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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s inappropriate?

209 replies

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:21

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad.

We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17!

I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof.

I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss
it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:
Whereismyfleeceblanket · 19/12/2025 16:05

Listening to a child shagging her bf isn't an ideal Christmas..
Bet on some scenarios dh treats her like a dc....
Remind him she's 16.
And does he really want to hear them?

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:06

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:51

Why won't you answer people's posts about him staying as her guest but not sharing a bedroom (seeing as you claimed she is apparently a much loved member of the family).

We don’t have a spare room. He would have to sleep in the livingroom, which would be pretty awkward for anyone getting up in a morning - him more than us as you have to walk through the livingroom to get to the kitchen

OP posts:
MissMountshafft · 19/12/2025 16:09

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 19/12/2025 16:05

Listening to a child shagging her bf isn't an ideal Christmas..
Bet on some scenarios dh treats her like a dc....
Remind him she's 16.
And does he really want to hear them?

The motive for staying over is transport

Applecup · 19/12/2025 16:11

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:06

We don’t have a spare room. He would have to sleep in the livingroom, which would be pretty awkward for anyone getting up in a morning - him more than us as you have to walk through the livingroom to get to the kitchen

Edited
Show quote history

It is the double standards that I find unreasonable. Absolutely adamant that your daughter couldn't have a boyfriend to stay before she was 18 but the rules can be completely changed for his 16 year old daughter. How does he justify that?

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:12

MissMountshafft · 19/12/2025 16:03

What’s so bad about bed that it can’t happen under certain roofs?

never understood this - is it cos you might hear?

It’s because I personally feel that 16 is too young to have a partner staying over and sharing a bed with you. Especially after 2.5months of dating. I know I am going back a few years now, but I had to be engaged before my partner was allowed to stay with me at my parents house! It’s how I’ve been raised. We all have different rules and opinions on what we find acceptable and that’s fine, I just don’t find it acceptable in our house. DH was of the same opinion until this week…

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 19/12/2025 16:13

Stick to your gun, you have very clear reasons why.

  1. Your DD was not allowed.
  2. They have been together 2 months, that is not a serious relationship.
  3. He should have talked to you about it first.
User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:13

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:06

We don’t have a spare room. He would have to sleep in the livingroom, which would be pretty awkward for anyone getting up in a morning - him more than us as you have to walk through the livingroom to get to the kitchen

Edited
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Have you asked your 21 year old if she'd mind?

Ultimately thats what it comes down to if the issue is she was treated differently?

MissMountshafft · 19/12/2025 16:15

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:12

It’s because I personally feel that 16 is too young to have a partner staying over and sharing a bed with you. Especially after 2.5months of dating. I know I am going back a few years now, but I had to be engaged before my partner was allowed to stay with me at my parents house! It’s how I’ve been raised. We all have different rules and opinions on what we find acceptable and that’s fine, I just don’t find it acceptable in our house. DH was of the same opinion until this week…

Show quote history

Oh I thought she was 17…

things have moved on…

I agree not a hill to die on

but yes partner should have spoken to you

OneNewLeader · 19/12/2025 16:16

why can't DH spend time in a hotel or Airbnb and visit his daughter in a location she would rather be in?

tabbycat897 · 19/12/2025 16:16

Depends what the rules are when she is at home with her own mum? Technically whether she is allowed to share a bed with the boyfriend is down to your DH and his ex? I would understand your reservations if you had younger children in the house and you didn't want to be setting any precedents, or having to answer awkward questions, but your DD is now older so this won't be an option. I don't really see who you are trying to protect, apart from perhaps yourself not wanting her to come and stay at all, or maybe just not wanting another person in the house that you don't know. This is a completely valid reason for you to not want him to stay, but don't use the whole bed sharing thing as an excuse - just say "no - I don't know him and would rather not have a stranger staying for the first time over a family christmas"

anon4net · 19/12/2025 16:16

It would be a no for me too, for several reasons.

Freeme31 · 19/12/2025 16:20

Yes he sjould have discussed first but problem would be same he wants daughter yo stay over with boyfriend- If its his daughter but house is 50/50 house as you've pointed out it seems you have more say as your a flat “no” he’s not staying it’s not happening so it’s not really 50/50 - how do you propose this 50/50 works then as your both at stalemate? He just doesn’t get to stay over, your husband does not get to see his daughter (for some extra time) that’s some 50/50. You might need to be more flexible or it’s your fault he will not get to see his daughter more than you “allow/want”. Try being more flexible in your mindset OP or you could end up either way no SD and one resentful husband but youll have “won” a point which is she shes not 18 it’s not the hill to kill two relationships on

Eyeshadow · 19/12/2025 16:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I disagree in this instance.

If they’ve always had a set rule about something then this should remain the same, especially as it’s biological DDs vs SDDs.

I think you have to tread lightly.

Its also the fact that they had this rum and then DH took it upon himself to change it without even a conversation.

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:21

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:12

It’s because I personally feel that 16 is too young to have a partner staying over and sharing a bed with you. Especially after 2.5months of dating. I know I am going back a few years now, but I had to be engaged before my partner was allowed to stay with me at my parents house! It’s how I’ve been raised. We all have different rules and opinions on what we find acceptable and that’s fine, I just don’t find it acceptable in our house. DH was of the same opinion until this week…

Show quote history

I understand what you are saying. Personally I think sixteen is too young too.
Times change.
When you were growing up, I expect your parents didn't want you to have a second marriage and/or to be with somebody who had a second marriage.
But it depends on personal circumstandes and we have to adapt with them.

If your 21 year old came home and said she was pregnant, I expect you wouldn't say how disappointed you were (as your parents (and mine) may have said. You would probably feel disappointment but it is likely you would support her?

I guess what I'm saying is you can't really remain steadfast when more complicated relationships are at stake. Your relationship with your DSD is not the same as her father's relationship with her.

I think you owe it to their relationship to try to faciliate her boyfriend staying so father and daughter can spend time together (plenty of people sleep on sofas for a night or two),.

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:22

OneNewLeader · 19/12/2025 16:16

why can't DH spend time in a hotel or Airbnb and visit his daughter in a location she would rather be in?

This is what we are doing, and what we or DH (if he visits alone) do. It’s not a case of him not getting to see her if she doesn’t come here, we are visiting her. This is an added extra tagged onto us going down- she would now come back home with us, which came out of the blue to me. I have absolutely no issues whatsoever with her coming up, it’s the additional boyfriend that I’m not in agreement with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:27

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:21

I understand what you are saying. Personally I think sixteen is too young too.
Times change.
When you were growing up, I expect your parents didn't want you to have a second marriage and/or to be with somebody who had a second marriage.
But it depends on personal circumstandes and we have to adapt with them.

If your 21 year old came home and said she was pregnant, I expect you wouldn't say how disappointed you were (as your parents (and mine) may have said. You would probably feel disappointment but it is likely you would support her?

I guess what I'm saying is you can't really remain steadfast when more complicated relationships are at stake. Your relationship with your DSD is not the same as her father's relationship with her.

I think you owe it to their relationship to try to faciliate her boyfriend staying so father and daughter can spend time together (plenty of people sleep on sofas for a night or two),.

Show quote history

DSD can come up without the boyfriend though, there would be absolutely no issues whatsoever with that happening, and has happened for the last 14 years. If he was a serious long term boyfriend then it would be different, but they have dated for 2.5months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:34

tabbycat897 · 19/12/2025 16:16

Depends what the rules are when she is at home with her own mum? Technically whether she is allowed to share a bed with the boyfriend is down to your DH and his ex? I would understand your reservations if you had younger children in the house and you didn't want to be setting any precedents, or having to answer awkward questions, but your DD is now older so this won't be an option. I don't really see who you are trying to protect, apart from perhaps yourself not wanting her to come and stay at all, or maybe just not wanting another person in the house that you don't know. This is a completely valid reason for you to not want him to stay, but don't use the whole bed sharing thing as an excuse - just say "no - I don't know him and would rather not have a stranger staying for the first time over a family christmas"

I think her mum lets him stay over. That’s her house and her rules though. I also have a younger DD here, so if DSD is allowed her boyfriend staying over at 16/17, then younger DD would expect the same.

OP posts:
User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:39

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:27

DSD can come up without the boyfriend though, there would be absolutely no issues whatsoever with that happening, and has happened for the last 14 years. If he was a serious long term boyfriend then it would be different, but they have dated for 2.5months.

Show quote history

Well then you are effectively saying that her friends are not welcome in your house. That isn't right either.......

ILoveLaLaLand · 19/12/2025 16:39

You need to discuss it again with your husband and see if this is worth arguing over just before Xmas.

If he has already said his DD can come then she will know you objected so you need to factor in how that will impact your relationship in the future.
If she is already sleeping with her new boyfriend at her mother's home, it would be hard for her dad to say no when she stays with him.

Personally I think the horse has bolted on this one.
Also, she's 17 in a couple of weeks - not the end of the world.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2025 16:42

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:05

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

Your choice of words is inappropriate. What you 'allow'? It isn't up to you to 'allow' or 'disallow'. You are not her parent.

It's her house...

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2025 16:42

ILoveLaLaLand · 19/12/2025 16:39

You need to discuss it again with your husband and see if this is worth arguing over just before Xmas.

If he has already said his DD can come then she will know you objected so you need to factor in how that will impact your relationship in the future.
If she is already sleeping with her new boyfriend at her mother's home, it would be hard for her dad to say no when she stays with him.

Personally I think the horse has bolted on this one.
Also, she's 17 in a couple of weeks - not the end of the world.

Edited

It's a year earlier than her daughter was allowed.

Eyeshadow · 19/12/2025 16:42

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:39

Well then you are effectively saying that her friends are not welcome in your house. That isn't right either.......

Show quote history

Friends are very different to boyfriends who she’ll be having sex with.

She’s known for a few weeks and should be taught that it’s healthy to wait to share a bed with someone.

I wouldn’t want my 16yo having sex with someone after only a few weeks and I definitely wouldn’t be encouraging it.

But the biggest issue here is that there are separate rules and that is going to cause massive issues in the future.

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:44

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:34

I think her mum lets him stay over. That’s her house and her rules though. I also have a younger DD here, so if DSD is allowed her boyfriend staying over at 16/17, then younger DD would expect the same.

Show quote history

No. You are your daughter's mother so what you say goes.
You can, of course, say that DSD's mother, had different rules.
She can easily explain it by saying that DSD didn't live with you so your rules didn't apply.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2025 16:44

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:41

She wasn’t coming to our house in the first place, we are going down to see her, staying in an air BnB with her in a major city so lots of opportunities for fun meaningful time with her where her boyfriend could join us and then go home at night. This is an addition to us going down to see her, she is more than welcome here anytime, I just don’t feel that having her boyfriend of 2.5months stay here too is needed or necessary

Show quote history

I'd be having a very strong conversation with my husband

He's screwed up so he needs to fix it

Original poster
Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:46

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:44

No. You are your daughter's mother so what you say goes.
You can, of course, say that DSD's mother, had different rules.
She can easily explain it by saying that DSD didn't live with you so your rules didn't apply.

Show quote history

if we used smoking as an alternative scenario- if DSD smoked at her mums house, would I then have to tell her it’s fine to smoke in our house? (She doesn’t smoke btw).

OP posts: