seem bothered about “fairness” related to your own child and moaning about not being consulted. H ow about you step up and do some of the actual safeguarding that you’re only referencing ten posts in

Pick your battles as you are unlikely to win and moaning and making a fuss will make it seem like you hate his child.

I think you are absolutely right to stand by your view that a) she is too young and b) you have never met this lad and she hasn’t been the most discerning so far. Yes it was fine in my situation but I’m sure I would feel the same as you in your particular circumstances.

But it isn't the same. One is definitely bad for you and the other is an opinion you have due to pretty out of date attitudes towards sex.

Maybe you made the wrong decision regarding your DD and can adapt instead of rigidly sticking to it.

Maybe you can accept that they are different situations entirely due to DSD living so far away and certain allowances should be made.

You sound like a stuffy old crone.

Age of consent in the U.K. is 16 .

If I was your daughter or step daughter I’d tell you to piss off and enjoy your Christmas - forever.

You don’t control their lives anymore and you should get over yourself.

This is easily solved. You contact DSD directly and say while she is very welcome to stay, her BF cannot.

When I was a teen my parents varied rules for my older brother and I a) because we have very different personalities but also b) because they learnt lessons with their first child and changed their parenting style in response to this. I was far more mature than my brother as a teen. Rules are fine but not for the sake of just having rules!

2.5 month relationship and she’s 16 - not a chance that would happen at mine. I would feel so uncomfortable and imagine enabling putting her in a position that actually she may feel (unknowingly) uncomfortable in with him and she sorta does it anyway - no other form of entertainment around n all that.

Absolutely not. Rules are rules and it’s as simple as that

My youngest son is 22. Whenever he had a new GF (thankfully been with this one 1+y and she’s amazing) she had to come around for a few times so that I could get to know her. I don’t like strangers in my house at all, never mind overnight while I’m asleep.

He’s also being a CF by not taking time off of work to entertain this stranger and not even considering how you are all going to arrive.

Unfortunately MN seem to hate woman who have the audacity to have an opinion about step children. SHES NOT YOUR CHILD gets thrown around without considering all of the love and hard work you’ve put in the last 14 years and the fact that it’s 50% your house. You’re meant to just DO AS YOU’RE TOLD and allow a child to break your rules, the same rules that he wouldn’t allow YOUR children to break. Very much princess syndrome.

Stick your ground. If he’s not prepared to follow the rules that you both made then I would refuse to go back to the house while the strange man was there and ultimately divorce him, but I’m like that. I’m a scorch earth kind of person, especially when it comes to my kids.